ALERT: DAD AND MR. GAGA’s FAMILY AND FRIENDS - THIS POST CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL THAT MAY BE OFFENSIVE
I am a reader. I belong to a book club that considers itself filled with intelligent sometimes haughty women who wouldn’t be caught dead reading something like Twilight or a smutty romance novel.
However, we were all intrigued by the latest craze of 50 Shades of Grey. Not our usual choice – we decided to go outside of our comfort zone and try some “mommy porn,” as it’s been dubbed.
The first few nights I read it – I fell asleep from boredom with the book on my chest. By the third night I got to some racy parts – but was so turned off by the cheese factor I couldn’t believe it.
Is this what women in America find entertaining? A woman who says “Oh my!” when she is aroused?? Really??
My best friend, (I’ll call her L) who has literally read 2 books in her entire life, was even feeding into the hype.
“Is it good? Should I read it?” she asked me. She really needs 100 percent confirmation that it’s going to be worth it – if she puts down her US Weekly and reads a book.
“I don’t really think so…it’s kind of boring.” I answered.
“Well like what happens? Tell me a scene that would be exciting.” she implored.
“Hmm, well like last night I read it and she had a dream that she was tied up spread eagle on the bed and the boyfriend whipped her vagina with a riding crop until she had an orgasm.”
“Ummm, that would hurt and I would be pissed.” she answered.
“I know!! I’m telling you!!” I answered laughing.
Are we crazy that we don’t find this exciting?
Are we just too bitchy to find the fun in having a rich man whip us and tie us up? Is it exciting because he’s rich and he buys her clothes and jewelry?
Because let me tell you – I love me some jewels and Louis Vuitton – but I think I would rather eat Ramen Noodles and wear jelly bracelets - than have to call someone “Sir” while he whips my hoo-ha.
The more I read the more I am concerned for America.
I had a hunch we were in trouble when everyone went crazy over Twilight.
Women all across America are locked up in their houses fantasizing about making out with a vampire or getting whipped by some rich dude.
Am I the only person that finds this troubling?
If this is indicative of the general state of our national self-esteem…..we are totally screwed.
I kept reading but haven’t really been too excited by this book – and PS the actual writing is god-awful.
L called a few days after our chat.
There is a neighbor of her’s that she always complains about. The woman lets her children roam free without watching them and her house is always filthy. This woman doesn’t work, so L has always wondered what she does all day.
“So – I saw my neighbor outside while the kids were playing – and that book came up, and I told her how you didn’t really like it….” she said.
“So – she said – “Oh no, I love it! I was reading it the other day – and I had to take out my “Bullet” twice…”
I died laughing.
“Can you believe that her house is fucking filthy – I’m here like feeding her kids – and she’s inside with the blinds closed – jacking off?” she said with horror.
No I can’t believe it.
I have mentioned many times how I don’t seem to find the time to clean and get things done that need to get done. Generally speaking in terms of taking care of business – on my to-do list taking care of my vagina is usually not on the list at all.
I am very sorry – but I just cannot believe that while Japan is conquering the world – here in America we are all lying around in the middle of the day reading trashy novels and masturbating.
No wonder everyone is fat.
So then I went to work and told this story to some of the girls I work with. After I told them about L’s neighbor one of the girl’s stared at me.
“Well – of course – everyone has a “bullet.” I could never live without mine.” she said matter-of-factly.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I yelled in between laughter.
“What – don’t you have one?” she asked dead seriously.
“NO!!!! I have a real live penis that lives with me – and I barely even use that!!! WHO HAS THIS KIND OF TIME????????” I yelled.
“Oh you’re missing out…I better get that book.” she answered matter-of-factly.
I give up.
Does anyone have any good book suggestions for the summer that don’t involve vampires or sadomasochism??
And PLEASE – WOMEN IN AMERICA – CAN THE NEXT BOOK WE OBSESS OVER – MAKE US STRONGER AND SMARTER AS WOMAN???
CAN WE NOT STAY HOME WITH BULLETS PRETENDING THAT IT IS A VAMPIRE’S PENIS??? PLEASE????????? AND IF YOU LIKE THIS POST PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK!! LET’S GET THE WORD OUT!!
XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA