If you didn’t read last week’s blog post – click here to read about my frustrations with Mr. Gaga and the Christmas tree decorating night we had planned.
Well last week I had the most readers in the history of this blog.
Note to self – People that read this blog quite enjoy when I talk shit about Jesus and they enjoy even more when I talk shit about my husband!!!
Mr. Gaga asked for a chance to plead his case – so I granted him a chance to guest blog below. I also – linked to Pour Your Heart out - because apparently that’s what he’s doing……Enjoy!
Before I start, let me first ask this….no one found it ironic that the Mr. Gaga bashing followed the blog about Lady’s period.
It was set up so perfectly.
A blog about a woman’s period, then a week later, a story about how awful her husband is.
The night the infamous tree incident reminded me of a scene from 28 Days Later. (Not just a catchy title, but perfect timing.)
This is Lady in the living room window as we pulled up the driveway. Something about the eyes told me that she was less than happy with me. We call those “period eyes”.
Now while I could probably write forever on this topic, I was given strict instructions about my “guest blogging”. I will attempt to keep it short and sweet.
To you all, Ladygoogoogaga, is funny and witty.
I like to compare her to grandkids. Grandparents love them. You know why? Because they go home to their parents at the end of the day.
You bring Lady into your home once a week to make you laugh. In reality, you close her blog and wait till the next week. I on the other hand have to live with her for the remainder of the week telling me how funny she is.
“Why don’t you think I’m funny?’ “984 people thought I was funny this week.”
Really Lady! If you’re so funny, how come your shit ain’t payin the fuckin mortgage? If you’re so funny, why don’t you go out and buy your own fuckin car instead of stealing mine?
Sorry. I got off task. Let me get back to the story. Two weeks ago, I got suckered into going back to the infamous tree farm. I had no problem going to Home Depot to get a tree and calling it a day. I didn’t want to go out to that wretched tree farm anyway. Lady’s father made me feel guilty. How can I tell this man no?
Long story short, I was ready to pack up around 4:30 pm to go home. Father in law comes up and says, “Can you do me a favor?”
I knew what he has going to ask me before his mouth opened. He wanted me to drive his 2 Christmas trees one hour out of my way, to his house because he couldn’t fit them in his car. That meant I have to drive one hour one way to catch up two hours the other way. I wouldn’t get home until close to 8:00 pm. How can I tell this man no? I couldn’t!
This is the same man who brought me to my colonoscopy, held my hand in the room and drove me home after. This is all because “Ladygoogoohaha” couldn’t make it due to the “perfect 10 ” beach day. In a nut shell, while her husband was getting anally probed by a doctor, WITH HER FATHER HOLDING HIS HAND, she was basking in the sun at the beach.
That being said. I am not a bad guy. I go to work. I don’t beat my wife (though tempting at times). I love my children. I do my best to keep things moving smoothly in the house.
Just so you know, when she was not speaking to me for three days….she actually was actually doing me a favor. Seriously, you women think you are punishing us when you give us the silent treatment. It is actually the greatest gift ever.
What she did leave out was the fact that I wake up at 4:30 am to be at work at 5:30 am. Come home at 5 or 6 at night to high-five her as she walks out the door for book club or some other fucking excuse for a cult she belongs to.
My weekends include play dates with most of the people highlighted in this blog, stupid birthday parties, cleaning up the front yard because apparently if you’re a fuckin comedian like my wife, you can’t pick up a goddamn toy in the yard. I AM MR. MOM!
You know what’s funny?
The fact that I keep having to wear my underwears inside out to pretend they’re clean because Lucille Ballgoogoogaga is busy making the world laugh.
Basically, my message is this. You all should shut the fuck up because every woman should be so lucky to have a guy like me. You have no idea what it is like to live with her! She is like Mommy Dearest, Fatal Attraction, and Misery in one character. This guest blog is my cry for help.
Below is a link for you to vote for me as the biggest asshole husband. But before you vote, spend a week in my shoes. You may change your mind. Thank you, good night, and god bless…….
Alright – really the click on this banner will just further my proof that I am the funniest mom in America…….Even though I already know it’s true – it’s good to be validated – can you believe this guy???