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It’s a Wonderful Life…….for my husband


So because I have been working more than usual and can barely get my chores done, when Christmas decorating, baking, cards, shopping, wrapping, etc is added to the mix ……forget it.

I have thrown my hands up in the air – and started to delegate a lot to Mr. Gaga.

Also – I have had to let some things go. 

Some activities I simply cannot do. 

The parent volunteer sign-up sheet for my preschooler’s class went right in the garbage – along with the order forms and catalogues for the pie and wrapping paper fundraiser. (sorry PTO – maybe next year ….but let’s be honest….probably not)

Traditionally, we go cut down our tree the same day as my parents, cousins, aunts and uncles, brother, etc. 

We spend the day at the farm tailgating. 

Let me be clear in case you find this an odd tradition – my husband would tailgate at funerals if they let him.   Any excuse to start an open fire and stand around it for hours on end talking, drinking and eating…..

This is Mr. Gaga at the Christmas Tree Tailgate party...

This year – I just couldn’t find a day that worked – so I gave up and told Mr. Gaga to go without me last Saturday morning.  I told him to go early and come home in the afternoon, that way he could put the tree up – and start dinner.  I would get home around 7, we could eat dinner and then trim the tree as a family.

Mind you – this was at the end of a long 50 hour work week for me and Sunday would be the start of another one – so we really only had this small window of time to decorate the tree and have some family time.

Do you know when I got home at 7:15 PM…… hungry and tired, looking forward to dinner and a glass of wine and Christmas cheer……..

Mr. Gaga and my tree were NOT HOME YET.

Do you understand what I am telling you?

Not only was the tree not UP WITH LIGHTS ON IT…..

…….it was not FUCKING HOME.

Do you know at the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life” when George Bailey comes home and wants to kill everyone – and he kicks all the presents and says “Janie will you stop playing that lousy piano?” and then he goes up the stairs and wants to throw the piece of the banister on the floor…..that was me. 

I wanted to kick everything and murder my husband.

I trudged into the cold, dark house.

I turned on the lights.

The chicken I had put out that morning to defrost (that should now have been in a fajita) was on the counter sitting limply in a defrosted pile.

The morning coffee cups and breakfast dishes were on the counter.

The morning newspaper was strewn about.

The sink was filled with dirty dishes and……

wait for it……

the dishwasher needed to be emptied.

I went ballistic.

Instead of calling and yelling at Mr. Welch - I called Mr. Gaga and told him he was a motherfucker.....then I went out into town looking for a bridge to jump from......

 
 
I slammed all the pots and pans and started making dinner.
 
I swore out loud for twenty minutes calling my husband every bad name I could think of.
 
And then I did what George Bailey would do in my position. 
 
I cried.
 
When my husband came home Sam was asleep already – which further sent me into a tirade.
 
I informed Mr. Gaga – that because he chose to stand around looking at a fire pit and eating sausage and peppers for 14 hours – now Christmas was destroyed. 
 
Poor Michael still had hope – so after I cooked and ate dinner by myself – because NOBODY WAS HUNGRY BECAUSE THEIR FATHER GAVE THEM HOT DOGS ALL DAY…..
 
I tried to put the lights up with Mr. Gaga while not speaking to him and simultaneously sending him hateful vibes through the pine needles.
 

What's the big deal? Why are you crying? Are you crying about coming home to raw chicken on the counter and a messy house or is it just because you married an idiot that cares more about tailgating than he does about you?

 
Michael waited patiently to hang the ornaments, snuggled on the couch in his PJ’s.  When we finally finished putting up the lights, and were ready to hang ornaments, I looked over at him and he was fast asleep.
 
This broke my heart.  I reminded Mr. Gaga once more that the kids will never be 4 1/2 and 6 again – and they couldn’t decorate the tree this year because of him and that he single-handedly destroyed Christmas for all of us.
 
I finished decorating the tree by myself until midnight…..crying.
 
Is this just a horrible Christmas tale or what?
 
This seems to always happen to me!
 
I am so frantically trying to create happy memories for myself and my kids every year, and every year it ends in disaster.
 
I am determined to have Christmas cheer!!!!
 
I am Clark Griswold.
 
 
“You’re doing too much – just stay home and empty the dishwasher and decorate the tree. Nobody’s husband is doing everything with the kids, cooking chicken, and emptying the dishwasher….forget it.” my BF lectured me.
“So you are saying this is all my fault for going to work?” I yelled.
“No – I am saying that you have created chaos by working all these hours – so just don’t get mad when nothing gets done.  It’s just not going to get done until you get home and do it yourself.”
 
What a horrible answer.
 
Sadly – she’s probably right.
 
All I know is that I can’t do it all alone – and I especially can’t do it all alone at Christmas-time.
 
I think Mr. Gaga got the message. He has been helping much more and I eventually started speaking to him on Tuesday…….
 
Tis the Season!!!!
 
 
 
Please click on the banner below to give me a vote for funniest mom in America:)  Thanks!! XOXOXO LADY GOO GOO GAGA
 
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34 responses »

  1. dude, you just described our Thursday. Throw in the kitten getting in the tree and a bank error making us over 1K in the hole (since corrected) and I can relate.

    funny, though

    Reply
  2. This is amazing. Seriously made my morning!!

    Reply
  3. Hilarious! Typical man. I can so relate!

    Reply
  4. Hysterical! And so familiar- I was doing the tree. The first one we have ever had because
    We are normally away- so he was watching
    Rugby which I tried to overlook and make my
    Own fun with Kai who ripped off each ornament as I put them on. Then he had the audacity and very poor judgement of turning the volume down on my very special christmas volume 1. Needless to say it was all over from there. I also ended up in tears
    And said we will never have a first christmas
    In our new house when kai is 1 ever again! O the joys!

    Reply
  5. I LOVE the blunt card at the end.

    Reply
  6. There’s too much stress and pressure to have the perfect Christmas. It never turns out like we dreamed it would and it’s unfair that women have to work outside the house and come home to do all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare!

    Reply
  7. I just had flashbacks…Flashbacks of my parents arguing while they tried to get the tree up and the lights working, and us sitting waiting to put the ornaments up…the tension…Ooooh the tension…
    If it makes you feel better, we all turned out okay. And MOST of my memories of Christmas when I was a kid are fond ones. ;)

    Reply
  8. Well GaGa…I read your blog but dont usually respond, but this one got me! First of all, I must say, our hubbies are very similar….mine would tailgate anywhere as well….as a matter of fact, he tailgated at a wedding this weekend! As for the tree….I always had a real tree, hubby didnt. He doesnt see the purpose of one, so therefore the tree falls on me….however this year, I went & got the tree….alone, and had my mom (yes my 63 yr old mom) help me get it off my roof & into my house….I attempted to decorate while my 3 month-old was sleeping, and realized as half of the lights were up that my hands & arms were covered in HIVES!!! Im officially allergic to Christmas! I had to run out today to purchase a fake tree….which I brought home and put up myself, and am in the process of decorating as I write….hopefully the itching will stop long enough for the ornaments to make it on the tree!!

    Reply
  9. First of all that’s bullshit. I don’t understand why its acceptable that we have to do everything! (yes, we are the only ones who are going to do it well…). I hate when people say things like that. My husband is just as capable of doing the same things as I am, having a penis did not disable his dishwasher unloading abilities. Sorry, clearly this is a subject that irks me endlessly!

    I’m sorry you had such an awful day, that really sucks. Hopefully there’s still lots of holiday cheer ahead of you! I’m definitely with you on the Griswold thing. Its going to be a great Christmas if I can help it!

    Reply
  10. Staying at home full time can drive any mom to the edge…working full time will do the same. Trust me, I’ve traveled both roads. My advice would be to find the middle ground so that you can keep one foot in the adult world and the other at home where you can start the family traditions that are important to you. This won’t be easy either– nothing ever is when you’re a mom– but one day you’ll look back and see the traditions you put in place. Despite the ongoing chaos of family life.

    Reply
  11. You sound like me! The crying probably he;ped some…a bottle of wine would have helped more! Merry Christmas!

    Reply
  12. Oh, that blunt card cracked me up.

    Last year, Hubs and I had talked about me going back to work. And that it would probably lead to divorce or maybe me killing him. B/c I know he wouldn’t end up helping out, so I’d still be doing all that I usually did, plus working on top of it. And it would make me hate him. So, I stayed home.

    Reply
  13. I found your blog on topmommyblogs.com. That is quite a distinction. Congrats. You are right on with this post. I hope you check out my blog at http://www.thecribhub.com where you can find luxurious and affordable baby cribs.

    Reply
  14. Pingback: Guest blogger – Mr. Gaga « Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  15. Omg. You are hilarious.

    Reply
  16. That last pic? I die.
    I read a blog somewhere recently where it talked to how nice it must be for husband’s to have Christmas “just happen”. Men are such f—–s. :o

    Reply
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