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Facebook Status Updates – Mom of the Year Edition


You know who I am talking about.

Those mothers who give us the blow-by-blow of how awesome their kids are, how awesome their “hubby” is, and how amazing and “blessed” their life is.

There's absolutely nobody in the entire world that has a better life than me!! I am the best and happiest mother!! My children are the smartest and happiest children!!! Your lives all suck compared to mine!!!!!!

It is bad enough when I encounter this type of person in the grocery store or at the preschool drop-off, but now since the invention of Facebook – I have the pleasure of consistently getting inappropriate status updates that nobody cares about.

“Alvin and the Chipmunks and Friendly’s!!!!! Great day for the Smith’s!!!! We are so blessed!!!”

“Date night with my hubby!!! Going to be sooo sad to leave my babies:(   But I am so blessed to have a wonderful hubby!!!”

“Johnny is going into a big boy bed  – We are so blessed to have a such an independent little sleeper!!!!”

“Ella did pee pee on the potty!! We are so blessed to have an 8- month-old with such great bladder control!!”

“Junior got a star on his kindergarten homework!!! We are so blessed to have a 5-year-old genius in our family!”

OK people – we get it.

YOU ARE BLESSED!!!

TAKE ALL OF YOUR BLESSINGS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS!!!

And before you get all “You are just mad and bitter …We love Beyonce” on me….I consider myself blessed as well.

I actually have some great days and great experiences in my life.  I love my kids and my husband….But guess what?

I don’t feel compelled to tell everyone that I am blessed everyday!!

I don’t call my husband – my “hubby” in public forums!!

I actually think what these people are blessed with, is an abundance of TIME!!! with essentially nothing to do but think about ways to trick us into thinking their life is better than ours – how amazing their life is.

I know everyone is entitled to update their status as they see fit – but you know how I feel about people with too much time on their hands……

Now this latest one I couldn’t let go (from a mother in town) – it really takes the cake….

“So happy and grateful to be homeschooling! So wonderful to see amazing accomplishments each day”

Ok – so…

A – You want us to know that you are the best mother in the world because you are homeschooling.

B – You want us to know that not only are you homeschooling your children  – but that you are super awesome at it – and that everyone is passing with flying colors.

C – You want us to know that you don’t care if we all think you are an asshole – because you are “happy and grateful.”

And then a month later – this from the same mother:

“My little bubby is not feeling well. :(
No school today. Praying he feels better soon and doesn’t spread to anyone else!”

Ok – first of all – you already told us you “home school” – so what you should say is “no kitchen today”!!!

And secondly – exactly why can’t he go to couch in his pajamas school?

Is he that sick?  He can’t just shuffle down the hallway to the kitchen table?

And really??  I will save you the suspense.

He’s not going to spread it to anyone else.  I think everyone is pretty safe – since he doesn’t interact with other children outside of his home.

Is this a joke?  Or are you just trying to rub it in that we are all idiots that send our kids to big buildings filled with swine flu and lice?

Also – are you really praying for him to get better soon and that nobody else got it?

That’s just fucking dumb.

I am no expert in the Jesus department – but I am pretty sure he’s busy trying to find food for people in Africa and watching the football games when Tim Tebow is playing.  He doesn’t have time to make sure that your son’s germs aren’t on the door handle at Target.

Well I guess it must be nice at least to have a day off from teaching!  Did you email yourself a note excusing “Bubby” from the day’s activities?

Oh and by the way I know that you are a new teacher but I consulted with a couple of my teacher friends (that actually went to college for 4 years and then for several more years getting a Masters Degree in order to get a job as a teacher) - and they told me it is actually highly inappropriate to call your students “Bubby.”

You should be careful with stuff like that!!

You could get fired!

Even though you are surely a highly qualified elementary education teacher, you should be careful to abide by certain guidelines ….unless you are tenured ….then you are totally safe.

I guess you will get feedback on how you are doing when you have a parent/teacher conference, or when you do professional development with qualified staff that have their administrative degree in education.

Oh wait – you don’t do that…..so I guess it would be more like a mom/mom conference…..

This could go on for hours!!! You will never get home in time to make dinner.....ooops I forgot - you are in your kitchen already!! Thank God!!

I know I am going to get some home school experts that are going to be so mad at me this week – because I am making fun of home schools and Jesus.  But I just have one more question – what if Bubby needs recommendation letters for college?

As I said – I know that everyone is allowed to update their Facebook page with annoying information about their lives.

I also know that America’s schools are far from perfect.

But is this the answer??

I hope not.

 

Even though I occasionally throw Jesus under the bus – if you wouldn’t mind clicking the banner below I would so greatly appreciate it!!! XOXOX LADY GOO GOO GAGA

44 responses »

  1. I have a confession. My wife, who is funny and engaging and creative “in rela life” , acts this way on the innertwitterwebz. She uses exclamation points and uses the word blessed sometimes. I make fun of her, hard. She doesn’t understand my twitter addiction and my heavy sarcasm to people i don’t really know. I recently got back on the facebook and she tells me I’m too wild or negative for the facebook.

    I think sucking at the internet is a double edged sword. For people like you and I, who are awesome at the webz, it shows our creativity. I think facebook statuses say more about expression than well, status.

    taht all being said…this is a hilarious post. Sorry for the novel, but i missed your place.

    Reply
    • Thanks Lance! Lol, thanks for putting me in the same category as you “awesome at webz!”
      I don’t mean to say I am an expert Facebook updater… but come on……
      And I forgive your wife…;)

      Reply
  2. OH MY GOODNESS! I’m dying!! You are too funny girl. I will admit, sometimes I do speak of my blessings. But only because I want people to know I’m not entirely the mommy dearest I sometimes appear to be. So instead of always posting, ‘who are these fucking kids?’, I like to post every now and then, ‘oh yay, Jr. didn’t set the garage on fire this time doing his science project. I’m so blessed.’
    But I also call my husband ‘hubby’ sometimes too. It’s when I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy from the gin. Plus he’s getting tired of me referring to him as ‘ass hat’.

    Hail Lady GGG!

    Reply
  3. Love it. I feel the same way about those people. Thank God for individualized settings. I block them from my Wall so I don’t have to see it anymore. They are as bad as the people who upload a picture of their supper every night.

    “Your dinner was great?”
    “Why should I believe you?”
    “Oh! You have a picture.”
    “Well, alright then.”

    Reply
  4. I love this “He doesn’t have time to make sure that your son’s germs aren’t on the door handle at Target.”

    People are so self-absorbed.

    Yes I think its problematic that the child never gets to have a real teacher, and yes I said real teacher. A trained, educated, experienced, person who’s mission in life with all the force of structured educational resources behind them, is to teach this child, not make the child love them. Squeezing a baby out of your jay jay doesn’t qualify you to be a teacher. It’s sad to deprive children of this double-benefit.

    It’s actually kind of insane the way some of these parents talk about homeschooling. If they don’t want people to see it as a cult, they should be able to have reasonable conversations about, and shouldn’t be so unquestionably enthusiastic without reservations. I know not all homeschooling parents are like this. But the most vocal status updaters are. I wish they could see the benefit in having a teacher, a resource, a mentor, a guiding figure, an educator, who doesn’t also spank you, bathe you, buy your underwear, and control your Xmas gift list.

    Reply
  5. I know someone who publishes photo’s of their kid on FB, every single bloody day!!! This must be the most photographed kid in the world, and no she’s not the kid of anyone famous … just a run of the mill ‘normal’ kid. Although, according to her mother she is the most wonderful, beautiful, photogenic kid to have ever lived.

    Reply
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  7. “Couch in his pajamas school.” Hysterical.

    Reply
  8. Please don’t hate me, I use the word ‘hubby’! ;)

    Reply
  9. My FB addiction started as a way to update my parents on their only grandkids after we moved from one US coast to another. While I used words like blessed and hubby (I live in a VERY conservative Christian town now, much to my surprise, where everyone is “perfect” *gag* *stepford hell*), I also try to keep it real. My kids and I (and the hubster too) can do totally asshole sh*t….so I write about that as well. Even though I am guilty of many a FB crime, I myself can’t stand the ones who are perpetually happy, who’s husbands are perfect (let’s face it, none of them actually ARE), and who’s lives are all sparkly where no one has tantrums, burns down something they’re not supposed to, or cr*ps their pants in the middle of the local ice cream parlor.

    Reply
  10. Found out I am having a boy today and my ovarian cyst is gone! I am so blessed and my hubby rocks!

    LOL :)

    {Must admit that your post made me laugh, since not only am I guilty of this on FB but lots of my FB friends are too!}

    Visiting tonight from the Monday Mingle blog hop. I hope you have a blessed week! :)

    Reply
  11. I have found, that the same “I saw a squirrel today I’m so BLESSED!” people are the same “I need prayers for something that I can’t tell you about but pray for me and give me pitty points cause I’m crying for attention” people. How can I pray for you if I don’t know what I’m praying for?? What if you’re a puppy killer or something and you’re praying for your next adorable fuzzy victim? Should I pray for that? Gah. You can’t be blessed and have to have everyone and their brother pray for you everytime you get a papercut too…

    Reply
  12. I unfriended a unicorn mom who religiously posted adorable snack recipes her beautiful kids “simply adored” I say religiously because she has told me she “bakes with faith”. I’m all for Jesus AND pie, but shut up already! I have a feeling my “Fed toddler three pounds of cheetohs… orange booty pyrotechnics occurred” status updates probably made her cry a little.

    Reply
  13. Thanks for following! I LOVE your blog…I’m still laughing!

    Reply
  14. I just found your blog today, and when I discovered your stance on both FB and Jesus, I immediately became your newest follower.

    Confession 1: Although I do occasionally bust out a “hubby,” it is usually because I am, if nothing else, incredibly lazy, and hubby is easier to type.

    Confession 2: As far as FB is concerned – brace yourself – I am that one person you’ve heard about in legends, THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH who isn’t on FB. Because I don’t give a rat’s ass what anybody had for dinner, or that Junior won honorable mention in the Tri-State Regional Spelling Bee, or that you feel belssed because Clairol re-released your signature hair color. I’ve said it before – if your status is something mundane like, “I’m standing in line at the grocery store LOL,” then I don’t care, and if it’s something really important like, “Guess what, the baby’s head is crowning, LOL,” then for God’s sake tell me about it later and get the #@$& off FB for crying out loud.

    Confession 3: I do see the irony in those opinions, as the author of a mommy blog where I’m constantly informing the public about my Juniors and what I had for dinner. I never said I wasn’t a hypocrite.

    Reply
  15. This is the best thing I’ve read in a very long time!!!! LOVE IT, and thank you!
    I did a similar post a while back and it created quite the stink.. I guess a few of my readers are the “blessed” ones that feel the need to share with the world..
    Cant wait to read more!

    Reply
  16. I cannot STAND the word “hubby”!! In general, I don’t shorten any word. I hate “veggies”, “fridge” and “kiddos”. Cannot stand the word “bubby”, either. I’ve got issues!

    Reply
  17. FB annoys me.

    The worst is my stepsister, though. She’s big on the “we’re so blessed” statuses. Bragging left and right about things… it REALLY makes me want to comment and say ‘Oh, what about…” (insert reality here).

    Reply
  18. Okay first time reading your blog and this was freakin’ hilarious…sharing so many of these same sentiments with you! :)

    Reply
  19. Hysterical! More please!

    Reply
  20. OH F8ck you are funny I have been guilty of using the “hubby” term *hanging head down in shame* But that is to describe what he has not done not that he is amazing all the times because let’s get real they are not. I was just bitching about this the other day to my crew. There are a handful of peeps on FB that drive me friggin insane with the bragging. Great post

    Reply
  21. Oh man, do I ever have a lot to say about FB status’ but I won’t say it (all;) here. Except that I really feel that when someone is constantly seeking affirmation about what a perfect, pleasant, and blessed life they lead, there is something amiss. If a person is truly, deeply content or happy then yes of course, share it in a genuine manner but not with the sole aim of trying to convince yourself or impress others.

    Reply
  22. Funny stuff Lady Goo Goo Gaga! Love it!

    Reply
  23. This post is hilarious. I laughed out loud and I don’t usually do that when reading blog posts!

    Reply
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  26. That is hysterical! By the way, it does NOT get better as your kids get older…just the other day I saw that my daughter’s friend who is in COLLEGE, “liked” her MOM’S post:
    “Suzy made the Dean’s List, again.” Ugh.

    Reply
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  33. Just popping by via Mama Kat. I have to say, this is the best blog post I’ve read in a while, and it’s good to know there are people in this world who loathe “blessed” FB statuses as much as I do. Those statuses make my hands itch to slap. The more exclamation marks, the itchier my hand gets. Also, I have a few issues with bragging homeschooling mothers and confess I don’t understand the appeal – not one iota.

    Reply
  34. If you take people sharing their feelings of being blessed as personal criticism of you, it will drive you nuts. No doubt some of those people are nuts. Many others find the “social” part of social networking a great way to give (and receive) positive affirmations, which really are a great way to feel good. kinda like venting on a blog can make you feel good. Live and let live.

    Reply
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