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Monthly Archives: February 2012

Shit happens…..


So last week I was preparing to leave for a very important work-related project.  I had to figure out all of the child-care for 4 days and 4 nights.  I also had to scramble about gathering necessary information and supplies for work.   I also had to deal with my older son being diagnosed with strep throat in the midst of this.  I also had to deal with Mr. Gaga getting prepared for his “procedure,” which would take place the morning after I was set to leave.

I figured out the childcare with help from my in-laws – who came from NY and babysat and took the kids for a few days.  This was a HUGE relief and help, and I really should give them a shout-out.  I haven’t mentioned them much but apparently just enough to leave a distinct impression. When I told a friend my childcare plan – she said – “Well that will be good – just pack them each one pair of khakis and they can just wear them for 4 days.”

Anyways – so that was one problem solved.  Then there was poor Mr. Gaga.  Because of the fact that he  failed his first colonoscopy that (my Dad brought him to over the summer because I was “busy”)  – he was due for another procedure.  I kept reminding him to schedule it – and he never did – so I just finally made the appointment for him.

Once I booked the appointment – they told me that he would have to do twice the amount of “prep” than usual.  I had to iron out some stuff with the pharmacy and make sure he  had all of his crazy drinks for his 3 days of fasting.

This poor man had to fast for over 48 hours!!! Also – instead of drinking one jug of “Colon-blow” – he had to drink two jugs of “Colon-blow”!!!  It was borderline – “cruel and unusual punishment.”  I was wondering if you could possibly get killed doing this inhumane preparation, but I had never heard anyone’s cause of death being “colonscopy prep,” – so he followed the instructions.

I had made his appointment a couple of months ago – and of course it fell right smack in the middle of this crazy week – when I would be away for work, which was problematic.

We figured out a way that my brother would bring him to his appointment and my father would pick him up while his father would be at our house getting children fed and to school at the crack of dawn. (When this was all happening I would be getting my hair blown out at Drybar - before I started my work day – which by the way was quite lovely.)

So those arrangements were made – Mr. Gaga started his fasting and by the end of day one was quite delerious.  In the meantime – I was getting more and more stressed and nervous about work and guilty for leaving the kids, and I found out that I had to attend a wake on Tuesday around the time I had planned on leaving.

I kept trying to go over details with Mr. Gaga - but he just would stare at me blankly and not respond......

So finally I made my way Tuesday afternoon – Mr. Gaga was home on the toilet talking in tongues and the kids were going to eat dinner and go to bed.  I stopped at the wake – and then I was on my way to New York.

When I arrived – I checked in with Mr. Gaga – said goodnight to the kids and tried to relex and not stress about my big day ahead.

At 9:30 PM – my phone rang.  It was Mr. Gaga.

“Lady?”

“Yes, what’s wrong?”

“I just opened my paperwork for tomorrow morning’s procedure to look at the address…” he said in a monotone voice of a starving man.

“Yeah…”

“Why does it say here that my colonoscopy is scheduled for March 9th?”

Cold sweat broke and vomit started to crawl up my throat.

I quickly grabbed my planner to make sure I wrote down February 22nd…

“Um, I don’t know…..I mean I know that your appointment is tomorrow….”

Silence.

“Do you know what’s going to happen if I get there and they turn me away?” Mr. Gaga asked as his voice started to rise.

“You are going to divorce me?” I thought in my head….

“Um – just go there and tell them they made a mistake and it will be fine.”

We hung up – and I tossed and turned all night with nightmares about Mr. Gaga being turned away and him murdering me.

Thank God – they took pity on him and they squeezed him in – and the rest of the time I was away was smooth sailing.

And when I say “thank God” I really mean it ….Do you know what could have happened?

I was a little afraid that that small little detail that I had messed up……might ….just might…..be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

What if Mr. Gaga was mad at me about that little mix-up and he said -

“Get home – where you belong and stop fucking with our lives?”

Remember that time when I escaped and was working on Park Avenue and someone was blowdrying my hair for me every morning.......Sigh.....I really screwed that up ...now I'm back in this god-dammned kitchen again.....

That’s what I call a very close call…….
PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS FUNNIEST MOM BLOGGER….I AM CLEARLY NOT WINNING ANY COLONOSCOPY APPOINTMENT AWARDS…….
THANKS! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Preschool Mother Fail


So I have been back to stay-at-home mom for the most part lately – since my little work project forced me to abandon my family over the holidays. 

When you are home face to face with what really needs to be done in the house and with the children – it is quite daunting.

When I was on the go – scrambling to stay alive – I didn’t have time to notice that the hallway needs to be painted or that my youngest child thinks that he spells his name “MAS.”

I didn’t really care if chicken fingers were on the menu again for dinner or if my older child got school “lunch” on the disgusting “Nacho Day.”

So – I have had a little more time to feel guilty or feel like a failure lately.  (Although I got the hallway painted and had an amazing decorator help me to “style” a shelf in my house!!)  It is quite nice to have a minute to get some little areas of my house cleaned up and looking nice.

The shelf – previously was known for featuring dust bunnies and lego pieces - and I told the kids that it is now off-limits.  Once they understood they could never touch the shelf again -they took it very seriously and put this up in front of the shelf – so even they seem happy to have a home that is somewhat in order….

I digress.  Back to being a failure.

Last week – as I was picking up Sam from school I heard one of the other mothers mention that she had forgotten to do the homework.

“What homework?” I asked.

“Oh – they sent home a sheet about their weekly activities – and it said it on the bottom.” the mom said nonchalantly.

“What? I threw that sheet in the garbage! What is the homework?”  I was panicking now.   I try to not be a completely horrible mother – and blatantly throwing homework assignments in the garbage doesn’t exactly line me up for “Mother of the Year.”

“It’s something about “environmental words” – like cut out words and paste them to a paper and send it in,” this former-teacher mom said as she buckled her baby into her car. “They are going to post the pages on their “word-wall.”

“Wait – like what kind of words?” I asked as Sam ran away towards the car.

“I don’t know – like words about the environment – like grass or sky?” she answered.

This didn’t sound like preschool homework to me.

“Sam – do you have a “word-wall” in your class?” I asked peering back at him in the rearview mirror as we drove home.

“Ummmm…..can I have a snack?” he answered distractedly looking out the window.

“Listen to me!! Do you know what the environment is?” I demanded.

“I’m sexy and I know it….” he sang in response.

I turned off the radio in frustration. “Sam – do you know what smog is?” I looked back one more time as I pulled in to the driveway.

“MOOMM!!!  I don’t know what you are talking about!!” he yelled.  (He doesn’t respond well to questions right after school – I think it’s a “boy-thing.”)

By the time I got home I was very concerned with the fact that I would be handing in the preschool homework! late, and on top of it – I didn’t really know how to do it.

I had no choice.

I had to call the teacher.

“Hi Mrs. M….this is Lady goo goo gaga…..I just had to call you because….well – I don’t understand the homework.”

Silence.

She then explained that an “environmental sight word” is a word like TARGET – that Sam knows – only because its part of a logo – but it’s a first step towards reading.   He also knows Dunkin Donuts, Big Y, Starbucks, and Goldfish.

These are all words that we cut out and pasted to a piece of paper.

“Thank God – I called!” I said, “I was going to send in a picture of smog!”

This is the diagram I made with Sam when we got home but something just didn't seem right about this........

She laughed.

But is it really funny?

Is it really funny that I am failing the preschool homework?

Probably not.

Which is maybe why I felt it was time for me to accept another huge work assignment that will have me working in NYC a lot and basically abandoning my family for two weeks.

Oh -and Mr. Gaga has his follow-up colonoscopy next week – and yes my father will be bringing him….again.

It will all work out…….right???

Wish me luck.

PLEASE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW….I MIGHT NOT BE THE BRIGHTEST MOTHER IN AMERICA BUT I SURE AM THE FUNNIEST….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Dear One “Million” Moms,


Dear One “Million” Moms,

I hear that you have waged a war on retailer JC Penney due to the fact that they hired Ellen DeGeneres as their spokesperson.

Your group claims on your website that “By jumping on the pro-gay bandwagon, JC Penney is attempting to gain a new target market and in the process will lose customers with traditional values that have been faithful to them over all these years.

What I find most troubling about all of this is that the name of your group implies that you actually represent the mothers of this country – which of course is not true.

Only in some little backwards town in Mississippi do mothers sit around worrying about advertisements for the JC Penney. Only the most uneducated, sheltered person would consider being fair and open-minded towards a gay celebrity – a “GAY BANDWAGON!!!”

Um, this photo was on your home page - I am a little confused - if you hate the gay bandwagon so much, why do you have a big old lesbian right on your website????

Most American mothers are very busy caring for our children and/or working.  Sorry we don’t have all the free time you have, to spend perusing every little detail of every commercial, television show or movie.

I saw that your last campaign involved calling the Disney Channel regularly to request that when it aired “Little Manhattan” it edited out the word “hell.”

Ok – first of all – “What the fuck is “Little Manhattan?”

Second of all – don’t you think there’s some better activity a “million” women could be doing – besides sitting around waiting for random characters in some creepy Disney movie to say “hell?”

By the way – you might notice that I keep putting the word “million” in quotes because as Ellen DeGeneres pointed out you only have 40,000 members on Facebook.  As you may or may not know, since clearly your level of intelligence is definitely a huge question at this point, but 40,000 does not equal one million.

You give American Moms a bad name!!!!

No wonder the French moms hate us and write books about what horrible parents we are!!

It is because of people like you!!

I have a sneaking suspicion (mostly because you have such a love affair with JC Penney) that you aren’t the most fashionable bunch.

Do you think that possibly you could just be bitter and angry that you have been wearing mom jeans for the past 20 years, and on top of it – your “mom jeans” are from the JC Penney?

Oh so you are boycotting JC Penney? Maybe if you weren't such assholes you could be getting one of these fine jewels for Valentine's Day ......oh well, too bad -suckers!

Don’t be too upset that you are now forced to boycott JC Penney.  It’s not really the end of the world. You can always just do all of your shopping at Walmart from now on – they haven’t moved to the “dark side” like JC Penney.

Ooops – nevermind… just remembered that little harlot, Miley Cyrus, has a line of clothes at Walmart. She wears short skirts and smokes weed – so scratch that plan….just go to Sears.

Ooohhhh – those slutty, get married 50 times for 2 minutes, Kardashians do ads for Sears……hhmmmmm….

Maybe you better get the old needle and thread out…..

I’m sure you can whip up something yourself that would be just as fancy as what JC Penney could offer.  I mean how hard is it to sew together some acid-washed mom-jeans anyways?

By the way – while you asshats are sewing your own mom-jeans and calling JC Penney all day – the rest of the mothers in America are struggling with actual real modern-day issues like balancing work and family, keeping our home clean, and choosing the right activities or sports for our children.

I like to believe that most of  today’s mothers in America are smart, educated and forward-thinking. 

I hope that we are just and open-minded and that we teach our children to be fair and treat other people with respect and consideration. 

Also as a side-note, in between raising my children to be good, smart individuals  – when I have a spare minute to myself I am always trying to be a “milf.”  

When I have attempted to be hip and stylish I have shopped at Nordstrom or Forever 21 or have concentrated my efforts at the makeup counters.

Not once have I entered  a JC Penney in all of my 33 22 years because I always envisioned this:

The Million Moms at their "We Hate the Disney Channel" Rally last week.....

 

But lo and behold – I just discovered that JC Penney is actually turning over a new leaf!!  Along with hiring Ellen – apparently they are getting a little hipper trying to attract “MILFS” like me!!!

It's probably for the best that you boycott the Penney - you don't want to take a chance that you come across any riff raff like these girls.......

In closing – you will not win this battle, my Mississippi friends. 

Do you actually think you homeschooling, bible belt morons in your long braids to the floor and your  mom jeans – can fight Ellen DeGeneres and JC Penney and win??

Thing again assholes. 

Your little stunt has done nothing but provide outstanding free publicity for JC Penney and inspired celebrities and moms across the country to shop there.

Good work …. Jesus would be proud!

Your friend,

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

I actually learned through my friend Hot Mess Mom and her Million Milf March (see now these are the kind of causes I support – moms wanting to be milfs!!!) – that there is now a group called One Million People who support Ellen – which is quickly gaining support and will soon outshine this little cult. 

If you agree with my stance – please share this post on Facebook!!!!  Thanks so much…XO, Lady Goo Goo Gaga

Facebook Status Updates – Mom of the Year Edition


You know who I am talking about.

Those mothers who give us the blow-by-blow of how awesome their kids are, how awesome their “hubby” is, and how amazing and “blessed” their life is.

There's absolutely nobody in the entire world that has a better life than me!! I am the best and happiest mother!! My children are the smartest and happiest children!!! Your lives all suck compared to mine!!!!!!

It is bad enough when I encounter this type of person in the grocery store or at the preschool drop-off, but now since the invention of Facebook – I have the pleasure of consistently getting inappropriate status updates that nobody cares about.

“Alvin and the Chipmunks and Friendly’s!!!!! Great day for the Smith’s!!!! We are so blessed!!!”

“Date night with my hubby!!! Going to be sooo sad to leave my babies:(   But I am so blessed to have a wonderful hubby!!!”

“Johnny is going into a big boy bed  – We are so blessed to have a such an independent little sleeper!!!!”

“Ella did pee pee on the potty!! We are so blessed to have an 8- month-old with such great bladder control!!”

“Junior got a star on his kindergarten homework!!! We are so blessed to have a 5-year-old genius in our family!”

OK people – we get it.

YOU ARE BLESSED!!!

TAKE ALL OF YOUR BLESSINGS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS!!!

And before you get all “You are just mad and bitter …We love Beyonce” on me….I consider myself blessed as well.

I actually have some great days and great experiences in my life.  I love my kids and my husband….But guess what?

I don’t feel compelled to tell everyone that I am blessed everyday!!

I don’t call my husband – my “hubby” in public forums!!

I actually think what these people are blessed with, is an abundance of TIME!!! with essentially nothing to do but think about ways to trick us into thinking their life is better than ours – how amazing their life is.

I know everyone is entitled to update their status as they see fit – but you know how I feel about people with too much time on their hands……

Now this latest one I couldn’t let go (from a mother in town) – it really takes the cake….

“So happy and grateful to be homeschooling! So wonderful to see amazing accomplishments each day”

Ok – so…

A – You want us to know that you are the best mother in the world because you are homeschooling.

B – You want us to know that not only are you homeschooling your children  – but that you are super awesome at it – and that everyone is passing with flying colors.

C – You want us to know that you don’t care if we all think you are an asshole – because you are “happy and grateful.”

And then a month later – this from the same mother:

“My little bubby is not feeling well. :(
No school today. Praying he feels better soon and doesn’t spread to anyone else!”

Ok – first of all – you already told us you “home school” – so what you should say is “no kitchen today”!!!

And secondly – exactly why can’t he go to couch in his pajamas school?

Is he that sick?  He can’t just shuffle down the hallway to the kitchen table?

And really??  I will save you the suspense.

He’s not going to spread it to anyone else.  I think everyone is pretty safe – since he doesn’t interact with other children outside of his home.

Is this a joke?  Or are you just trying to rub it in that we are all idiots that send our kids to big buildings filled with swine flu and lice?

Also – are you really praying for him to get better soon and that nobody else got it?

That’s just fucking dumb.

I am no expert in the Jesus department – but I am pretty sure he’s busy trying to find food for people in Africa and watching the football games when Tim Tebow is playing.  He doesn’t have time to make sure that your son’s germs aren’t on the door handle at Target.

Well I guess it must be nice at least to have a day off from teaching!  Did you email yourself a note excusing “Bubby” from the day’s activities?

Oh and by the way I know that you are a new teacher but I consulted with a couple of my teacher friends (that actually went to college for 4 years and then for several more years getting a Masters Degree in order to get a job as a teacher) - and they told me it is actually highly inappropriate to call your students “Bubby.”

You should be careful with stuff like that!!

You could get fired!

Even though you are surely a highly qualified elementary education teacher, you should be careful to abide by certain guidelines ….unless you are tenured ….then you are totally safe.

I guess you will get feedback on how you are doing when you have a parent/teacher conference, or when you do professional development with qualified staff that have their administrative degree in education.

Oh wait – you don’t do that…..so I guess it would be more like a mom/mom conference…..

This could go on for hours!!! You will never get home in time to make dinner.....ooops I forgot - you are in your kitchen already!! Thank God!!

I know I am going to get some home school experts that are going to be so mad at me this week – because I am making fun of home schools and Jesus.  But I just have one more question – what if Bubby needs recommendation letters for college?

As I said – I know that everyone is allowed to update their Facebook page with annoying information about their lives.

I also know that America’s schools are far from perfect.

But is this the answer??

I hope not.

 

Even though I occasionally throw Jesus under the bus – if you wouldn’t mind clicking the banner below I would so greatly appreciate it!!! XOXOX LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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