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Making my bed and sleeping in it….


This past week I finished a project that had me coming home Wednesday night from NYC at 1:30 am.  I turned off my son’s alarm in hopes we could all sleep in, miss the bus, and I could bring him to school late. (How much really gets done in the first 2 hours of first grade anyways?)

So – of course – Sam came into my room at 6:30 am.

“Mom.” 

If I play dead maybe he will leave. 

“Mom!!” he said louder.

“Hhmmp.” I grumbled.

“Mom – I can see your butt crack and your underwear.”

Somebody make him stop talking!!!

“Mom, do you know there’s something you can buy that goes on under your shirt…..it covers your butt and your belly.”

“Hmmm, Hmmm.” I answered.

“and even if you reach high up for something on a high shelf…..your belly and butt still don’t show…….you should buy it.”

So while I was gone – he has seen extensive infomercials…….I’m up.  Today is going to be horrible.

You know your muffin-top is out of control when your 4-year-old tells you to buy a “trendy-top wrap.” Note the photo to the far-left where the woman is “reaching for something on a high shelf.”

So that day was rough.  I was so tired I felt sick.  The feeling was very familiar – like a feeling I had long ago in a past life…..

When did I feel this bad before??

Oh right, it was the time I spent 4 years straight either pregnant and/or breastfeeding a newborn.  That was the kind of tired that nobody can explain to you.  It was just sleep deprivation to the core of your soul that takes years to recover from.  That period of time did irreparable damage to my body and soul.

What I learned this week is that I’m too old for this shit.

I think that little 4-year stint really did a number on me – and now I NEED SLEEP.

When I was done breastfeeding my second child, close to 5 years ago!!!  I told Mr. Gaga I would never wake up in the night again.  I explained to him that I had done my duties and now I needed to sleep.  He kind of agreed or ignored me or something – but what he didn’t realize (I didn’t realize it either to be honest) is that at that moment – something in my brain and my eardrums clicked off. 

I never woke up in the night again.

I cannot be woken up.

It’s a problem.

A few months into this new development, I remember coming downstairs to see a glaring Mr. Gaga.

“Aren’t mothers supposed to have some sort of maternal instincts that make them want to help their kids?” he asked with disgust.

“Um yeah – why?” I asked with trepidation.

“Well last night Sam called for you like 30 times, and you never came.  Then he gave up and started calling for Dora to save him….don’t you think that’s a problem?”

“What? I had no idea!! I didn’t hear him!!” I protested.

That was like 4 years ago – and things have not gotten better.

When we have stayed at my parents’ house overnight I share a room with Sam (who has night terrors and screams bloody murder every night.)  Needless to say I sleep right through all of his shenanigans.  

My father who is in his 60′s, exhausted, and sleeps on another floor of the house with his door shut – will come running in from his room in the middle of the night.

“LADY!! LADY!!” he will yell at me to wake up.

“What???”

“Sam has been screaming and crying for like 15 minutes!!! Don’t you hear him??”

I think we all know the answer to that question.

The icing on the cake was when we went away last year with my brother and his wife and daughter.  One of the nights we didn’t have enough room; so Mr. Gaga and I slept on the couches in the living room and the kids slept on an air-mattress right in front of the couch.

Like an inch away.

So the next morning, I heard rustling in the kitchen.  I hopped up, stretched and made my way to the coffee.  The kids were eating with my brother and his family.

My brother looked at me with disgust when I sat down at the table.

“What?” I asked.

“You are a horrible mother.” he said with disdain.

I am used to these kind of negative remarks from him, so I wasn’t too fazed.

“Why now?” I asked with boredom perusing the morning paper.

“Well – when Sam screamed at the top of his lungs for 20 minutes right next to your face and you didn’t wake up – I decided to come out and help him.”

“Oh thanks.” I said.

“Yeah – great – except that when I  leaned down to tuck him into his blankets, I realized that your tank top was askew and your entire boob was out.”

I choked on my coffee and spit it out with laughter.

“Oh, sorry about that.”

Let’s face it – nobody wants to wake up for someone else’s kid in the first place – and on top of that – nobody wants to see their sister’s boob.

To add insult to injury it’s not like my boobs are like Pamela Anderson’s!  As I have mentioned before – my children have deformed my body from top to bottom – but my boobs have taken the greatest hit.

I am pretty sure this is what my brother saw – except I have a lighter skin-tone and I wasn’t holding that stick…..Also – my wife beater was from the Old Navy, not her fancy cow one….

Alas, this whole motherhood situation is exhausting, and apparently I cannot survive without a solid night’s sleep anymore.  It will take me three weeks to recover from that week in New York.

I keep realizing new ways in which I am old…….and tired.

Will we ever not be tired again? Or is this the end of the road?

Will we wake up at 50 and like Oprah say “I feel great – I’ve never felt better!”?

I have a sneaking suspicion….that only happens to Oprah.

I know you probably don’t want to vote for someone who flashes her brother and ignores her children’s cries for help – but I am helping everyone around me to develop strong coping mechanisms!!!  Please click the banner below!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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57 responses »

  1. Can I just say that my daughter and I have been looking for trendy tops! I want one!
    What are you going to do if there’s a fire and the smoke detector is going off?!

    Reply
  2. Your boobs look fine to me. And having the ability to balance a large pot of river water on your head for the 4 mile journey back and forth from your village should be sufficient sacrifice to justify a few hours of sleep per night, at a minimum. Just my opinion.

    Reply
  3. Why is everyone so mean to you????!!!! You probably work your butt off and you’re a deep sleeper. Jeez. I would give dirty looks to these men of yours, the stink-eye for sure.

    Also? OMG I have the worst muffin top. WORST. I need that top thing for sure.

    Listen every Thursday I am going to have a link-up for people working on mental/physical/emotional/professional/family life spring -cleaning, getting fit thing. If you ever want to link up please do!! It’s about our struggles and our successes, just to encourage ourselves to do better things.

    And hey you’re in your bed sleeping – the girls are allowed to pop out in your sleep for chrrissakes!! haha. Love this post!

    Reply
  4. Love you and your posts! I can relate to EVERYTHING you write! Too funny!

    Reply
  5. Hysterical. I can just picture your brother showing his disdain for your antics! This may have provided the most LOL’s so far…

    Reply
  6. Those tops (or NOT tops) crack me up!! My kids always laugh at the commercials. Another funny post! Good job!

    Reply
  7. Haha- your post is so incredibly entertaining! Yes- I was just thinking to myself (have 3 little ones that are becoming ‘somewhat’ independent (I use that term loosely!) When will I get to sleep again???

    Reply
  8. Hilarious! I still wake up at the slightest noise, and it freakin’ pisses me off! I think mine is a life sentence! Thanks for the laughs!
    Kim
    My Twintastic Life

    Reply
  9. O how I wish I could sleep like that. My darling husband does! Me, not so much, the dogs move in the lounge & I hear it = if anyone needs anything I have to get up. Come morning Himself can’t understand why on earth I could be tired.

    Reply
  10. I’m cracking up at your brother saying he saw your boob. Ha! That is embarrassing! Glad you see the humor, because it IS funny. Also, I didn’t know about “the top that’s not”. Hmmm… Interesting! (Thanks for linking up with us at “Finding the Funny”!)

    Reply
  11. I cannot believe that someone out there was brilliant enough to market a piece of fabric and with an awesome name he/she is probably raking in the bucks. God I wish I had thought about it.

    Reply
  12. Pingback: Waiting for the other shoe to drop…. « Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  13. LOL!! I wish nothing would wake me up at night too, unfortunately my husband seems to suffer from this syndrome although I have a sneaking suspicion that he is playing dead as well.

    Reply
  14. Oh: BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! This was hilarious. I cannot believe your son woke you wanting to encourage you to buy that butt-crack cover up. I’m worried now my kids will see it and get me one for mother’s day.

    Reply
  15. i am jealous of you being able to sleep through everything. i wake up at the slightest noise and am chronically sleep deprived. i am not jealous of boob flashing your brother though.

    Reply
  16. Laughing so hard at the errant boob. I wish I could sleep through noises. Any noise, really. I’m the lightest sleeper ever. Although lately if the kid wakes up during the night I fake sleep so my husband will have to get up. He knows I’m faking, huh? Damn.

    Reply
  17. Hahahaha, I love this!!!! And you are a trooper! I don’t think I could handle the hurtful comments from my hubs or brother. You are an awesome mom; you just need sleep! After a similar post baby body transformation, I totally get it. Awesome post.

    Reply
  18. I sleep through everything and am not ashamed to admit it. I did get a little concerned last week when I slept thru our carbon monoxide detector going off. Luckily the hubs saved me so no worries. I still sleep peacefully. He can handle the night shift.

    Reply
  19. I love how you managed to assault your brother twice while you were sleeping. From a woman with two brothers – you are my hero.

    Reply
  20. Ha ha I developed a different coping mechanism. I tune out completely. I hear nothing.

    Reply
  21. I laughed outloud when I read the “calling for Dora to save him”. :) Girl, you need to come to my house and teach me how to sleep. If a mouse farts six houses down, I pop out of bed like the house is on fire. And, I need one of those muffin top thingies.

    Reply
  22. I always read your blog first. I love it. You always make me smile. I would loved it you had been my mother. LOL

    Reply
  23. Haha! I just pretend not to hear my kids so Husband will get up and deal with them. I’ve been getting up for 11 years. ELEVEN YEARS. It’s my turn to sleep thru the night. MY TURN! Obviously I feel strongly about this.

    Reply
  24. Hahahaha I don’t have children, but I understand the dead sleep thing. I used to be a light sleeper. Then I started working at 5 am. With a boyfriend who doesn’t come to bed until after midnight. I don’t hear him. At all. It is wonderful.

    Reply
  25. Hahhaha I feel like I’d be a sleeper, too.

    Reply
  26. My wife hears when my kids pass gas silently rooms away. She would absolutely love to be able to sleep through it. In the end, she still doesn’t sleep well even when the kids don’t call out. Your son will outgrow the need to cry out and you will sleep well.

    WG
    http://itsmynd.com

    Reply
  27. You made me laugh. Thanks! OK my theory is that if your kid actually needed you, you would wake up. I think your momma instinct is so strong that you filter out all of the fluff requests we all get during the night (this blanket doesn’t smell like my blanket from home, my shoulder is all scratchy, etc.). I bet if Sam has a real medical emergency, you wake up in a heartbeat.

    Reply
  28. My first time here, and I will be returning from now on! Where do I begin? My bladder wakes me up five times a night. So I’d be the perfect fit in your household! Wouldn’t you know it, my son sleeps through the night like a champ, always did (except those first six months when I ignored his cries at night so he’d learn how to sleep through the night, it worked). And wouldn’t you know it, my husband doesn’t snore. IT’S MY FREAKING BLADDER! (I’ll save that for another post some day! I’ll call it “The Night time Bladder Blues.” Now aren’t you glad I shared back! LOL.)

    Reply
  29. When my kids were small, I used to sleep so heavily that we had to put a gate across their bedroom door for their own safety. That and because it was really hard to clean up a full dozen eggs smashed on the floor.

    Reply
  30. This was hilarious! I sleep through my kids waking up now too, after years of being sleep deprived. My husband can deal with them whining about their stuffed animal falling on the floor. I am tired, dammit. So Dora didn’t come save him? God, she’s useless.

    Reply
  31. Your poor brother’s eyes!! Haha!! Sometimes I wish I could sleep through anything. Since my son was born, him rolling over wakes me up. But I’m not sure your end of the spectrum is a better alternative!!

    Reply
  32. Ha, I totally think your brother deserved a little eyeful! Failure to sympathize with a motherhood gets no sympathy from me. And wow, do I hope the same thing happens to me because I can’t sleep at all anymore…

    Reply
  33. My brother found my pink thong once and that nearly sent him to therapy, so I think this would have damn near killed him. The pic was my favorite part by far. Erin

    Reply
  34. You are too funny!
    And oh gosh, your description of mom-exhaustion was perfect. As the Mom of a 6 year old, a 2 year old, and a 6 month old boy, I can completely relate.

    Reply
  35. This was so funny! I love that he called for Dora because my daughter screams “Ayudame!” (don’t check my spelling) when I refuse to get up.

    I need to learn how to sleep through…

    Reply
  36. Two posts this week in yeah write featured brothers seeing their sister’s boobs…is it a full moon?

    Anyway, loved this post. Hilarious. I’m also a very heavy sleeper. It takes A LOT to wake me up. And I like it that way :)

    Reply
  37. That photo is the most beautiful woman I have seen in a long time. Amazing look on her face. Gorgeous. I feel more powerful having read this post! Thank you.

    Reply
  38. HA!! My husband pointed out that very same infomercial to me just this week! You’d think of all people, he would actually want to see my coin slot. Geez.

    Reply
  39. I don’t have this “problem” all the time … but I have nights where nothing will wake me … and then I have nights where I wish nothing would wake me lol … very funny! :)

    Reply
  40. Your brother and I need to go out for a beer and commiserate about seeing our sister’s boobs.

    You’re right, it is a small world.

    And the Dora thing is totally awesome.

    Reply
  41. Umm… Oprah does not have kids. OF COURSE she feels great! And I love, love the caption on the photo. Still cracking up!

    Reply
  42. As always, you have me in stitches. And I almost wet my pants when I saw that one of your tags is “trendy top”. I can just see you searcing your posts for “trendy top” one day and coming up with that picture of the national geographic lady’s cowpelt tank.

    Reply
  43. I have to admit that I would probably bleach my eyes if I saw my sister’s boobs. Ok, that is an exaggeration, but… ;)

    Reply
  44. I guess this is why we shouldn’t sleep naked after having kids…this is so brilliantly funny! What a hilarious writer you are!!!!!

    Reply
  45. Pingback: Who let the dogs out? « Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  46. Pingback: What I Learned 2012 « Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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