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It’s a Wrap


After a week that included 3 separate birthday celebrations for Sam, 3 different cakes, and lots of pizza and wine, I believe it’s time to start buckling down in the diet department.

Apparently it’s summer, and my New Year’s resolution to look as skinny as Kelly Ripa didn’t pan out.

The plan was to eat only one Tic Tac a day and lots of water…..

Instead I continued down my path of self-destruction by consuming food, including my favorite food (which is ice cream.) Now, instead of looking like Kelly Ripa as bathing suit season approaches…..I look like the “fat Betty Draper.”

On Wednesday, we went to the fair at the kids’ school run by the PTO.  At the fair the choice of food for dinner was hot dogs, pizza or wraps.  Since I had been eating so much junk I figured I would be good and order a wrap.

“Where did you guys get the wraps from?” I asked the woman working at the food booth. 

“I don’t know,” she shrugged.

I got the kids settled with some pizza and went back up to the food booth to a different worker.

“Hi, how much are the wraps?” I asked.

“3 dollars.” the woman replied.

“Where are they from?” I asked again.

“I don’t know.” she answered looking back at me expectantly. This nonchalance and indifference to my question caught me off guard. 

This is indicative of this town that I live in that has a population of 63,000 PEOPLE and guess how many sandwich shops or delis?

Are you ready for this?

1…..that sucks.

The people around here don’t care about sandwiches, or “grinders” as they are called here in Connecticut.

I mean if that was the PTO in the town where I grew up there would be a plethora of grinder shops to choose from, one better than the next. 

People would fight over where to get the best grinder. 

In my family, a grinder is a staple food item.   Just today, I  literally was in the midst of writing this blog post and called my parents to ask them something.  This is how the conversation went.

“Hi Dad can you please get the radio that I left in the garage and bring it with you tomorrow?”

“Ok.”

“What are you guys doing?”

“Oh- I am just eating a chicken sang-wich with your mother.”

I am NOT KIDDING.

I digress.

So, this concept of just randomly handing out wraps at a fair that came from some mysterious place……

Unacceptable.

And does this sandwich ignorance mean that I am the only one at the fair that asked for a little background information on the wraps?

Really?

I mean I am not obsessed with sandwiches, but I would just like to know what I am about to eat, because a sandwich or wrap could be dry and tasteless or possibly sensational.

My college roommate and I once woke up early on Sunday of “Spring Weekend” to watch my boyfriend(soon to be known as Mr. Gaga) play baseball at 10 am, because a local deli in the Bronx, provided free pieces of hero.

Nobody else cared.  The bleachers were empty.  All over campus, college students slept off their alcohol induced comas. 

We were the only 2 people enticed enough by a sandwich to get up early.

We were so excited about those sandwiches.  During a time when funding for frivolous meals was quite limited, a free sandwich was like gold to us.

It was a gorgeous morning, the sun was shining and we had the bleachers all to ourselves. We spread out our multiple plates of sandwich pieces. 

I remember being very happy, basking in the sun and eating a chicken cutlet hero.

We were watching the future Mr. Gaga play for about a half an hour and I was just about to dig into my second piece of hero when an outfielder came up to the fence and called up to me.

“Hey the future Mr. Gaga isn’t here you know….” he yelled.

“Oh….where is he? ” I said nonchalantly, like I always wake up early and eat sandwiches in the bleachers for no reason.  I mean I have never really been good at actually “watching” the game per se, but this was pretty bad.  I should at least notice his clear absence from the field.

“He got hurt, and had to be taken in the ambulance to the hospital.” he said and then he had to run back to the game.

I was concerned and also mortified that I was eating 50 sandwiches instead of caring for my very injured boyfriend. 

But while I was thinking about what to do next, I figured there was no sense letting a perfectly delicious sandwich go to waste.  So I went to track down the future Mr. Gaga…..

after I ate that piece of hero.

What?

He was totally fine.

What?? I know he’s not here….it’s just that I am really hungry right now……I am totally going to go visit him in the hospital when I am done with this…..

When I was pregnant for the first time I found that not eating cold cuts proved more difficult for me than abstaining from alcohol.

After being 10 days late, getting induced and waiting close to 48 hours for the baby to be born, by the time the umbilical cord was being cut I already had requested that Mr. Gaga go get me an Italian combo.

In a move that some would say was a clear indicator of what little regard anyone would have for my whims ever again, Mr. Gaga returned with a turkey melt from Quiznos.

I was inconsolable.

When Mr. Gaga went home to shower, I called my mother and in between sobs relayed to her the severity of the situation.

“It’s fine, he was probably just tired and he doesn’t know the difference.” my mother consoled me.

“How could he not know?!” I cried. “I don’t think he loves me anymore!” I sobbed hysterically.

Needless to say my father had to leave work and deliver me a proper grinder.

When I put the Quiznos sandwich on a stick, turned it into a fire bomb and threw it out the window, the nurses thought I just had post-partum……so they didn’t get too mad.

Hmmmm, now that I think of all these stories…..

Maybe I am obsessed with sandwiches.

Well…..

that sure does explain why I look like “Fat Betty.”

But still!!! 

Back to the PTO wrap!

Anyways – this blatant disregard for the origins of the wrap took me off guard and I almost went for the pizza as a result. 

But then I remembered that I was “Fat Betty” and that I had to start wearing a bathing suit regularly, so I ordered the wrap.

Oh gee, I don’t know where these came from!!! It’s called you assholes made these little pieces of shit wraps yourself and wrapped them up in saran wrap and now you are pretending that you didn’t remember where they came from!

Could you imagine?

I really shkeeve homemade foods by strangers.

But since I was hungry and trying not to be a wasteful elitist “Fat Betty” – I ate the dang thing.

Friday night I came home from work and felt so sick.  I never get sick really, but I had a sore throat and felt so tired, I had to go to bed.

Please understand that I NEVER go to bed unless I am dying.

I laid in bed sweaty and delirious, trying to think how I could possibly be sick.

Mr. Gaga was downstairs running around from TV to TV, loving life with me in bed before him – which only happens once every 5 years.

I rolled around in the bed trying to get comfortable, while keeping my bloody knees elevated.

Suddenly – I sat straight up and called down to Mr. Gaga.

“What?” he asked with a concerned look as he came in the bedroom.

“I just realized why I am sick,” I said with horror.

“Why?” he asked.

“From that filthy sandwich….” I answered with wide eyes. “I can’t believe it.  Why did I eat it?” Those women probably didn’t wear gloves and made those filthy sandwiches, and I ate one!! WHY?? WHY GOD? WHY???” I cried – laying back down.

I wanted Mr. Gaga to assure me that it was not a filthy sandwich that made me sick. 

Instead he looked at me and said “Yeah – why did you eat that??” with disgust.

“I don’t know!! Because I am trying to not be FAT!!!!! Every time I try to not be fat I get punished!!!!!” I cried.

Ok – this week is a new week.

I will run. (not with my murderous children)

I will not eat filthy sandwiches or pizza.

But it is my birthday this week….so maybe just one more piece of cake will be ok………and then I will totally start on that Tic Tac diet…..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW AS AN EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO  GAGA

28 responses »

  1. Happy Birthday week and good luck with your diet. I’m doing the same thing. My middle-aged body isn’t responding well. In fact, my body hates me. *neuroticfisbumps*

    Reply
  2. Hysterical, Lady! You sound very much like me. My friends and I call the diet we are SUPPOSED to be on “the mints on a toothpick and water” diet. Loved the Kelly/Betty comparison (Betty has put on the lbs. for sure but she was preggers in real life…what’s my excuse?) I have a dress to fit into in 11 days so my jaw is officially wired shut TODAY. But like Lance says, my body isn’t responding as well as it used to. I basically decided you have to be used to the hungry feeling…all the time or it doesn’t work! Also in college, I did just about the same thing AND entered a sub eating contest just because….

    Reply
  3. Happy Birthday!
    We’re a bit sandwich-obsessed, too. Husband gets our heroes from a place in Hoboken famous for their homemade mutz & Staten Island for pizza and chicken cutlet heroes.
    It’s a slight problem. A delicious, delicious, problem.

    Reply
  4. Happy Birthday!

    Every Sunday I lie in bed thinking this week is the week. The week when I’ll stop eating everything! Only to come home and be starving and the quickest thing to make: a sandwich. And you can’t have just one can you? And before you know I’m making dinner and then I eat that as well and then the mr. wants pancakes with ice cream for dessert and …… ugh I so need to go on the tick-tack diet!

    Reply
  5. Happy birthday. You could have at least died happy, knowing that the PTO assholes were courting a lawsuit with their “I dunnow” sandwhiches.

    Reply
  6. Holy shitballs. You really love your sang-wiches.

    Reply
  7. I love the care and attention you put into a blog post about your love for the sandwich. That’s fabulous! As for being punished for eating healthy, I recently dropped a frozen veggie burger patty on my toe. It hurt like a son of a bitch!

    You go and enjoy yourself some cake. Birthday weeks are not for dieting.

    Reply
  8. kelleysbreakroom

    1) I’ve never heard of a grinder.
    2) I’m from Texas, so maybe that is why.
    3) I can’t quit laughing at “sang-wich”.

    Reply
    • And I just found out from another blogger from Texas that everyone calls soda of any flavor “coke??”
      Crazy!! Lol

      Reply
      • kelleysbreakroom

        Yes! I mean, we refer to them in general as a “coke”, but, if I want a Dr. Pepper, I say “Dr. Pepper”. Texans are weird. Thanks for linking this up over at #findingthefunny this week! Just noticed you did. :)

      • I know someone from Louisiana who says that. “Want a coke? What kind?” Offers Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper. As if!

  9. Happy Birthday week! And I would totally have gotten up early to get a free sandwich – especially since I’m now craving one after reading this post!

    Reply
  10. Great now I want a deli sandwich and a piece of cake!

    Thanks for joining the party!

    Reply
  11. Happy Birthday! And also, I have never heard of a sandwich being called a grinder… I don’t even understand why. Also, I love sandwiches and ate them when I was pregnant and also resemble fat betty.

    Reply
  12. I am dying. This is so hilareous. I need to go on the tic tac diet as well! Happy Birthday!!

    Reply
  13. Okay first of all Kelly Ripa is WAY too skinny. She looks like a Type A personality made of bones and sinewy muscle. It is NOT sexy. Fat Betty or whatever her name is (no tv) is WAY prettier and sexier. And I’m sure you’re exaggerating anyway. Kelly Ripa, god bless her, looks like she has a severe anxiety disorder she controls by working out obsessively and that she is spun so tightly the smallest thing – like not loading the dishwasher properly – will make her explode in rage.

    ANYWAY I should start my Saturday Sandwiches segment again for you. Each week I share a recipe for an amazing sandwich. I too am Sandwich Obsessed.

    Now – eat up!

    Reply
  14. Am dying over you firebombing your sandwich postpartum ;) Here’s wishing for only good sandwiches in your future that in no way take a toll on your Betty Draper diet…

    Reply
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  22. I too am “skeeved” by food made by people I don’t know. I helped at a luncheon today at our school and a parent sent in a pasta salad…..with shrimp….seriously….shrimp! Needless to say I did not sample any. Every spoonful people put on their plates I pictured them tonight projectile vomiting from improperly prepared shellfish. LOVE your blog!

    Reply

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