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My placenta tastes better than your placenta……


We just had a conference week so EVERY DAY was early dismissal!! You know how the teachers in my town don’t like to stay at school anytime after 3:30…right?  

So by cutting the school day short they are able to eat 55 sandwiches and meet with parents without having a long day.

Anyways, so what we did to fill our days was host playdates!!  I was due for a bunch so we had 6 playdates this week and I have to say that now that the kids are getting older – it really isn’t too bad.

However – it made me think back to the time when I was locked up in the house with babies and had gotten roped into a playgroup.  Those playdates were the absolute worst hours of my life!!!

Let’s face it – the playdate for babies and toddlers is really an excuse for bored moms to get together and talk about how horrible their lives are. 

Of course, my luck is to get stuck with a bunch of women who want to talk about how much they love their children.

Playdates are also an opportunity for moms to participate in one of their favorite past-times which is to compete with other mothers. 

Why do we do it? 

Why do we even compete about food??

Why do we care?

But we do.

It starts right from the minute we get pregnant.

“You eat cold cuts? – Oh I would never, I haven’t even had a drop of coffee, not even decaf because Dr. Oz says there’s caffeine in decaf….”

Then we start right away competing with the whole breastfeeding war.

“I breastfed Ava right up until she was ready for first grade…I didn’t mind at all….”

Then we jump into food. 

Oh I would never feed my baby – baby food from a jar!!! I make all of my own baby food from scratch.  I bought a $300 baby food maker and it purees an organic banana like you wouldn’t believe.”

Of course some people even take it a step further.

January Jones recently announced that she has been consuming her own placenta since giving birth to her child.  This is the new cool thing to do apparently.  Placentas can be ground up and eaten in pill form for the squeamish…..

Alicia Silverstone has been all over the headlines because she believes that she is a bird.  Because of this – she spits food into her child’s mouth after she chews it for him.

Let me just say Alicia – there is something called a food processor.  I know you are out to win “Mom of the Century” but let’s not reinvent the wheel here.

There are many ways to cut up food.  If you didn’t want to waste energy by using a blender – (because I know how you hippies are) you could even use a good old fork and knife to cut things up.

I’m not quite sure what you are accomplishing by making out with your baby in this manner,  instead of just feeding him like a rational adult. 

When I got invited into my mommy cult playgroup – I was new to the world of playdates and wasn’t really aware of all of the rules and etiquette.

When it was my first time hosting, I racked my brain to think of the perfect snack that would make the kids like me the best.

It was my friend Martha that said "Good mothers don't feed their kids red and orange dyes......"

I didn’t know! 

I also was thinking that maybe these women (whom I had never met before) could be my new friends.   I had been in the house going crazy – my only communication being with long-distance friends on the phone.

I was kind of picturing this in my kitchen once a week:

I mean how bad could it be? We can talk some shit about other moms and neighbors, dish some celebrity gossip and ignore the kids..... This could be fun!!

So – when I was finished filling baskets with Doritos I got together some “Mommy treats”……

This did not go over well - apparently some people think that 10:30 am is too early for a Skinnygirl Cosmo......what a bunch of losers.

I slowly realized what was proper and acceptable and what wasn’t. 

Kids were given water or breast milk served directly from a huge engorged boob that was whipped out at any given moment with reckless abandon, and a choice of cut up grapes or goldfish crackers. 

Moms were served this:

Instead of running for my life after my first encounter with these idiots – I stuck it out for like 6 months.  I kept trying to talk to them truthfully about how difficult life was or how sometimes I would eat more than just my placenta pills at breakfast even though I was fat. 

They never responded appropriately, the way any of my real friends would.

One time they were all talking about how devastating it would be when the kids (who were all 2 at the time) started preschool. After everyone kept going on and on about how many tears they would shed when they left Brayden, Cayden, Layden and Jaden at the preschool for 2 hours, I interjected.

“Um – really? I intend to peel out of the parking lot at warp speeds and chain smoke Parliament Lights all the way home…….” I said matter-of-factly as I popped a chunk of my placenta into my mouth.

When I looked up this is what I saw…….

Nobody said a word.....Nobody laughed......a cricket chirped....and then I just got my coat and left.

What is happening to this world?

Why can’t we laugh at ourselves?

Why can’t we just feed our kids food and beverages and act normal???

WHY????

ATTENTION NEW MOTHERS!! 

Do not feel inferior to crazy lunatics that think their placenta is better than a Dorito. 

Do your best, feed your child in a calm rational manner.

Oh and one more thing……..Do not join a playgroup.

I ACTUALLY HAVE SINCE QUIT SMOKING – SO I THINK I DESERVE AT LEAST A VOTE ON THE LINK BELOW…..THANK YOU MUCH!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

Linking to

52 responses »

  1. I have 2 bottles of Skinny Girl margaritas in my wine fridge. Come on over, I promise not to eat any placenta while you’re here. (Or ever. Whichever comes most.)

    Reply
  2. I really prefer unfiltered cigarettes, but oh well. And I like Skinnygirl Cosmo to her Skinnygirl Margarita.
    Maybe we need blogger playdates?

    Reply
  3. You would definitely be my kind of “play group” Mom. The last play group I tried to get involved with consisted of a bunch of Moms who talked about the best man to call if I needed lawn care and how nice it was to be able to drop their kids off at Mommy’s Day out while they went and had their nails, hair and toes done right after they had lunch with their friends and got done just in time to go home and make sure the House keeper did everything she was suppose to do before she left. I hope that made sense….Needless to say, I think we moved into a neighborhood of “kept” housewives that basically pawn their Children off on others so they can take care of themselves. Of course they look good and happy all of the time. They’re not sitting at home actually taking care of the kids that prompted them to end their careers and become a housewife. O.k. I’ll stop….I’m rambling!!!!!! Great Post. It made me laugh!!!!!

    Reply
  4. This is hilarious and so true! I loved this post!!!

    Reply
  5. THIS is why I never joined a playgroup – I knew I’d get stuck with some Betty BetterThanYou and right now I’d be in prison for jabbing her eyes out with the corner of a Dorito. Whew, really dodged a bullet there!

    Reply
  6. I’ve never tasted placenta but I imagine it’s nothing like chicken.

    Reply
  7. Man! Where were you when I was trying out play groups?! Love this!

    Reply
  8. Damn I wish you lives somewhere near me. I now have started the drinking{taking a break for 6 months trying to prove a point} ex smoking cussing burping playgroup. We are basically the left overs from the boring group we used to belong to. Hello Friday Happy Hour Play Group. As far as tasting placenta that is just f*ckin gross.

    Reply
  9. LOL! How true!!

    I really enjoyed this post! :D

    Reply
  10. Know that your idea of mom’s {ahem} “refreshments” would go over extremely well with my group of non-mommy playdate friends. I think we have more in common than we know. Yes, yes…I quit smoking too.
    And seriously, this whole eating of the placenta thing…I just don’t get it. My mom didn’t eat her placenta and she just turned 80. And looks damn fine.

    Reply
  11. You had me until the cigarettes. It’s terrible for your child (as a victim of second hand smoke for decades, I know) and for you.
    The rest- I agree with your speechable cartoon.

    Reply
  12. Idea: Let’s go raid some maternity wards and egg these ladies’ houses with placenta. I have been desperately searching for your brand o’ playgroup since my first was born in 2006. Since then, 4 kids and only (shiver) Stepford Moms! Apparently, shoving pie into your face, drinking scotch while the kids play….wait, where are the kids? isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Rock on, lady!

    Reply
  13. I LOVE YOU! Lets form a playgroup together! I have a feeling we’d be two peas in a pod. This post is HILARIOUS! I even posted it to my personal FB. (MAJOR!) ;)

    XO

    Reply
  14. I don’t know if my last comment posted…damnit.

    I was basically idolizing you…anyway, i watched the Alicia Silverstone debacle on t.v. the other night. I vom’d in my mouth…For the record, I didn’t spit that in my kid’s mouth.

    Lets get together for a playdate. ;)

    Reply
  15. That sounds like utter hell. If I ever have kids I am confident I will be kicked out of a playgroup in a matter of seconds.

    Reply
  16. Omg this post was amazeballs. Some mamas are just cray cray… I mean… What kind of cocktail even goes well with placenta? 5 glasses of merlot?

    Reply
  17. kelleysbreakroom

    This cracked me up! The placenta bidness is NAS.TY. Nasty. Weird. If you weren’t kidding about doing it, well, I guess it’s fine if it’s in a pill form. Just don’t salt and pepper that mess. Or deep fry it. Alicia Silverstone is weird. She is my sister’s hero, unfortunately. Loved your post!

    (Thanks for linking this up to #findingthefunny last week!)

    Reply
  18. I was in one of those Stepford Mommy Groups for a minute 12 years ago. They never invited me back…probably due to my unwillingness to gnaw off my baby’s foreskin, masticate it, and feed it back to him for optimal neonatal intelligence boosting. GAH! And for the record, if anyone ever showed up at my house with Doritos and Cosmos I would probably make love to them and then lock them in an abandoned well in my basement so I could keep them forever. I’ve said too much.

    Reply
  19. Placenta dust pellets, man – a must-have recipe!
    This was funny. VERY, very funny.

    Reply
  20. Hahahha and …ick. This placenta eating competition is crazy. I can’t handle it.

    Reply
  21. I had no idea that mompetition had exploded to this level. Dear God! I took one look at my placenta and promptly threw up. I’ll take my rum straight up, please. I’m loading the kids and the car and heading your way immediately. GREAT post!

    Reply
  22. Don’t let their smiling faces fool you. They are smiling because they are thinking about their emergency chocolate stash they will break into when they get home to deal with the stress of the playgroup mompetition. I keep mine in my sock drawer. Don’t tell the kids…

    Reply
  23. You quit smoking? Congratulations!!!!!

    Reply
  24. LOL! The useful and fun playgroup is definitely elusive! I’m the mom that usually brings a package of Oreos to potlucks :P Glares all around…except from the kids and the dads.

    Reply
  25. My friend and I get together for play dates and compare how terrible our two year olds are. Haha!

    Well, only sometimes. Other times, we bitch about our husbands. Heh.

    Reply
  26. We didn’t have playgroups way back in the day. But we did have a Mommy group from church. We put the kids in the room to play and we studied a book called, “You can be the Wife of Happy Husband.” I barely made it out alive. Some time later I became an alcoholic. I don’t drink or smoke any longer. I give you two votes for not smoking and three for coming out alive. LOL

    Reply
  27. Hilarious!!! I certainly hope you high-tailed it outta that group before they warped your sense of reality. Good for you for putting down the cigs! :)

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  28. All funny and good, but the list of trendy children’s names is my favorite part!

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  29. If I was a kid, I would totally go for the food that you served at playgroup. Doritos are way better than goldfish any day.

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  30. BLEH! I’m not a big fan of these placenta-eating and bird-mimicking mothers (read: these weirdo moms annoy the shit out of me… but I’m trying to be nicer these days. FYI, it’s not really working…). Thanks for the heads up, I’ll avoid playgroups and stick with blogging. :)

    Reply
  31. I think it’s hard to find a play group that you really fit into and feel comfortable in. I survived babyhood by being mostly alone. And talking on the phone to far away friends. And drinking cosmos.

    Reply
  32. The word placenta makes me want to throw up in my mouth. I have a girlfriend that saved hers and plans to dig a hole, bury it and plant a tree on top of it. WTF?! Why am I friends with her?!

    Reply
  33. Hahahaha! I gave up on playgroups forever. Not my cup of tea. I did not fit in with those mom’s. If they can’t take a good vagina joke or a well place rant about my mother in law then we just cannot hang out. Ever.

    Reply
  34. Why can’t mothers poke fun at themselves a little, be honest about motherhood? Like you and so many of the great bloggers I know? I just don’t get why we have to go around pretending that everything is all beautiful and glorious all the time, eating placenta pills and judging other mothers. Come on, people…can’t we all just get along and realize that taking time to laugh and have fun in life is one of the things that make life worth living.

    Reply
  35. i actually got kicked out of my playgroup, no joke, for not going to any playdates while my toddler was sick for a month. i mean, really?

    Reply
  36. Oh my God! My 11 year old son wants to know what I am reading that made me laugh out loud. He is soooo NOT reading this! Playgroups can be a Godsend or proof that the universe hates you. I have been in both types. You definitely nailed the pain and suffering variety. Erin

    Reply
  37. Funny. Did you know cheez-its have hydrogenated oil and high-fructose corn syrup in them? I know because I was once told by a mum while feeding them to my daughters at a play group. Congrats on quitting smoking!

    Reply
  38. I love this. I think you may be my new hero. I often feel like I should join a playgroup, but then I play out the scenario in my head and it always ends with a solid shunning.

    Reply
  39. I think we need a giant dose of lighten-up sometimes. It’s hard enough being a mom, why do we torture ourselves! Fun post!

    Reply
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