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A Clean Break


When I got laid off ages ago, I had a 9 month old baby and was pregnant with my second child. It seemed that the best option at that time was for me to stay home for a while taking care of my children.

It was during this time, when I was clearly overwhelmed, tired and confused that I fired the cleaning lady to cut costs.  I  figured that I could take care of the housekeeping since I would be home with two babies with nothing else to do but clean.

Little did I know that housecleaning is a full-time job in itself. 

Little did I know that when you are home with kids you have to clean the kitchen alone, 3-5 times a day. 

Little did I know that when you add to that the laundry, going to the grocery store and cooking dinner, and just the necessary picking up of toys so you don’t actually fall and break your leg, the entire day is gone. 

Little did I know that if I could carve out a spare minute in the day I might want to take a nap or a shower and that any frivolous extra cleaning would be too much.

Little did I know I effing hate cleaning and I don’t want to be a housecleaner. 

Come to find out – I want more from life than mopping floors and vacuuming.

So, maybe dusting, scrubbing grout, or cleaning the windows fell by the wayside a bit.  Maybe the kids put fingerprints on the walls and scribbled on the refrigerator and I didn’t get a chance to wipe it off.  Maybe they press their mouths and hands on the front glass door and I don’t think to Windex it afterwards, maybe the spill Cheerios and I know some goes under the couch but I don’t feel like moving furniture……

Before you know it you are living in a shit-hole.

And P.S.  – in the midst of the life of a stay-at-home mom – with the feeding and the nursing and the diapers – I don’t actually give two shits if there’s dust in my dining room or a stray cheerio under my formula-stained couch.

And P.P.S. – I didn’t go to college to sit around and wipe butts and empty the dishwasher – and I actually don’t really feel like cleaning the windows or cleaning the top of the refrigerator. 

Even when I would put my best foot forward – and really try to keep up with the housework – what actually would end up happening is that the mess would never go away. Despite my best efforts – my housecleaning duties and chores NEVER get done completely.

I was complaining about this – years ago – to one of Mr. Gaga’s aunts. 

Mr. Gaga’s aunts and mother typically spend 11 hours a day drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and playing scrabble, so there’s lots of time to chat.

When it's not their turn - they have time to chat and dole out parenting tips.....

“I just feel like I clean one room, then I go to the next room and clean that, and then when I go back to the first room it’s dirty again.  I can’t ever get anything done, my house is perpetually trashed…it’s impossible.”

Aunt Cathy looked at me and said in her raspy voice :

“You know I used to be like you – and I used to drive myself crazy keeping the house clean.  One day I was cleaning the curtains and my sisters called me to see if I would meet them at the park with kids.  I told them that I had planned to clean the curtains and I couldn’t make it. “

They said “Cath – your kids will remember that you took them to the park – they won’t remember how clean your curtains are.”

Aunt Cathy took a deep drag from her cigarette and exhaled a huge cloud of smoke and stared at me….”I never cleaned again.”

And sadly for Mr. Gaga and my kids- after Aunt Cathy told me that story I never cleaned again either. ( Thanks Aunt Cathy – when you explained to me how unimportant cleaning was – that was the best day of my life!!!)

Well – I mean basic cleaning if I can; and I clean my toilets daily because I have two boys that seem to squirt pee everywhere except inside the actual toilet.

So – essential cleaning – but never will I stay in the house on a nice day when I could bring Sam to the park or skip a playdate or a trip to the library.

Cleaning is really not my cup of tea. 

My brother (who happens to have a cleaning lady, and a relative who comes over and has been known to clean the inside of their refrigerator and do their laundry!!!!  and has one magical baby that doesn’t make a mess and is only in the house a few hours a day) – finds my lack of cleaning offensive.

A couple of weeks ago I asked him why he thought he was a better parent than I was.

“Well – I guess because I care more about living in a clean environment than you do…” he said.

“Shut up!! What’s dirty in my environment?” I yelled.

“Well your toilets for one….”

“I CLEAN MY TOILETS LIKE EVERYDAY!!!! You don’t understand my life.”

But it got me thinking….maybe he’s on to something….having other people clean his house and then taking the credit for it and judging other people’s dirty homes.

I have been working a lot lately – I am not really technically a “stay-at-home” mom all the time any more……

I pretty much went back to work …..and I FORGOT TO REHIRE THE CLEANING LADY!!!!!

O.M.G.

What an idiot I am –  I have to find a cleaning lady!! I can totally carve out some money out of my budget for this important service!!

It’s only fair to the kids and Mr. Gaga that they live in a clean home, and fair to me that I not spend every minute of my life scrubbing a toilet.

I was thinking about it on my way home from work yesterday. 

I thought – well I will definitely get a cleaning lady at least every two weeks.  That will only be about $150.00 a month, and well worth it. 

We have no big expenses coming up – Sam is almost done with preschool – HOLLA!!!!! and so it seems like it should be fine to spend money on this…….

But then again – I could hold off for a little while and if I save the $150.00 a month for three months that could go towards a dose of Botox which is badly needed or a pair of really nice shoes…..hhhmmmm…

I could feel my foot sliding into these already.....It's about time I treat myself - I deserve it!!

I was mulling this over as I pulled into the driveway……

I went around back to talk to Mr. Gaga about my great new plan – and to say hi to the kids who are usually playing on their swing set. 

This is the scene I was expecting to see:

The inside of my house may be a bit messy - but my kids and my grass and my sky are definitely this perfect!!!

 But instead I found this……..

I ran inside.

“Ummmm…..what is going on outside??” I demanded of Mr. Gaga.

“Oh – yeah – that…..Well it seems that the wood was rotted and the whole thing snapped while the kids were swinging. So I had to take the whole thing apart.” he calmly answered. “I guess we will have to get a new one.”

“A new one? A good swing set is like $3000!!! ” I whined.

“I know – it sucks.” he replied.

“But I want shoes!!!” I cried.

He rolled his eyes.  “I was just so happy that nobody was hurt, that could have been really bad – the whole upper beam just snapped.” he said shaking his head with worry.

“Yeah, yeah – that’s totally scary……I need new sunglasses too by the way….and shoes…….and a cleaning lady……” I whimpered and threw myself on the couch.

“What if God forbid someone else’s kids were here and they got hurt?” he asked.

“I don’t want someone else’s kids here – I want a cleaning lady, and shoes!!!”  he left the room disinterested in my antics.

I turned to the kids who were watching Spongebob.

“Children – are you upset about the swing set?”

“Yes – but Daddy said you would get us a new one,” said Michael not taking his eyes off of the screen.

“What if you could have a clean house but no swing set?” I asked nonchalantly, “Which would you pick?”

“Swings!” they both answered.

“UUGGGHH” I leaned back on the couch and stared at the ceiling…….and noticed the cobwebs in the corner of the room……

So when do I ever get to have a clean house or a beautiful shoe on my foot??

WHEN AUNT CATHY??? WHEN?????

I know you probably don’t feel bad for me because I don’t have a new $600 pair of Gucci sandals…..but for the love of God did you see that broken swing set????? Please click the banner below to make me feel better ;) XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

26 responses »

  1. OH I’m so sorry you didn’t get your shoes or cleaning lady yet. Isn’t there a fund for this? Can’t we throw a bake sale or something?? OH THE HUMANITY!! (I’m crying right there with you sista, as I laugh reading this.) ;)

    Reply
  2. Lol! I kind of a little don’t feel overwhelmingly bad for you. F*** shoes, jeez ;)

    I do feel for you for trying to keep a job, a family, a home, etc. That IS hard. It doesn’t sound like Mr. Gaga is too concerned. Do get a cleaning lady at some point though, another month. It will make everything nice for exactly 12 hours. And then it will all go to hell again.

    Your brother is getting on my last nerve though ;) Always with the judgment!!

    But yea, like Frugalista, can’t you have the kids sell lemonade to raise money for mom’s shoes or something? I love this post it was hilarious :) xx

    Reply
  3. I would be calling Aunt Kathy everyday for advice. She would figure out how to get your shoes, cleaning lady and probaby a weekly spa day.

    Reply
  4. You know, I bet if you had a cleaning lady she could point out things like that…cause she’s hardcore and knows everything…

    “Oh deary, your swingset is a deathtrap”–Oh, thank God for you Cleaning Lady! You’re worth every penny! Unlike that stupidly expensive death trap outside!!

    “Oh deary, you have a hive of killer bees in your closet” –OMG! You clean AND save LIVES!!

    See, cleaning ladies are for your home AND YOUR wellbeing! Who can argue with that logic?!?

    Reply
  5. Oh God, I hate keeping up with cleaning. And where I live the air is always full of dust, and we keep the windows open cause it’s hot, so I can wipe something and within an hour or less it is dusty again.
    Often I just tidy up and do spot cleaning (like wiping the spots on the floor instead of mopping the whole house). That way the house looks clean, and only I know how much cleaning it really needs.

    Reply
  6. All kidding aside- you describe my life completely. I want a cleaning lady too. My blinds haven’t been dusted, the refrigerator is disgusting, the windows are grimy….

    Reply
  7. I wish I had some help cleaning. I run around like the Tazmanian Devil from room to room and it still looks like hell. I’m continually throwing out comments about how filthy the place is so now every time my husband walks by he instinctively says, “What a craphole.” Of course he doesn’t see the dirt and could care less that the toilet smells like a Wizard of Ooze. Swing sets are over-rated. Hold your ground on the shoes and cleaning lady…or at least the shoes. If you have to clean, do it in Gucci pumps.

    Reply
    • hmmm, maybe you’re right….stay tuned for blog posts about how kids come over for playmates and say things like” I’m bored, this place sucks…..”
      I know that’s coming….

      Reply
  8. Come on go get the Gucci sandals they are calling your name. Sometimes you just have to say wtf…..

    Reply
  9. LOL no, the life of a mom is not glamorous. I don’t know if I could ever justify the cleaning lady but I hear you on toilets; I clean them ALL the time and yet, I swear the one the kids use still smells like pee.

    Reply
  10. The never ending cycle of clean, use, clean, use…I hate it. If things would just stay clean for even a little while, but no, the boys have to use them, hubby has to use them, I ahve to use them, ugh. It just goes on and on.
    I’d love a cleaning lady, but hubby says why pay for something we (menaing me) can do ourselves?

    Reply
  11. Oh how I feel your pain! My house is a disaster right now – I’d be too embarrassed to have a cleaning lady come and clean because I’d have to clean it before she saw it. And we have a almost broken swing set like that one – Princess Nagger keeps trying to talk us into buying a new one, but we’re hoping to move next summer and it would suck to spend all that money on a new swing set and not be able to move it with us. :)

    I think we should start a cleaning lady shoe fund – or start a revolt. :)

    Warrior Cats Easter, Monsuno Obsession, Honeymoon Wine, Fairy Hobmother

    Reply
  12. Girl, I don’t work (anymore), I only have 1 child and I still pay $180 for a cleaning company every two weeks. I HATE cleaning! I don’t have a college degree to stay home and clean. Emma and I will fill our days playing outside or watching movies or playing with blocks but the deep cleaning isn’t for me. I do the dishes and laundry and an occasional vacuum but that’s about it for me. My in-laws think I’m horrible but I don’t care. It’s the best money that we spend every month!

    Thanks for linking up funny lady!!! =)

    Reply
  13. Clarification: $180 a month–not every 2 weeks. I’m not totally crazy!

    Reply
  14. Ditch the cleaning lady and get the shoes! So true. I struggle with firing the cleaning person every day as i can fake-clean as well as she does. Maybe we can start our toddlers with the cleaning game – it can be fun to scrub toilets together! Get the shoes, do something for yourself! We have given up our own needs and desires for those of our kids and we need to fulfill our own ones sometimes – visit me at my blog: http://www.roboticparenting.blogspot.com for more on how to get back to the real people that we are, shoes and all!

    Reply
  15. I miss my cleaning lady so much it hurt literally! It’s freaking painful cleaning this house! I want her back but sadly the pool service, lawn service and weekly dinners out take precedence! When business was good I had a service twice a week, yes TWICE A WEEK! I want business to be good again….please!

    Thans for linking up and happy swing set shopping!

    Reply
  16. Know that this is the second time I read this post. As always. :)
    I feel the exact same way…there are times when I am cleaning and I wonder…why did I stay home again?
    Please send a cleaning lady asap. We can share her.

    Reply
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