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We have a “Situation”


Boy you people sure do have opinions about “bullet-ing” – (as one reader called it in her comment last week.) I got lots of texts and emails regarding last week’s topic and fell off the couch laughing at the SNL skit on Shades of Grey last night….If you didn’t see it – google it ASAP!!

So – apparently in Connecticut we had a tornado/hurricane/end of the world in October, then we had a mild winter, then we went straight to summer with 88 degree days in March and then went back to cold, windy fall days – and this week we apparently live in Seattle. 

It was raining and misty all week and after a couple of days I just gave up with the hair.   Do people in London and Seattle just accept looking bad and walk around with bad hair??

Remember on Lost – we knew that Claire had completely lost her marbles when her hair started to look like a frizzy bad wig??? Yeah – that’s what I looked like at the bus stop this week…….

For a little while there before the “Seattle times”, and before the “May Autumn”, when it was “March Summer” – I actually had a decent tan going.

I am now back to being pasty white – which I hate.

I have mentioned before I have guidette tendencies because of my Italian background, and I have mentioned before that my son Sam was a born guido.  

He was actually born a little bit tan believe it or not.  He was born in May and I took him outside all summer long because I had a 9 month old to entertain (and I refuse to be anywhere but the beach in the summer.) 

I kept him out of the sun – in his infant carrier, under an umbrella.  By the end of the summer he was very dark brown.  He actually had a pacifier tan line – a perfect white circle around his mouth.  It’s one thing to be born with an olive skin tone – but this child was also born with the personality of an old Italian man. 

He had an affinity for velour Puma sweatsuits at an early age – it was all he would wear, he would fist pumps regularly, and he will only eat sausage sandwiches or pepperoni sandwiches for lunch.

When he was turning 2 – I asked him what he wanted for his birthday breakfast.  I told him he could have whatever he wanted – (expecting a request for donuts or pancakes.)

He replied – “Coffee and sausage.”

He wasn’t kidding. 

A few weeks ago – during the “March Summer” – we had a playdate at a park.  I sat on a bench with a tank top and capris on – basking in the 80 degree sun. I caught up with an old friend, while our boys played on the playground. 

We were deep in juicy conversation when Sam came running over out of breath – pulling on my arm – saying “Mommy, Mommy.”

I ignored him and kept talking for a few minutes – but he kept at it.

“Excuse me Mama, Excuse me Mama…”

Finally I had to stop talking to my friend…

“What? What do you want?” I asked exasperated.

“Am I getting tan?” he asked with a concerned look.

I just stared at him.

“Um – yes Sam – you probably are.”

“Ok – thanks.” he said and ran off.

I looked at my friend in shock. “What four-year-old stops playing to check on the status of their tan??” I asked with bewilderment.

“Well – the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” she answered.

It’s true of course.  I love a tan. I spent many years going to tanning salons and I am capable of getting frighteningly tan. 

This is me at the bus-stop with a tan.

The only sentence I know in Spanish is “No Habla Espanol” – because so many Hispanic people try to talk to me in the summer.

I love my Italian heritage – and I love that Sam is a little Jersey Shore character, especially since we live in a town where there are 2 Italians, (me and Sam.)  Even though we are all half Irish and half Italian – Mr. Gaga and Michael tend to be a little more Irish than Sam and I care for, and vice versa.

A couple of weeks ago, Mr. Gaga and I were arguing about something and he said, “Well you are absurd.”

Sam heard him and ran in from the other room to come to my defense.

“She is NOT ABSURD!!” he yelled at his father.

“Oh really? Then what is she?” Mr. Gaga said with amusement.

Sam looked at Mr. Gaga with a very serious look.

“She is ITALIAN!” he yelled indignantly.

We died laughing.

The point I am painstakingly trying to make is this.

My son was born a little “guido” that wears wife-beaters and has a New York accent and I am a guidette who likes to be tan and eat pasta.

Despite this “Situation” – it would NEVER, EVER be okay – to say – I don’t know……. TAKE HIM TANNING!

Ok I have definitely made him participate in the G and the L……..

but the T???  Really??

A woman from (where else?) Nutley, NEW JERSEY!  was arrested after being accused of bringing her 6-year-old daughter tanning! 

Now if this is not disturbing enough – I had the bad luck to watch a story about this on the news.

My eyeballs will never be the same.

If I saw this woman on the street – I would make a citizen’s arrest for disturbing the peace with her nutella-smeared leather face….and good God woman did you ever hear of blotting papers???

Apparently she has had to deal with some harsh critics lately – since she has been all over the news.  To this she replied to a TMZ reporter – “People criticize me because they are all fat and ugly.”

I am sorry – have you looked in the mirror lately Nutley, New Jersey Lady?

Do you find it all problematic that you look like Michael Jackson when he dressed up as a scarecrow in The Wiz?

Do you see your twin all the way to the right?? Are you sure you should be calling people ugly when you look like that??  At least the scarecrow has teeth and did his hair……

It’s one thing to be an idiot and go tanning incessantly – clearly we all know this is a health hazard. It can cause wrinkles and apparently make faces look like Fonzi’s leather jacket.

It’s another thing entirely – to roast your children in a tanning bed.

Excuse me Scarecrow, let me get this straight. Not only did you bring a child tanning with you – but you brought a “ginger-child?” It’s GYM, Tan, Laundry – Not GINGER, TAN, LAUNDRY!! What were you trying to do – burst her into flames???????

I love a tan like nobody’s business, but really this woman is giving tanners a bad name.

I never thought I could say this – but someone took GTL a little too far. 

I’m so glad it wasn’t me for once!

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS A FUNNY, FUNNY MOTHER WHO IS SO NICE THAT SHE DOESN’T EVEN ROAST HER BABY IN THE TANNING SALON……XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

 

Linking to POUR YOUR HEART OUT

14 responses »

  1. A little Guido lol…

    Everyone else seems to be either angry or laughing at this woman. To me, when I see her, I get really really sad. She’s so crazy it makes me weepy. I feel really bad for her.

    Reply
  2. She lookds like she’s been dipped in varnish or furniture polist. Is that an end table or a woman?

    I have a lot of Italian and some cherokee indian in my family. I stay tan year round. Yeah, hate me, ya’ll, bring it!

    The weird thing is the only child in my family that looks like me is my 10 year old niece – her last name is Ambrosino – so whenever we’re all out in public my niece and I just tell people that we belong to each other. Its Georgia, incest jokes are accepted.

    Reply
  3. Yoy should check out the SNL skit of Patricia Krenctil played by Kristen Wiig…hilarious!

    Reply
  4. Does this dumb ass realize that she looks like crap? I love people who use the “their just jealous card” no were not jealous we are laughing at you being a complete moron. I did not realize her baby girl was a ginger. Oh lord this woman needs therapy. Does she not get the whole skin cancer thing?

    Reply
  5. Hehe, my inherited Italian skin is the milk bottle white variety sadly whilst ironically having inherited all other colouring of my English side except the dark skin. Crazy. There’s something not right with looking like you’ve been in a microwave too long personally. Your little one is hilarious. Oh and that TV shot? That’s not what Seattle/England weather does to your hair, trust me. That’s is way too stylish and shaped and prinked and curled. Think more drowned rat who’s rubbed a balloon over their head. ;)

    Reply
  6. Hahahaha. I love that your son has been a guido in training since infancy. That’s too cute.

    I heard about the tanning lady…what a freak of nature. Didn’t know the kid was a ginger to boot…that’s a double no-no.

    Reply
  7. That lady is seriously a little whacky. And your son saying you are italian…too funny!

    Reply
  8. When your facial tan looks like you’re wearing black face, it’s time to stop. Maybe all those UV lights fried her brain.

    Reply
  9. I can’t see taking my kids tanning! And wow, is she scary looking!

    Reply
  10. That is a truly terrifying picture, but this post cracked me up. I love the image of the baby with the pacifier tan lines. Priceless. erin

    Reply
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