I overheard a conversation the other day between a mother and a pregnant woman. The pregnant woman was talking about her birthing plan and how she intended to have a natural childbirth.
“I don’t need an epidural….I can handle pain.”
It would be highly inappropriate to get up from my park bench, throw my coffee to the ground and slap a pregnant woman across the face…..so….thanks God I have this here little blog.
I don’t really care if people choose to live a natural life, although I don’t understand why people want to be in pain for no apparent reason. I don’t understand why women today want everyone to think they are like the “Incredible Hulk.”
What I find most troubling is when people feel compelled to shout from the rooftops their misguided plans for childbirth and motherhood.
What I would like to say to her and to all woman who have NOT GIVEN BIRTH YET and make IDIOTIC ANNOUNCEMENTS about topics they KNOW NOTHING ABOUT……is this:
Do you know that when you say something like “I can handle pain” how absurd you sound to all humans with ears; let alone those of us who have actually pushed children out of our bodies vaginally?
First of all, unless someone has ever stuck something that is sharp and on fire into your birth canal…..let’s not make any definitive statements about your pain threshold.
I suppose you believe that you will be the one woman in the history of mankind who will not think it hurts. You are going to be the one human being since the Earth was created that is going to say…”Eh…it wasn’t so bad.”
Second of all, when you say phrases like “I can handle,” and “I am not going to,” there are a couple of things that are happening as a result.
#1 – You are making definitive statements in public which you might regret someday when you are actually a mother. Why not say things like “I would like to ….” or “I hope to…”
Then when you are completely 100 percent wrong, you won’t feel like such an ass-hat and you might not have to go spiraling into a deep depression.
#2 – You are implying that your friend and quite frankly all woman who have given birth before you and have chosen pain management of some kind are weak, stupid individuals who have a low tolerance for pain.
Let’s face it, by the sound of your condescending tone….I am going to go out on a limb and say that you think that we really can’t make any proper decisions at all as mothers, and this is our first bad choice.
This is why women cannot get along.
There are too many of your kind; women who (by the way actually know nothing about motherhood) make vastly inaccurate and improper judgements based on something you saw on the internet or something you saw in a flier from a midwife.
I know that you think you have all of the answers to being the perfect mother because you totally have been taking a prenatal vitamin once a day and have not eaten any tunafish sandwiches for life 6 months, but you don’t.
#3 – You are setting yourself up for a major disaster. It is people like yourself that think you are going to have the perfect childbirth with no pain, just joy and bliss, that are the most let down when things don’t go according to plan.
What if when you are rolling around on your birthing ball, dying of the pain, you decide that you’re actually not Lou Ferrigno?
What if you change your mind and actually request an epidural (which happens ALL THE TIME TO YOU KNOW-IT-ALL HIPPIES)
What if you actually realize that sometimes when someone takes a butcher knife and slices you open to let a human being out of your uterus, that it actually fucking hurts like a motherfucker…..then what?
Will you consider yourself a failure? Probably.
Will you tell us that you failed?
You will probably tell us that the birthing process was amazing…. that you and your hubby are so blessed!!
And so begins the spiral of deception that so many mothers find themselves in. You will pretend to everyone that life is great, that motherhood is wonderful and amazing.
That you aren’t tired, that childbirth doesn’t hurt, that Bella and Brayden sleep through the night and never have a tantrum, and eat asparagus, and go on the potty, and can speak Japanese when they are 2, and can read when they are 3, etc. etc……..it’s endless the lies that you will tell us and yourself…..
For what purpose?
And by the way – nobody cares about any of it – but especially how you handle pain during what is essentially a medical procedure.
Maybe I should start just walking around telling people about how I manage my pain.
“Yesterday I had a migraine and I didn’t take anything to make myself feel better!!!””
“I had to get stitches the other day and I didn’t let the nurse use any numbing cream!”
“I had a cavity filled the other day and I refused Novocaine!!”
“I’m awesome!! “
“Pain is awesome!!”
I am pretty sure people would tell me I am a stupid asshole.
Also – what possible difference does this make in the scheme of things?
I know plenty of mothers that make announcements about how they didn’t have an epidural, or they make their own baby food, or they only use organic laundry detergent…then they drop that baby like a hot potato to go to work, the gym, and “Moms Night Out.”
The baby doesn’t give two shits about your epidural lady…I hate to break it to you.
What matters is that you do your best as a parent. There are a lot of rough days ahead, days that you will doubt yourself, doubt your decisions, doubt your abilities as a mother.
There are days that you might cry not once, not twice…….too many times to count.
Oh and by the way – even though you think you know everything – you actually might not even know why you are crying.
Things actually can get that bad.
But on those days when you are covered in vomit, and changing your 10th diaper of the day, and you are so tired you can’t even speak, and you haven’t had a shower in days, and you want to murder your husband, and your boobs hurt, maybe you will find comfort in thinking back on that glorious day when you pushed a baby out of your vagina and felt every ounce of pain.
PLEASE SHARE THIS ON FACEBOOK IF YOU ENJOYED THIS WEEK’S POST!! I THINK IT WOULD BE SO NICE TO LET WOMEN WHO ARE EXPECTING IN ON WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT…..I PERSONALLY THINK THAT TORCH PICTURE SAYS IT ALL !!!!
XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA