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The years have not been kind….


If there was one thing I vowed never to do…..

and I have done it…..I forgot that I wasn’t going to age gracefully…

DAMN YOU GRAVITY AND SUN AND PARLIAMENT LIGHTS!!!

In two weeks I will  turn …GULP……an undesirable age.

I am not over the hill – but I am fast approaching the hill….it’s just around the bend.

I have noticed things have really taken a turn for the worse around here.  And by “around here” I mean my cigarette wrinkles around my lips, my angry “11” in between my eyebrows and my boob wrinkles in between my sagging boobs.

So – in the midst of raising the children and being in survival mode – I forgot about my vow…..which was to  NOT grow old gracefully.

I mentioned how I get very tan in the summer, and how people speak Spanish to me from June to September.  Well all of the tanning I have done in my life coupled with smoking – apparently has destroyed the collagen and elasticity of my skin!! (*Nonetheless – next weekend I will begin my annual 3 month-long obsession with the beach – no wrinkle will deter me from the sun!!)

This always seems like a good idea – but apparently it can cause the facial skin to turn into Louis Vuitton bags….

So last summer – I had an angry “11” in between my eyebrows that was WHITE!!!!  When a wrinkle is so deep it can’t get tan…..It’s time.  It has been time for quite a while.

The last time I met up with old friends I noticed they all had a youthful glow and their skin looked smooth and radiant.

“I have to get Botox, ” I said to my friend Christina.  “I look old and weathered next to you.”

She stared back at me in silence with no facial expression.  (I’m not sure if it was because she didn’t know what to say without hurting my feelings or if she can no longer move her face muscles.)

“Yes, Lady, you should get Botox, it’s time.” she said without moving one muscle in her entire face.

I have been thinking about it a lot.   When I look in the mirror I see an old woman.  It’s not what I want to look at first thing in the morning.

Recently my friend, Martha, has been on an insane health kick.  She makes all of her own foods and beverages from organic ingredients and is obsessed with kale and salmon.  She claims her hair is shiny and silky and she has the mind and body of a 21 year old.

She says horrible things like “Well I will let the kids eat goldfish if they have to – but honestly I can make my own organic fish-shaped goat-cheese kale salmon nips – and they are so much better!!”

So – when she was droning on and on about how she eats kale smoothies for  breakfast, I interrupted her and said, “How much kale should I eat to balance out Botox?”

That quickly brought the conversation to a close, and I realized how badly I really want to have a smooth face.  I am willing to forgo other healthy ways of living…..just give me the good stuff.

Just in the nick of time a client who has beautiful skin and doesn’t seem to be aging gracefully invited me to a party this week hosted by her plastic surgeon.

“It’s an open house and she gives out prizes and has cocktails and hors d’oeuvres for her best clients.  We can invite people so you should come, this way you will feel comfortable when you go get “something done,” and it’s so fun!”

I called my friend, Annie, who also has an “angry 11″  and told her to immediately arrange babysitting to go to this party.

When we arrived we were so excited – I felt like Tamera Barney going to a Botox party.  We mingled and pretended we belonged, and we met the female plastic surgeon that was hosting the party – (who by the way had an entire face made out of plastic.)

Undeterred, we met up with my client, and she was thrilled to see us and show us around.  This woman with the perfect skin apparently spends much of her time getting “work done” and she was none too happy to tell us about her mansion and her fancy life and shopping addiction. 

Then we had our palms read – which was an added feature to the party! 

Annie didn’t particularly like what her palm had said but I didn’t pry too much and encouraged her to get another glass of champagne.

“If anyone asks – just tell them we get all of our work done in New York, ” I said to Annie has we mingled around the spa.  “We want to seem like we belong.”

When we saw my client again – she grilled Annie, about what her fortune was.  Annie was dismissive and tried to brush her off.

“Well – what did he say?” she insisted.

Finally, fed up with the inquisition, she answered,

“He said I would be poor and he said I was a doormat.”

I gulped my champagne.  “Well – you do have doormat tendencies,” I said casually – “So what?”

She agreed, “Yes – yes – I have been working on that…” she agreed.

The client grabbed the finger of her hefty wedding ring and held it up – “Well by the look of this thing I don’t think you have to worry!!” she laughed.

We threw our heads back and all had a hearty “rich person laugh” – and we continued to mingle around.  We signed up for every raffle prize we could find and we decided to make our way – with visions of smooth foreheads in our immediate future.

When we were heading out my client (aka – my new best friend) was walking out with us.  Annie had recently been inspired by my blog post about how I stole Mr. Gaga’s car.

As we walked out – Annie nudged me, and said out of the corner of her mouth, “The car.”

Oh right.  Due to my inspiring blog - she recently traded cars with her husband.  She gave him her Escalade and took his beat-up 1990 Toyota Camry.  Here we were pretending we were the “Real Housewives,” and now we had to make a less than stellar exit in a jalopy.

We laughed so hard – we probably made more wrinkles.  

I am going to make my appointment this week.  I refuse to age out of my 30’s – and if I have to…I’m not going to let my forehead know about it.

Plus if I can’t make an angry face – do you think it will inadvertently make me happier?? It’s worth a try…

EVEN IF YOU THINK I AM SHALLOW FOR WANTING TO INJECT MY FOREHEAD WITH BOTULISM – YOU SHOULD STILL CLICK THE BANNER BELOW….IT’S A FUNNY CONTEST NOT A SHALLOW CONTEST PEOPLE…JUST DO IT….XO LADY GGGG

9 responses »

  1. You know what, baby? I say GO FOR IT…whatever floats your boat. Who is anyone to judge? If it makes you feel good, get an extra shot just for kicks. Oh, and Happy Birthday. I have given so many people your blog address after the very first post I read by you and we are all having a good snort on Sunday nights…keep it up!

    Reply
  2. My lucky number is “11”. Just sayin’

    Reply
  3. Everything about this is hysterical to me! I feel much the same way and I have the “11” as well (however faded it is becoming). I also got contacts recently so that I won’t be seen with a pair of readers anymore. Vain? Hell, yes! Do what you have to do, I say!!! You go, girl!!!

    Reply
  4. I kept waiting for you to have the actual botox injections! I’ve heard of parties where they do it on the spot for a {ahem} nominal fee.
    I haven’t had botox yet. But I would. And I will. Do it! And then let me know how it goes.

    Reply
  5. I don’t have the “angry 11″ or very many wrinkles at 34. No, I don’t eat kale and I haven’t had botox. It’s the other, lesser known, secret to looking younger than you are. Be fat. I don’t have fat injected into my wrinkles. I prefer to eat it, instead. Who knew there was a perk to being overweight?

    Reply
  6. My 34 year old friend just got botox and she looks AMAZING. There is a lot to be said with no 11’s and fuller lips when you used to smoke. Do whatcha gotta do.

    Reply
  7. Pingback: An explanation of this blog | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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