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Monthly Archives: January 2012

Work…the Guilty Pleasure


“Sam was crying today when you didn’t pick him up :( Text from fellow preschool mother

“Go in my room and get my wallet …. I will give you some money so you can go get milk.” Disgruntled and thirsty 4-year-old

“Sam was so happy today that one of his actual parents picked him up.” Mr. Gaga after he left work to pick Sam up from school

“Mom – you need to buy me new underwear.” disgruntled 6-year-old.

“No – I don’t – I just have to do laundry.” Lady Goo Goo Gaga

“Well we know that’s never going to happen.” disgruntled and naked 6-year-old

These are just some of the pit-in-the-stomach inducing comments I received during the past 2 months while I took on a project for work that had me working essentially full-time.

I juggled, I asked for favors, I bribed babysitters, I got more to-go food, and in the end it worked out……kind of.

I decided to take on the extra hours for a few reasons.

#1 – Money.  Money is good – especially at the holidays. When I am home wiping butts and vacuuming legos – I actually don’t get paid….go figure.

#2 – So I miss a few soccer games where kids are kicking the ball into the wrong net – and birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese……GOOD!!!!

#3 – I have been home – cooking and cleaning and caring for 6 years.  If I have to empty the dishwasher or fold a fitted sheet one more time I am going to gouge out my eyeballs.

#4 – These people aren’t babies….how much do they really need me?

Um…apparently very much.

They cry.

They tell strangers and other mothers, “I’m sad because I miss my Mommy.”

Can you believe it?

Like it’s not stressful enough – I have to hear something so heartbreaking, and then feel like I have to explain my absence to the stranger or preschool mom that they are pouring their hearts out to.

Plus – I can’t really argue  – they are right to miss me.

I have missed practices, Christmas tree parties, dinners, bed-times, games, and birthday parties (THANK YOU JESUS FOR SILVER LININGS.)

I have been tired, frazzled and sad.

Also – of course when I am not working – I have to be spending time with the kids and Mr. Gaga, or catching up on my chores, so any “me” time was out the window.

Not that I would have done anything too leisurely with my spare time – but I basically didn’t even have time to get a manicure or a wax.

It’s hard when your kids are crying that they miss you, the laundry is to the ceiling and there’s no milk  – to make time for your moustache.

It seems downright selfish to think about trivial things like your appearance.

This is me making a quick run to the grocery store....with blatant disregard for my moustache or my camel toe......

Work is slowing down a bit now – so I can go back to my duties as driver, laundress and milk supplier.

Aside from the dreariness of housework – there are some perks.

Let’s be honest.

I can work out.

I can have a coffee in the morning while I check emails or watch Kelly Ripa if I want to.

I can work on projects around the house, I can shop, I can pick a recipe and cook it for dinner- instead of throwing chicken nuggets and carrots sticks at everyone and running out the door.

I can read a book to my children and kiss them goodnight.

Even though I complain  – it’s quite nice being a stay-at-home mom in some ways.

(I will change my mind in about 3 days – Stay tuned next week when I get a full-time job as a garbage man just to escape.)

The fact is – the grass is always greener and it’s never perfect.

One day mothers will come together and say “You know what – motherhood is hard, whether you are home or working.”

Whether I go to work while your home sipping a mimosa watching Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb or I’m sipping a latte at my desk and you are home scrubbing the toilet…..it’s a struggle.

If you say it’s not…..you are lying to yourself and others….

There – I said it.

SINCE I AM SO HONEST AND TELL IT LIKE IT IS IN A FUNNY DELIGHTFUL WAY THAT INCLUDES FUNNY TOM SELLECK PHOTOS ……CLICK THE BANNER BELOW PLEASE!!!

Linking to thingsicantsay

Women in Prison


Last week was a great week for Lady Goo Goo Gaga!!! Everybody was loving my letter to Beyonce! (except for a couple of Beyonce stalkers  fans that wrote some interesting comments the past couple of days…) – thanks for all the facebook sharing!!

So – our lives were turned upside-down by a “winter storm” in October, and it seems like as a reward,  we have been snow-free since!

Until this week.

We can’t complain though.  This snow-free winter has been an amazing gift for all of us in New England – but especially mothers! 

I spent many a cold winter’s day stuck in the house with two feisty, bored little boys.  I would start to lose my mind – slowly but surely.   When I couldn’t take it anymore I would bundle them up and bring them somewhere….anywhere….(library, gym daycare, dunkin’ donuts) to break up the day.  At which point, at least one child would promptly get a cold or the stomach bug sending me straight back to jail being housebound for at least a solid week.

Staying home, caring for two small boys, 18 months apart, (without watching more than the 20 minutes of television allotted by the assholes at the American Academy of Pediatrics) can be maddening.

I remember some days one of them would wake up at like 5 am instead of 6 am and I would want to die.  Another cold, dark hour to contend with in an already endless day.

God forbid when one of them wouldn’t nap. 

I would watch the clock like I doing cold, hard time in a high security prison.  The sound of Mr. Gaga coming home was music to my ears.  Sometimes we would cross paths; as he was coming in – I would be running out the door for my life.

If he let me out for even an hour - it was such a help.....

 Why am I telling you all of this?

Because it is important for mothers to stay sane.

It is important for mothers to keep their wits about them.

Remember the “moms club” I joined that offers a community email forum where moms can get answers to tough questions or referrals or references for services and programs?

Remember how I told you that people ask ridiculous questions all day long and I can’t stand it?

Well – I can only think that some mothers spend all their time alone with their children and they start to lose it.

They just aren’t staying sharp…..

They just can’t think on their toes……

How else could I explain this question that was posted:

THIS IS WORD FOR WORD PEOPLE!!!!!

From: Cathy

Subject: [MOMS] Thick socks

Kind of a silly question but I am looking for thick, warm socks for my  3-year-old.  Perhaps wool, I am not sure.

What?

Cathy – you aren’t thinking clearly.  Snap out of it!!!  Try to think very hard and see if you can come up with an answer yourself….

Please come up with an answer yourself??

Ok – first of all we live in New England!!! I could see if this was like Hawaii or something. 

Also – please let me mention the local retailers that have “thick, warm socks” – REI, Cabela’s, Marshalls, Target, TJ Maxx, Nordstrom, Macy’s, Lord and Taylor, JCPenney, Old Navy to name just a FEW of the stores IN TOWN!!!

If you cannot figure this out  – I am very concerned for your sanity!!!!

Or this equally disturbing question:

From: Liz

Subject: [MOMS] Hangers

Ok fellow consigners, any ideas on where to get the cheapest hangers?

Really?

I am speechless.

They come free at the cleaners.

I mean – I don’t really know what else to say.

I understand that it can be very frustrating when one cannot find hangers.   The worst is when you can’t find the right TYPE of hanger.  That could send anyone over the edge. 

But you people need to PROBLEM SOLVE!!!!!

When I found a closet full of WIRE hangers - I went completely nuts and on my way to the mental institution I dropped them all off at Liz's house......

Please, please, please – for your own well-being and for the well-being of others receiving your emails and the well-being of your children -

GET OUT OF YOUR HOME AND SPEAK TO ADULTS.

JOIN A BOOK CLUB.

GET A PART-TIME JOB.

PLAY SCRABBLE.

START A BLOG.

Anything you can possibly do to stay sharp – do it.

If we cannot, as mothers, maintain our sanity then everybody is completely screwed.

We are in charge of the safety and well-being of our children and sometimes our significant other.  We need to keep our wits about us!

Consider this a public service announcement for mothers who are home losing their minds.

If you no longer know how to access a sock or a hanger – trouble lies ahead my friend.

I don’t want any phone calls or emails this week asking me if I made up those questions!! IT IS FOR REAL!!!  Since I have to endure these emails in order to share them with you – can you at least click the banner below?? Thanks!!! Ladygoogoogaga

Dear Beyonce,


I heard that you caused quite an uproar when you recently rented out an entire floor of a New York City hospital to give birth to your daughter, Blue Ivy.

I couldn’t help but think that you just didn’t know any better.

By now you have surely started to experience the harsh realities of motherhood. I am sure now you realize that you didn’t need an entire floor of a hospital to have a baby.

You seem like a real go-getter, someone who is confident and up for a challenge, so you probably decided to try to breastfeed.

Now you know that you could have given birth in the Buckingham Palace or a broom closet somewhere in the ghetto, and it all comes down to one thing.

That baby needs to latch on to your boob.

No amount of Grammy awards or royalty checks from Destiny’s Child,  will take away the searing pain that will rip through your body when that baby latches on, and if she doesn’t -her cries and your feelings of failure will be equally as painful.

After a couple of days of such joy, you were ready to bring the baby home.  Oh, when you were ready to leave did you try to squeeze into a fresh pair of Dereon jeans?  Were you horrified to find that they didn’t fit?

Oh I think Mariah probably forgot to tell you that She got lipo and a tummy tuck  it is hard to lose the baby weight.

If you are like me ( and let’s face it you invented the term “bootylicious” to hide the fact that you  have a huge ass,) then you may find yourself wearing maternity clothes until your daughter is 12  3 months.

You are home now, settling into some sort of routine, surrounded by doulas, nannies, nurses and your mother. Of course, you are nursing so you know  that even a small army can’t save you now.

You see, as Jay Z snores beside you while you feed your baby in the wee hours of the morning, that it’s all about you.

Only you, Beyonce Knowles, has the milk in the tit.

Isn’t it fun?

When you asked him to put a ring on it, is this what you envisioned??

Maybe for your next single, "Married Ladies" - you can say "If you like it - put a Nuva Ring in it"......

Oh yeah, and remember how cute it was when Jay Z would whisper sweet nothings like “I’ve got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”

Yeah……..not cute anymore.

In fact, I understand that you actually love him so much and think he is so wonderful, that you agreed to name your child “blue ivy” as an homage to his successful chart-topping albums. (A little narcissism never hurt anyone right??? I mean she won’t have to worry about living up to anything……she’ll be fine…..people get named after their daddy’s rap albums all the time.)

Well, don’t be surprised if you aren’t quite as infatuated anymore.  The sleep deprivation coupled with his utter uselessness will lead to a slow build-up of utter hatred and disgust.

In fact, you might just look over at him while he sleeps soundly as you feed the baby and want to smother him with your Boppy.  The fact that he just picks up his life right where he left off, before he took off one day to watch you push a human being from your body, can be frustrating.

He will return to work with zero regard for who is caring for your child.

If you don't mind - while you are home crying and rubbing lanolin on your nipples - he is just going to do some work with Rihanna.....

After work, he will continue to attend social events with zero regard for who is caring for your child, and without having to wear nursing pads in his bra or worry about sneezing and peeing his pants.

Remember how much fun you guys used to have at the games? Yeah - about that - you can't go anymore - so he gave all your tickets to Kanye West.....

Meanwhile, you will be busy managing your singing and acting careers, your clothing line, and trying to prevent your mother from styling the baby in weird outfits that she created – all while a starving baby hangs off your boob.

Just a heads up, no matter if you give him dirty looks or answer him in short one-word answers, he probably won’t be deterred.  The thought won’t cross his mind to leave you alone.

No.

The day will come.

When your sweet little baby is just 6 weeks old, you will go to the doctor.  This doctor will give you a clean bill of vaginal health.
 

At this point you would rather light yourself on fire than participate in intercourse – but there will be nothing you can do because Jay Z will be home waiting for you naked.

This will further your hatred…….but not to worry!!!

It passes.

Soon you will find yourself in bed working on baby #2…..ready for all of this again!!!

Except maybe next time you can plan a home birth so that the peasant mothers like myself can utilize the public hospital facilities…..

Just sayin…….

Your friend,

Lady Goo Goo Gaga 

This week instead of voting for me as the funniest mom blogger….if you like it then you should click a share on it. Share on Faceboook so your friends and family can enjoy how ridiculous Beyonce is.  

Thanks!!!! Xoxoxox Lady goo goo gaga

Linking to POUR YOUR HEART OUT

Mother Puckers


In the book “Outliers,” Malcolm Gladwell claims that to become a success at something you must complete 10,000 hours of practice; whether its music (the Beatles) golf (Tiger Woods) or computer programming (Bill Gates.)

Let’s just say, I think a lot of parents in my town have read this book and are frantically having their kids bang out some hours.

Let’s just say, I too, am a little competitive, and have been known to hate losing.  

I mean let’s be real people – who wouldn’t want a little Justin Beiber running around their huge mansion that he buys for me house.

So I sometimes get nervous that over here in the Gaga household we really haven’t started chipping away at the old 10,000 hours yet.

We have to find something first.

Tick – tock.

I mean these kids aren’t spring chickens……Michael is already 6. 

I think Michael Jackson already had a gold record by then – and McCauley Culkin was probably already nailing his audition for “Home Alone.”

Just sayin…..

I mean the streets of gold aren’t going to pave themselves…..

So last year – when my then 5-year-old announced that he would like to play hockey  – I thought it was a great idea.  We signed up for a “learn to skate” program. 

Some people said “You are nuts! It’s so expensive! It’s so much travel and you have to wake up at 5 am and go to games!”

I would just look at them knowingly – and explain that it was something that Michael wanted to do – so we were willing to try it out.

(In my head I thought – I am a super-awesome mom and you aren’t! I am willing to sacrifice so that my son can start his 10,000 hours and you are selfish.  5 am game time is no problem for my husband us – because we are great parents ……and you are assholes.   Have fun waiting for your short little white kid to get drafted for basketball…..losers….)

So that first day of hockey – my son fell 500 times.  It was absolutely heart-breaking to watch him flail about on the ice like a sea-lion.
 
God love him – he kept trying and he wanted to go back the next time, and so we kept going and he started to learn to skate.

But then I met …….the HOCKEY MOMS.   You have heard of the “soccer mom?” These women blow them out of the water…….(possibly with a rifle if it’s Sarah Palin we are talking about.)

It's probably not good that this is America's self-proclaimed "Hockey Mom".......

 
I quickly found out I wasn’t the awesome, superior mother I thought I was…….the “hockey moms” let me know that – real quick.
 
“Ooohhh – he’s just starting now?”  one mom said with a sad face watching Michael flail about on the ice on his belly like a beached whale.  “My son started when he was 3.”
 
“Hunter started when he was 2,” another mom said knowingly as her son zipped by us at the speed of light (backwards.)
 
“Well – Corey started when he was 3 months and now he’s 6 and looking to get drafted,” another mother added.
 
Ok – I made up the last one – but I think she was thinking it…..
 

This kid kept taking breaks to lay down - what a slacker. At least Michael did better than him......

 
So basically what they all wanted me to know was that at the early age of 5 years old – Michael was too late to start his 10, 000 hours.   Not only was I not the best mother in America like I had originally believed I was a horrible mother!!
 
So as usual – this is what I am up against in this crazy world of parenthood.   We ended up doing 20 weeks of skating last year and we were happy with our choice.
 
This year a lot of parents with kids Michael’s age (who by the way weren’t any better than Michael) – were going to put them on the town team.  This meant paying $500, and going every Saturday and Sunday at 8 am from early October until April. 
 
Michael was playing soccer until November and we thought he really wasn’t ready to play on the team (skill-wise.)
 
“Oh Tucker wasn’t ready either – so I hired Oksana Baiul’s coach.  We have private lessons 4 times a week.” one mother told me when I voiced my concerns.
 
WTF?  The only thing I do 4 times a week is laundry and who am I kidding I don’t even do  that.  If I spent the time and money for those lessons – my son better magically transform like in the Black Swan movie – into Oksana Baiul.

Strangely - this is what Tucker looks like now - after weeks of private lessons.....

 
“We did a summer camp where they played hockey all day everyday. They cried every morning that they didn’t want to go – but it helped,” another mother said.
 
Really – on a beautiful hot summer day -your kids were indoors on ice skates?Meanwhile – we were eating ice cream from the Good Humor man and going crabbing all summer….ooops. 
 
Needless to say – since I am failing miserably in the 10,000 hours department – when we picked back up this week with hockey it was a disaster.  We signed Michael up for a more advanced “Hockey Skills” class that we weren’t really sure he was ready for.
 
He was not.  He went to retrieve a puck and got stuck in the net and couldn’t get out and got demoted back to “Learn to Skate.”
 
“This is our fault! Maybe we should have done the summer camp!” I cried to my husband, “We are horrible parents – maybe Oksana is still available….”
 
“It’s more important that he had a fun summer and a normal childhood,” Mr. Gaga responded.
 
Sigh.
 
What is the right answer?? 
 
For now – we are going to work on skating for another season – and possibly sign up for a summer camp to keep up with it …..
 
(that is only if it doesn’t interfere with my “How to turn your child into the next YouTube Sensation seminar.)
 
JUST KIDDING!!!! OF COURSE I WOULDN’T WANT MY KIDS TO BE TORTURED YOUNG POP STARS!!!   ONLY A HORRIBLE MOTHER WOULD DO THAT – SO SINCE I AM A GREAT MOTHER AND A FUNNY MOTHER – YOU CAN CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW FOR ME!!!!  THANKS – LOVE, HOCKEY MOM (not)  LADY GOO GOO GAGA
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

What I learned….


In February of 2011 I began this little anonymous blog, as a way to vent and tell stories of my experience as a mother.

I have so loved having you all read, comment, laugh and commiserate. I look forward to much more blogging in 2012 and thank you all for your support!!

2011 was a good year for me.  I finally started to feel like I could think about doing something for myself – something besides wiping a butt or emptying a dishwasher.  (Like start a blog!!)

If I had to pick one word for 2011 it would be “blog,”  because in the beginning of the year I didn’t even really know what a blog was, and now I have my mom blog and I also have a beauty blog, and blogging has become a huge part of my life!

If I had to pick one word for 2012 it will be “Tweet.”  From what I understand this is something I am supposed to be doing already, but as usual I am behind the eight-ball with technology – so I am going to figure it out and become a tweet-aholic.

Today I want to just review the year for those of you who might have missed some important stories….with the
TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED THIS YEAR…..(and one for good luck)

#1 – In February I started this blog and learned about other cultures at a Chinese child’s birthday party. This is where I was told to take off my shoes and wear the mother’s filthy slippers throughout the party.

#2 – In March, I came to the realization that my neighbor “Fran Drescher” is an utterly repulsive idiot.  I am so thankful that she moved across the country so I no longer have to be subjected to her filth or her children’s theater productions.

#3 – In April, I was an idiot and drove 19 hours in the car to Georgia, I learned that this is not necessarily a good idea.  As if it’s not bad enough being stuck in a vehicle for long periods of time,  I definitely learned that when one gets out of the car for short breaks, the Cracker Barrel is not the place to go.

#4 – In May, in honor of Mother’s Day I reviewed the ways “This is not my mother’s motherhood.”  Most of this list revolves around the fact that modern-day motherhood is wretched and torturous and my mother enjoyed leisure time watching the Days of Our Lives program and smoking cigarettes.

#5 – In June, school ended so I no longer had to look at or listen to Steven Keaton at the bus stop, and I figured out a way for my son to get the final revenge of the school year.  This school – year I learned that I must wear sunglasses rain or shine to avoid eye contact with any and all humans at said bus stop.

Imagine waking up every morning and having to watch this guy pretend he's going to take the bus to kindergarten.

#6 – In July, I learned that Bingo is very annoying, I will never win and it is not good for my mental health. If I continue to attend the yearly beach bingo I could possibly flip tables like Theresa Guidice.

Teresa Guidice flipping a table

#7 – In August, I learned that too much sun coupled with late nights spent watching Spongebob while his mother drinks wine, can actually turn a 5-year-old into the devil.  I got a lot of comments on this one – I think you all could relate to this story – especially when everyone on the beach clapped when we left….

#8 – In September, I was provoked by a moron in my “Moms Club” who decided to tell her 2-year-old there’s no such thing as Santa.  I learned that there is a level of horrible parenting that I was not aware of – Oooohh how I hate that woman and her husband.  In 2012 – stay tuned for more idiotic requests and questions from people who apparently can’t solve simple matters without sending out a mass email to 800 mothers.

#9 – In October, I escaped from Hell on Earth Connecticut and I learned it is not necessarily all it’s cracked up to be.  Although we had a great trip – it did take us until about Halloween to recover from the trip – and that was about the time that we had a storm that destroyed Connecticut life as we knew it.

#10 – In November, my hair turned into a Brillo pad and I learned how to survive without power for 10 days!!!!!  It took us until last week to recover from this fucking piece of shit storm and the piece of shit utilities company that we have here in lovely Connecticut.

This is me waiting for my husband to hook up the generator.....

#11  – In December, I learned that some people in this household do not value Christmas traditions and schedules as much as I do…..and Mr. Gaga asked that I also say I learned that he is funnier than me……(which of course is not true.)

What's the big deal? Why are you crying? Are you crying about coming home to raw chicken on the counter and a messy house or is it because I am an idiot?

Happy New Year!! Please start off the new year in a positive direction and vote for me was one of the Top Mommy Blogs!! XOXOXO LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Linking to pour your heart out!!

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