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Bullets for Breakfast


ALERT: DAD AND MR. GAGA’s FAMILY AND FRIENDS  – THIS POST CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL THAT MAY BE OFFENSIVE

I am a reader.  I belong to a book club that considers itself filled with intelligent sometimes haughty women who wouldn’t be caught dead reading something like Twilight or a smutty romance novel.

However, we were all intrigued by the latest craze of 50 Shades of Grey.  Not our usual choice – we decided to go outside of our comfort zone and try some “mommy porn,” as it’s been dubbed.

The first few nights I read it – I fell asleep from boredom with the book on my chest.  By the third night I got to some racy parts – but was so turned off by the cheese factor I couldn’t believe it.

Is this what women in America find entertaining? A woman who says “Oh my!”  when she is aroused?? Really??

My best friend, (I’ll call her L) who has literally read 2 books in her entire life, was even feeding into the hype.

“Is it good? Should I read it?” she asked me.  She really needs 100 percent confirmation that it’s going to be worth it – if she puts down her US Weekly and reads a book.

“I don’t really think so…it’s kind of boring.” I answered.

“Well like what happens? Tell me a scene that would be exciting.” she implored.

“Hmm, well like last night I read it and she had a dream that she was tied up spread eagle on the bed and the boyfriend whipped her vagina with a riding crop until she had an orgasm.”

Silence.

“Ummm, that would hurt and I would be pissed.” she answered.

“I know!! I’m telling you!!” I answered laughing.

Are we crazy that we don’t find this exciting?

Are we just too bitchy to find the fun in having a rich man whip us and tie us up?  Is it exciting because he’s rich and he buys her clothes and jewelry?

Because let me tell you – I love me some jewels and Louis Vuitton – but I think I would rather eat Ramen Noodles and wear jelly bracelets - than have to call someone “Sir” while he whips my hoo-ha.

The more I read the more I am concerned for America.

I had a hunch we were in trouble when everyone went crazy over Twilight.

Women all across America are locked up in their houses fantasizing about making out with a vampire or getting whipped by some rich dude.

Am I the only person that finds this troubling?

If this is indicative of the general state of our national self-esteem…..we are totally screwed.

I kept reading but haven’t really been too excited by this book – and PS the actual writing is god-awful.

L  called a few days after our chat.

There is a neighbor of her’s that she always complains about.  The woman lets her children roam free without watching them and her house is always filthy.  This woman doesn’t work,  so L has always wondered what she does all day.

“So – I saw my neighbor outside while the kids were playing – and that book came up, and I told her how you didn’t really like it….” she said.

“Yeah…”

“So – she said – “Oh no, I love it! I was reading it the other day – and I had to take out my “Bullet” twice…”

I died laughing.

“Can you believe that her house is fucking filthy – I’m here like feeding her kids – and she’s inside with the blinds closed – jacking off?” she said with horror.

No.

No I can’t believe it.

I have mentioned many times how I don’t seem to find the time to clean and get things done that need to get done.  Generally speaking in terms of taking care of business – on my to-do list taking care of my vagina is usually not on the list at all.

“I’m so tired. If I finish all these dishes – I will go get the clothes off of the line – and then I will go in my room and get naked and make some time for my vagina.”

I am very sorry – but I just cannot believe that while Japan is conquering the world – here in America we are all lying around in the middle of the day reading trashy novels and masturbating.

No wonder everyone is fat.

This book should be called “50 Ways to Feel Bad about yourself and get fatter than you already are….”

So then I went to work and told this story to some of the girls I work with.  After I told them about L’s neighbor one of the girl’s stared at me.

“Well – of course – everyone has a “bullet.” I could never live without mine.” she said matter-of-factly.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I yelled in between laughter.

“What – don’t you have one?” she asked dead seriously.

“NO!!!!  I have a real live penis that lives with me – and I barely even use that!!! WHO HAS THIS KIND OF TIME????????” I yelled.

“Oh you’re missing out…I better get that book.” she answered matter-of-factly.

I give up.

Does anyone have any good book suggestions for the summer that don’t involve vampires or sadomasochism??

And PLEASE – WOMEN IN AMERICA – CAN THE NEXT BOOK WE OBSESS OVER – MAKE US STRONGER AND SMARTER AS WOMAN???

CAN WE NOT STAY HOME WITH BULLETS PRETENDING THAT IT IS A VAMPIRE’S PENIS??? PLEASE????????? AND IF YOU LIKE THIS POST PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK!! LET’S GET THE WORD OUT!!

XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Linking to Pour Your Heart Out and Mama Kat

 

 

http://yeahwrite.me/56-open-challenge/

101 responses »

  1. I thought you stay at homers waited for us big bad men to come home and take care of business.

    that’s sarcasm. A lot of it.

    BTW, you should “bullet point” this post. Thanks, I’m here all week.

    Reply
  2. LOL. I love it. I just ordered the book on amazon a few days ago. I kept hearing and hearing the hype and decided to finally see what its about. The fact that it was Twilight fan fiction is what kept me away having never been interested in pasty white vampires.

    Next book I’m reading is going to be the Bloggess’s. Her blog is too funny, so her book must be just as good.

    Reply
  3. Oh, my. Didn’t you get so fucking sick of that Ana bitch saying “oh, my.” I was so appalled by chapter 5 that I requested a refund from Amazon and deleted that shit off my Kindle. As if the writing isn’t bad enough, the cheese ass porn scenes add to the sickness of it all. Thank goodness I’m not the only woman that wasnt turned on and begging for more at this pathetic attempt at literature. If Christian Grey ends up being a vampire, it’ll be yet another reason to hate that shit.
    Hilarious post. As usual. Love this blog.

    Reply
  4. “My bullet is dustier than my vagina,” Poppy muttered.

    Its shit like this that makes me think I have a book in me. Nope, it is just an errant Ben Wa ball.

    Reply
  5. I had never heard of this book until a couple of days ago and didn’t know what it was about until today. I read to my husband your conversation to your coworker, because it was awesome!

    I really like “The Ex-Boyfriend’s Handbook” and “Ex-Girlfriends United” by Matt Dunn. Great British humour. I also just read Rob Lowe’s autobiography and I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.

    Reply
  6. Bahahahahahaha! I love it! Thank god someone else feels this way! I was debating reading this book because of the hype, but now no way!

    Reply
  7. Hey, you could always read Nicholas Sparks, but that numnutz kills someone in every friggin’ book. I only know this because it has become a joke when my wife wants to see a movie…

    Does someone die? Is it a Sparks movie?

    Reply
  8. OK I read the first one and let me tell you this is not what I call porn…this is soft boring vanilla porn…yes I am a chick and I like my porn. The book kind of got a little boring towards the end. and if I read one more time that she should stop biting her lip I was going to lose my shit!

    Reply
  9. I recommend Hunger Games trilogy if you haven’t read them. There’s nothing remotely pornographic about them, and they totally live up to all the hype. I loved them!!!

    Reply
  10. Ha! My sister told me she was reading this and I was surprised (“Really? Bad twilight fanfiction porn!? REALLY?”). But I think some bullet-ing is good for women and definitely something they should make time for. That being said, I do think taking care of the kids should come first…

    Reply
  11. Gloria lubenstein

    If I read Fifty Shades of Grey, and I could write, I would have written that blog. Good for you Lady GGGG you ( pardon the pun) nailed it.

    Reply
  12. “And PLEASE – WOMEN IN AMERICA – CAN THE NEXT BOOK WE OBSESS OVER – MAKE US STRONGER AND SMARTER AS WOMAN???”

    Exactly!! Great post!

    Reply
  13. HaaHaaa.

    Everybody @ work is reading 50 Shades. We are all giggling in the break room!

    James sure as hell isn’t going to win the Pulizer, but the sex is good.

    I agree about the Sir, Control, Domination, & Whips Etc….

    But I think James hit a nerve in women who want Christian Grey , who is 50 shades of Fu%#ed up, to change.

    What the reader really wants is, perhaps, 25 shades of good hot sex.

    For me, it’s just fluffy fun to talk w/ the girls about… & I wouldn’t mind trying some of the, um, sex stuff. Ya know what I mean?

    Loved the post, GooGooGaGa <3

    Reply
  14. If someone whips my vagina with a riding crop police are going to be called!
    I don’t get this book at all! But I agree with your friend that everyone has a bullet! But I guess I have a valid excuse–I am not married. LOL

    Reply
  15. Indeed! What happened to being embarrassed to read this kind of crap. You might read it, but you’d never admit it. Thank you all for making me realize I am not alone. As far as a good book to read — there is a great void currently it appears. I do enjoy the Maisie Dobbs series if you like history and mystery blended together. Right now I’m reading Jesus, My Father, the CIA and Me by Ian Cron.

    Reply
  16. I’ve heard 50 shades mentioned on facebook but I usually don’t buy into the latest craze and by what you’re saying I’m glad I haven’t.

    Dude I’d be just as pissed if my neighbor admitted to jacking off during the middle of the day as her kdis ran crazy around the nieghborhood. Yes I jsut said dude ….that’s how pissed I’d be.I’d revert back to a crazy 90’s teenage girl.

    Reply
  17. So, I am with the girls who say everyone has a bullet, because I thought so too. But that book sounds awful! I hate trashy romance novels. Who has time for that crap?

    Reply
  18. I haven’t read it. Don’t plan to. Here’s a great book to read if you haven’t- Wicked. The book. By Greg McGuire. It is fascinating how he takes a hated character and creates a backstory for her so believable… you maybe do and maybe don’t hate her. Amazing book. Great post. Always love them~ Kristen

    Reply
  19. Great post! I’ve only just recently heard of this book – now I know it’s a no go for me!

    Reply
  20. kelleysbreakroom

    Oh, you are so RIGHT! I actually haven’t read the books and I’m kind of boycotting them, I guess. That lady is getting filthy rich, even though her writing is horrible, like you said. I didn’t know her hoo-ha was whipped. Ouch! Thanks for the laugh!

    Reply
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  22. mamaslosinit

    This post is hilarious!! I got the book to make a funny video where I read steamy passages of it, but then I was like “Dude I don’t want to read this!!” I am TOTALLY with you on the idea that the next major trilogy American women decide to get wrapped up in should be a GOOD one…but….ahem….you don’t HAVE a bullet!?!!? I really recommend…oh…my.

    Reply
  23. I’m a little bit sad that the only parts of this post I understand ARE the bullet-points.

    Baha. Seriously though wtf is this book? It sounds ridiculous. I can give you TONS of good reading suggestions if you like. I teach the lit. Not to be confused with the clit.

    I have no real penis and no bullet. That might explain things.

    Damn I need to read some better books.

    Reply
  24. I haven’t read it yet but yes, i fell for the hype too and have picked it up.
    That said, I just finished Adriana Trigiani’s book called The Shoemaker’s Wife and call me sappy, but I fucking loved it. So romantic and set in Italy and New York for the most part.

    Reply
  25. I haven’t read the book. I don’t really always get does it for straight women. Shiny vampire abs aren’t my thing. But to each their own. I think the world might be a nicer place if more people had regular orgasms.

    Reply
  26. I was bored to tear by this book and couldn’t finish chapter 2. On the flip side loved a modern take on The Scarlet Letter called When She Woke by Hillary Jordan. Your book club of smart chicks will LOVE it! Let’s stage a counter-revolution! Erin

    Reply
  27. I read the Amazon reviews for this book and noticed a trend. All the people who rave about this book are people who are not regular readers. All the people who gave it one star are either writers or people who read a lot. The negative reviews were about how bad the writing was.

    I won’t read it because it sounds horrible. Loved your post, though. :)

    Reply
  28. Oh my god this is hilarious. I laughed out loud. I never laugh out loud. And thanks for the heads up about this book. Im ashamed to admit I got sucked into the Twilight crud. In my defence my life was upside down at the time.

    Thanks for laughs! :D

    Reply
  29. OK now I can’t get the image of a bullet in my pants out of mind. Thank you very much!! It makes me think I have a teeny tiny penis in my pants. LOL

    Reply
  30. Betty Bakedgood

    Dear God! From the moment I read your warning I knew I’d love this post! I have yet to read the book because it just sounded stupid. Now that you’ve shared more details, I’m CONVINCED I made the right choice by not reading it. I’ve also refused all vampire porn. Maybe I’m a bitter bitch, but I’ll help you stand your ground! Not sure what kind of stuff you like to read, but I plan on picking up Colin Powell’s newest book about leadership. I’m very intrigued by him, and recently met him. Should be a good book.

    Reply
  31. OH MY GOD please

    this is just horrible people please

    Reply
  32. I would sincerely love to leave a witty comment right now but I cannot stop laughing long enough to actually formulate one. Hahahahahahaha!!!

    Reply
  33. This is hilarious. But thanks for the heads up on the book. I thought it would have been worth buying.

    Reply
  34. Oh my god, yes.Thank you! My thoughts exactly. My mom (what!) gave me this and was basically like, “I hated this, you should read it” ? Ok… I got two chapters in and just, no. Mind boggling how popular it is.

    Reply
  35. Finally…I’ve been yearning for an anti-50 Shades post. I’ve read way too many in praise of it. I could not agree with you more – for heaven sake, ladies, let’s raise our standards of literature. What a pile of manure. And this is the sex we want to be having? Really? Read The Family Fang – hilarious book about family and what constitutes art. Great post!

    Reply
  36. I want nothing to do with 50 Shades of Grey. Not because it’s erotica, but because it’s full of crappy writing. I don’t think reading a bit of silly smut is such a bad thing though…there’s a difference between being turned on by “calling someone sir while he whips your hoo-ha” (BAHAHAAHAHAHA, by the way) and actually WANTING to…well…you know.

    Reply
  37. sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms

    1. You are not alone. 2. Amen Sister. 3. BWAHAHHAHA! Is that what y’all meant by bulleting? ;) Ellen

    Reply
  38. I haven’t read it yet – but I LOVED this post! Some of the lines were great. Awesome blog!

    Reply
  39. Um, screw the book, I’m lactose intolerant – but *every* woman should own a joy buzzer….seriously. And it’s not about time – hell, 5 minutes max, darlin’, and your mood is mightily uplifted, and you’ve given yourself a nice little bit o’ cardio. Make sure you get something rechargeable, or you’ll spend a fortune on batteries.

    Reply
  40. Yeah, I just realized when I commented so eloquently a moment ago, I flubbed the spelling of my own email addy – in my own defense, it *is* Hump Day. Heh. (Wonder how much $$ that chica’s made off writing drivel…..hmmmmm.)

    Reply
  41. There were at least five lines in this post that I copied, thinking I would comment on them, and then I found a better one. I ended up choosing this one:

    “The more I read the more I am concerned for America.”

    Which may just be my motto for the summer.

    I had major problems with Twilight when it came out because the sections I read seemed eerily similar to the beginning stages of domestic violence. It creeped me out to see teens reading the books and then look see the dating violence PSA’s basically illustrating the characters’ relationships, just without vampires.

    I haven’t read “50 Shades” but based on the excerpts, the writing is bad and it demeans women. Sign me up, because I have so much free time to waste, probably because I don’t have a “Bullet.” Why is it called that? What is with America and our sex/violence confusion?

    Reply
  42. First of all, you totally have time for this. It takes, what, about five minutes to … um… achieve results, no? (I don’t own a bullet and have live-in access to a penis too but sometimes that’s too much work.) ; )

    But I agree overall. I thougtht the book was rubbish and was baffled by people’s obsession with it… until I got to the juicy bits. Honest, it did help reignite my child-oppressed sex life. But I won’t bother with the other books. I can return to choice bits for their intended purpose. I wrote a post about this as well… http://www.mamamzungu.com/2012/04/50-shades-of-wtf-ery.html

    (I normally don’t pimp my own blog like this, but if anyone’s interested in another humorous take on this… Though I’m guessing we’re all 50 Shades of Over the Hype already…)

    Reply
  43. Dying. This is so great. I read the Amazon excerpt of 50 shades and that was enough “insight’ into the hoo-ha whipping for me.

    Reply
  44. Oh thank you for writing this. My husband (!) told me about 50 Shades and I cringed at the thought of it “taking American moms by storm” – really? How pathetic. I haven’t read it – I won’t read it. I’m not uptight or anti-mommy porn or anything but I do take umbrage at this now being a mainstream standard for book clubs! (We just finished Ulysses in our book club. Some of them had also read Twilight but … come on, there is SO much more stuff out there to read.) Anyway – loved this! PS: I recently wrote a post on my blog listing some really good book recs – I think it was called 15 Books – but these are mostly about the immigrant experience or Third World experiences but – some great reads up there if you’re looking for suggestions.

    Reply
  45. HA! I’m with you on the worrying about the state of Americans and their reading choices. Twilight? Ick. Fifty Shades of Grey? Bigger ick.

    Reply
  46. i am hype averse…all those books are on my refuse to read list..along with Harry Potter and The hunger Games.

    thanks for the laughs.

    Reply
  47. No wonder we’re all fat. I laughed so fricking hard!
    Listen – I got a bullet, but I’m not using it every day while reading housewife porn and letting my kids starve.

    Reply
  48. You crack me up! I’m skeeved by how much I know about women taking care of their own based on this book. There are some images I shouldn’t have in my brain. Coworkers and friends and neighbors and their bullets? No thank you!

    Reply
  49. Given that American Idol has been the most watched show on TV for several years now and the popularity of this book, it’s obvious that there is no accounting for taste in our society.

    Reply
  50. There’s no accounting for taste. That’s why millions of people still watch American Idol and 5th rate “stars” dancing every week.

    Reply
  51. Dude, I gave up on the American public having taste, period, a long time ago: making the Kar-douche-ians and their ilk famous, reality TV garbagio, and Botox overdosing illustrate our sad decline. Gimme a good book, access to my blog & some good Twitter pals – that’s all I ask. Heh.

    Reply
  52. Love this! My mom asked me to order it from Amazon for her from Mother’s Day and I told her that I refuse to participate. Perhaps I should just buy her a “bullet” and tell her to make up her own story!

    Reply
  53. You are so right! I read all 3 books but it was out of sick fascination. I mean who decides it is mazing to be beat with riding crops and managed by a control freak as their first sexual experiences. Are you kidding me?!? Any women with even an ounce of self esteem would have run for the hills. Is E.L. James really a married woman? Does she not understand that we are looking for a fantasy man who cleans his dirty clothes off the floor and asks for sex maybe once a month but is okay with it when you say you just want to read before bed.

    P.S.: Was it just me or does she grossly misuse the words “mutter” and “ah” throughout? It had to be in there at least once a page.

    P.S.S: My 60 year old mom is reading this book and insists on calling me to “discuss”. I feel the urge to do a shot every time I see her number on my caller id!

    Reply
  54. I just snorted coffee out my nose! CRACKING UP! You always keep me in stitches.

    Reply
  55. Pingback: 10 Reasons Why My Kids are Lucky to Have Me as their Mother « Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  56. I AM MORE THAN IN LOVE WITH THIS POST! I saw a comment for it on another blog, and all I could think was yes! Finally! Which I am a month late, I live in a small town, we always hear of all the newest hype’s last.

    I read the first book and a sample of the second. I understand the hype, it’s about the power and the control, women’s need to be taken care of, and the ultimate fantasy of women, if they admit it or not. It is complete mommy porn. Kind of like stay at home mother’s needing a richer life, looking for something deeper. What’s more saddening is women who post things on message boards, thing such as “Where can I find my Christian Grey?! PLEASE!” There are just so many things written in this book, it pains me to read it, I hate putting excerpts like that on your article (lol) but all I could thing was “OMG, who would think such stupid thoughts?” WHY!? WHY?! By the 5th Chapter I wanted to punch Ana in her stupid face.

    I read summaries first and now all I can think is “sex 40 times a day, crying about the relationship, talking about the relationship, more sex.” I’m pained and saddened for having spent $10 on the first one through Kindle, I’m debating on the second.

    Haha, I have this fantasy that the second couldn’t be near as bad as the first.

    Reply
  57. Thank you for this. I am so sick of hearing about this book! I downloaded a sample and I couldn’t make it past the first chapter the writing was so bad. I am posting this to my virtual book club wall which has had a running conversation about this book for the past two months. Hopefully you will shut them up!

    Reply
  58. LMAO. Three things. 1: I’m trying to get into this book and I can’t.It’s lame and poorly written. 2: You and I are both better writers, so if this shit got published, well, we’ll be like writing rock stars or something. 3: Bullets are for wimps. Get a Hitachi Magic Wand. It’s like riding a jackhammer.

    Reply
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  61. Stop cleaning your house for a night (obvious sign of sexual frustration) and read this: mysexlifewithlola
    You’re welcome.

    Reply
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  64. “NO!!!! I have a real live penis that lives with me – and I barely even use that!!! WHO HAS THIS KIND OF TIME????????” I yelled.

    Pretty sure I just pissed myself laughing. Awesome. Found you through Circle of Moms Top 25 Contest and am now OD’ing on your blog. Love it.

    Reply
    • Thanks for reading!!!! And appreciating;)

      Reply
      • Thought I’d add, I don’t own a bullet either (“Ain’t nobody got time for that!”), & only last year did we buy anything to enhance the bedroom stuff after 12yrs together; I suggested we spice things up, as every female I know was reading, & constantly telling me I should read, 50 Shades. I just couldn’t get past the second chapter. That said, I read the Twilight books after an English teacher friend suggested them (way before they were movies). I liked them, way more than I thought I would, but didn’t/don’t fantasize about vampires/werewolves. I just think magical stuff is cool, much cooler than anything realistic(ish) that I saw in 50 shades.

      • Yes – I loved Harry Potter and the Hunger Games – I guess I am just not that into vampire romance…

  65. I’m late to this party because I’ve also just discovered your blog through Circle of Moms Top 25 Contest. Your comments about 50-Shades accurately summarized my feelings about that book and had me rolling on the floor with laughter. I appreciate your humor and look forward to following your posts in the future. Here are my favorite books for thinking women:

    The Lifeboat by Charlotte Rogan
    The Chaperone by Laura Moriarty
    The Sandcastle Girls by Chris Bohjalian
    The Dovekeepers by Alice Hoffman
    The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling

    Each has a stong female protagonist who is confronted with challenges (both external and from within). Each book gave me a lot to think about long after I finished reading.

    Reply
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  70. Okay this post just cracked me up. Again. I read it the first time you posted then as a link again in your most recent post. Honestly, I love getting the email that your latest post is up. It’s a refreshing, honest moment of wake-the-hell-up-and-get-over-yourselves that is a great stress reliever in this insanity that is my life.

    Thank you.

    Reply
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