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Bad Catholic – Easter Edition


Today is a great day! It is Easter Sunday, the day that Jesus rose from the dead.

I have been learning so much about religion now that Michael is in CCD and it’s interesting to view Catholic traditions through his eyes. 

For example, during the Superbowl we were watching the half-time show (obvi – I love me some Madge) and Michael asked

“Why is Cee Lo wearing a dress?”

“It’s not really a dress, it’s like…you know the same thing that priests wear.” I answered distractedly.

“Ooohh,” he answered knowingly. “You mean a Snuggie…..”

“Um – I think they are called habits or something….” I answered trying to watch the show.

“What?” he asked.

He was totally ruining my Madonna time – “Yes – priests wear Snuggies, just sit down and watch the show.”

The Catholic church has enough issues as it is. If I saw this creepy weirdo coming at me with communion - I would run for my life.

I also just recently found out the actual details about this whole Easter situation.  My Catholic friends from college couldn’t believe I didn’t know this story – but apparently I really didn’t pay much attention in church or CCD!

“So today He woke up?” I asked Mr. Gaga at breakfast while the kids poured out the contents of their Easter baskets.

“He rose again and ascended into heaven.” Mr. Gaga replied not looking up from the sports section.

“Well did He wake up in the cave and at least go into town and say like

“Ha-ha suckers!  Who has two thumbs and totally isn’t nailed to a cross with a thorn hat anymore?”

“Noooo, He “ascended into heaven.” he said impatiently.

“What? How do we know?” I asked with shock.

“Because the rock in front of the cave was moved.” he replied.

“What???? That’s all the evidence we have??? This whole day is based on a moved rock?? I thought this was confirmed…..I at least thought someone saw him like roaming the streets…..”

Mr. Gaga just stared at me unfazed by my revelation.

Hmmm, I don’t know if I am buying this story now.

Anyways – regardless if the Jesus story is true or not – at the very least, Easter marks the end of a dreadful time known as Lent.

Lent isn’t necessarily so bad – but it’s quite unenjoyable when you live with a husband who is allergic to all shellfish, and children that decide you should give up chocolate for Lent and watch you like hawks to make sure you never cheat.

During this time – we also were responsible for collecting money in an “Operation Rice Bowl” that Michael brought home from CCD. 

It is a little cardboard box with a picture of a starving child on it, with a slot on the top for coins, and the money goes to Catholic Relief Services

Thankfully, my cousin came over one day and got guilted by Michael into pouring her entire wallet of change into the box and we were pretty much done with our collection.  The kids were fascinated by the box.

“Why do we have to put money in here?” Michael asked looking at the cardboard “Rice Bowl” at the kitchen island while I did the dishes with my back to him.

“Because there are kids that have no food and this money will help them….like the boy that you see on the box.” I answered without looking up.

“Well, he doesn’t look very hungry to me.” he sniffed.

“Michael, that’s rude! He’s starving!” I answered.

“No he’s not!! He’s smiling!” he protested.

“He’s probably trying to look good for the picture!!  He’s very sad!” I answered indignantly.

“Well then why doesn’t he just eat the huge loaf of bread that he’s holding?”

I turned away from the dishes.  “Let me see that.” I grabbed the box.

I mean I have to say - he doesn't look too upset about the situation...I can see how this could be confusing to Michael....(and by the way if you like his shirt - I think I just saw it last week in the children's department at Saks.)

When we finally had to turn it in to Michael’s CCD class, I placed it in my car in the morning so that I wouldn’t forget it in the rush of the afternoon. 

Off I went to run a bunch of errands I needed to do before we went to NY for the holiday weekend. 

I found the perfect spot on the street and realized that my coin collection for the meter was a little pathetic.  I had mostly nickels and pennies in the cup holder of my car.

I looked longingly at the Operation Rice Bowl in my passenger seat. 

I decided that stealing from the children wearing designer shirts “poor and hungry” for my parking meter would be an unforgivable Lenten offense. 

I decided to rush – and figured any God or police officer would see my Operation Rice Bowl on the car seat and know that I was someone who did good works and should be rewarded.

 

Do you see my life?

Is it because I’m not so sure about the moved rock story or because of all those times when I told my parents I was going to mass but I really went to McDonald’s???

Why God?? WHY???

When we turned in the dang Rice Bowl that afternoon, the teacher made a fuss – saying Michael was the only one in the class to do it.  So I felt good about that – maybe it was worth getting a ticket after all.

Let’s face it, we can teach him to be charitable since we don’t do much as far as religion goes.  We don’t say grace, we don’t go to mass unless it’s a holiday, we don’t teach our kids to say prayers…

So imagine my surprise when I came back to pick him up and the teacher greeted me beaming.

“Michael is so wonderful! He passed his “Hail Mary test!” He knew the whole thing!”

I was completely shocked.  How the hell did he learn the Hail Mary?

I was so taken off-guard.  I don’t know why I said this but…..

I put my hands on Michael’s shoulders and used my “fake Mommy voice” and said…

“Oh – wonderful! They must have reviewed that on Sponge-Bob this week!”

I don't think Michael's teacher really "gets me."

Happy Easter everyone!!

Don’t even think of not voting for me- after I got a parking ticket instead of stealing from the Operation Rice Bowl….Click on the banner below!!! XO, Lady Goo Goo Gaga

9 responses »

  1. On Holy Thursday, on our way from from school, my (baptized Catholic) 1st grader asked me if we were serving Matzo at our Seder.
    I told my husband he really needs to pick a church and get the kids signed up for CCD soon, because I think the kids are a bit confused.

    Reply
  2. “Did he at least go into town and say “Haha suckers!” Exactly, Jesus didn’t gloat enough about being resurrected. It’s suspicious. I love how Mr. Gaga tried to explain the deep meaning of Easter without interrupting his important sports reading. Cee Lo wearing a snuggie made me laugh out loud.

    Reply
  3. Just sayin why didn’t you just exchange some of your pennies for quarters I the rice bowl and make it an even draw? Throw in some extra pennies for good measure? Found you at finding the funny

    Reply
  4. Pingback: 10 Reasons Why My Kids are Lucky to Have Me as their Mother « Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  5. Pingback: Why my kids are lucky to have me…. | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  6. Pingback: Tomorrow Easter will be a thing of the past…. | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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