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Monthly Archives: November 2011

Bad Catholic


At the beginning of the school year we signed Michael up for CCD.

Admittedly horrible Catholics, we were actually raised to be good ones. We at least know enough that we should educate our children so that they too can grow up to be horrible Catholics one day.

“But you’re a hypocrite – the Catholic Church goes against women’s rights,” my atheist brother argues with me.

“Oh I know – I will explain later that it’s all wrong – but for now at least they can learn some prayers.”  I reply knowingly.

I have always been a bad Catholic.  I think I was just born this way. 

I don’t get it and I don’t really care enough to absorb the information – so every time someone explains something to me I am freshly shocked by the absurdity of it all.

I don’t know what anyone is talking about.

My husband has to repeatedly explain to me (and the kids  – because they love it) about what happened on Easter. Something about Jesus being wrapped up like a mummy and then he like escapes from a cave like Houdini and then he was God??

I don’t get it.  It hurts my head.

“I think he was just pretending to be dead,” Michael says when my husband tells the story, “I think he was just asleep.”

“Wait – but who is Jesus’ Dad again? Isn’t it God?” I ask.

“Well – yes kind of.”

But why is Joseph in the manger pretending that it’s his baby? Doesn’t he know that he didn’t have sex with Mary?” I mean what is this General Hospital?” I ask every Christmas.

I don’t get it and as I write this blog right now – I don’t know the answer.   I am going to ask Mr. Gaga again in the morning.

But I should know since I was dragged to church every Sunday of my life – even if I slept over someone’s house!! My father would come get me!!!

And …… this is the worst – we had to say “grace” every night before dinner. (Even now!!)  Which literally sounds like this from all the disgruntled mumbling….

“Father, son, holy spirit…Bless uhlor for these errr ..about to …err  share…Amen”

EVEN IF I HAD A FRIEND OVER FOR DINNER!!!!!

Embarrassing.

EVEN IF THEY WERE JEWISH!!!!!!

"Wow these people are freaks - it's like one minute everyone is normal - then the next minute they are mumbling some weird version of grace I have never heard of....and PS - Don't they know I'm a Jew?"

 Once I had my license – it was up to me which mass I went to – so I would usually choose the 12 o’clock mass – and then pretend to go but just really go to McDonald’s.

Apparently the whole “thou shalt not tell a lie” thing escaped me.

Sometimes I would just go in for a quick prayer.....

So – I went on to go to a Jesuit University and then I got married in said University chapel.  Also – I would like to note that although I can be snarky and swear a lot and say things like “I hate babies,” I generally am a good person.

So imagine my surprise when I moved to Connecticut after getting married in New York and living there for a while and I couldn’t get my baby christened. 

I was told flat-out “No,” by more than one church.

“But why? We have all of our sacraments!” I pleaded with a nun over the phone.

“You must be registered and attend mass regularly.” she said.

“Well I work weekends – so I watch mass on TV,” I lied.

(again)

(to a nun)

“No.”

“I am a good person!!!!” I yelled to the dial tone in my ear.

I hung up the phone and looked up at my husband who was staring at me with his jaw hanging open in shock.

“Did you just tell a nun that you watched mass on TV?” he yelled.

“Yes.” I said softly.

“We’re fucked.” he replied sinking into a chair.

Eventually – we greased some palms – and got a family friend to get us a hookup.  The deal was we could get the baby christened if we went to mass every Sunday leading up to his birth.

We went once and figured out what time the collection basket came.  At 10:55 each Sunday morning we would roll up – I would run in and drop a check (with our names on it for evidence!!)  in the basket – and then we would go to McDonald’s for breakfast.

( Apparently we are fat disgusting people who always choose the golden arches over the lord – what can I tell you?)

Well I said I was a bad Catholic!!!  Don’t judge me!!!

If this was our church - we would totally go.......

Last week when I went to pick up Michael from CCD – the teacher pulled me aside.

“Just so you know – the first graders are going to be part of Sunday’s mass.  I know you don’t go to mass….(Can you believe this bitch?) but it would be so great if Michael could be there.”

I at least got one thing out of my Catholic upbringing and its a little thing called guilt – so of course I said we would be there with bells on.

When we got there – Michael sat up front with his class and I sat a few rows back with Sam and his Bakugans to keep him entertained.

Now let me say upon returning to church I was shocked by a few things.

First and foremost – the place was packed!  Most of the people didn’t even have a first grader!  They just woke up and came to church for no good reason!?

And a lot of these devout Catholics – had BABIES with them!!!

What??

Why???

Some nerdy couple came dressed to the nines – huffing and puffing up the aisle lugging their baby in an infant carrier.  They of course sat directly behind me – and I thought “Oh great – now I am going to have to listen to this baby cry for an hour.”

Oh no.

The baby was not the problem.

Apparently – the second realization I had, was that church is like American Idol for nerds.

To them – church is a place where in the name of Jesus you can just belt out tunes like it’s nobody’s business even when you have a horrible voice.

I mean try to imagine the most off-key, ear-piercing voice singing “Hallelujah” really loud right into your ear….

Then Sam stopped playing with his Bakugans, turned and looked up at me and said  “I really don’t want to listen to this!” really loud so I could hear him over the American Idol audition.

I doubled over and was crying with laughter.   I was right back to my junior high self – laughing inappropriately in church.

When Michael came back to sit with us at the end of mass -I was still wiping tears from my eyes from laughing.

Trying to be supportive I said “Did you like going up to the altar?”

“Nooo.”  he said with disgust.

“Why?”

“Because that guy (*the priest) just touched my head and didn’t even give me a bite of God.”

“You can have a “bite of God” after your First Communion – after we all go to Confession.” I replied matter-of-factly.

Oh shit.

Let’s just say this might be a bumpy road to heaven for the Gaga family.

LISTEN – DESPITE WHAT YOU BIBLE -BELTERS MIGHT THINK – I AM A GOOD PERSON!!!!  REMEMBER YOU ARE VOTING FOR ME AS FUNNIEST MOM BLOG – NOT BEST CHURCH-GOING CATHOLIC – SO JUST CLICK THE DAMN BANNER PLEASE :) THANKS…..

How not to become featured on an episode of “Hoarders”


When I was home with a newborn baby and an 18-month-old, those were some of my darkest, longest days. Days often filled with tears (usually theirs – but sometimes mine.)

In order to do anything outside of my home – I needed a double stroller. Even before Sam was born I began pricing them out and trying to decide which style would best suit my needs.

I became obsessed.

“Why do we need a $300 stroller?” Mr. Gaga would ask as I poured through Consumer Reports ratings.

“I need to leave this house someday – and I can only do that if I have somewhere to strap both of them in!” I would say frantically with my heart palpitating.

I had put myself into a very unfortunate situation by getting pregnant with a boy when my first boy was 9 months old. My sanity and any semblance of a quality of life was ripped out from under me (and I am still anxiously awaiting its return.)

So in my claustrophobic and exhausted mind – this double stroller meant everything to me, it was my ticket out of here. 

It was a magic carriage that would solve all of my problems and make my life normal again. 

It was my “key to the city.”

I could go to the mall!!

I could go for a walk with both kids!!

I will be skinny! 

I will be happy!!

So the money was spent for a delightful side-by-side double stroller.  I put my newborn in it right away – which in hindsight was utterly ridiculous, and I was free to leave home.

I wish I had known that my 18-month-old would soon refuse to go in any stroller at all.  If I was able to strap him down against his will – he would spend the whole time poking his brother’s eyeballs and waking him up when he dozed off.

So after maybe 4 or 5  months – I promptly put my newborn into a single stroller and hung the double stroller up in the garage.

It was such a short window of time, but that stroller saved my life.  There have been other pieces of baby equipment that have been as important to me – and when I am done using them I put them in the garage or basement.

About twice a year – Mr. Gaga tries to throw everything in the garbage. 

“What are you doing?!” I say as I wheel my double stroller back into the garage. “This is my $300 double stroller!”

“You don’t even need one stroller – let alone one for two babies.” Mr. Gaga would say with exasperation.

Finally he had enough when Michael was 5 and Sam was 3 1/2.

“If you don’t want me to throw it out – then give it away,” he said standing firm.

“Give it away? What if I have another baby?”  (I am absolutely not having another baby.  I don’t even like babies, but what else could I say?)

“Well – if you have another baby – it’s not going to be with me – so that means I’m saving a stroller for some other dude’s baby.”

Foiled.

Once we got rid of that little red car and the stroller - we were in much better shape....

I don’t want to be a hoarder.  But my “stuff” means something to me.  That double stroller saved me from going into the mental institution (and it cost $300) – I really cannot throw it out.

So – I give some stuff away and donate some stuff – and time and time again, because I never learn – I attempt to bring things to the children’s consignment store.

This week – in an attempt to clear out space in the basement – I brought some larger items that I have been hanging onto for no apparent reason.

These places are horrible – they always have a reason to not take your things – and if they do – they give you approximately a nickel for it. 

I keep going back like an idiot.

I think I finally learned my lesson.

First off - there’s the preparation.  Every item that has been chewed and barfed on and colored on – has to be spit-shined and look brand new.

Then I have to park my car and hold my kids’ hand while juggling huge baby swings and rocking horses into the store. 

When I was doing this – I saw another woman getting out of her car and going frantically into her trunk attempting to get stuff out quickly while her baby cried in the backseat.

Then when you get everything into line – they tell you to come back in an hour and half.  When you come back they tell you to come back in an hour.  When you come back again – they say they will give you $10.50 for half of your stuff (which the total retail value is $500.00) - and the other half needs to be juggled back to the car – and brought to the goodwill.

Meanwhile – in the midst of that exact scenario happening to me (which is actually a success with this store believe it  or not) – I saw a couple pull up in a pick-up truck FILLED with baby stuff.  Swings, strollers, high chairs, bouncy seats, exersaucers, you name it. The woman was in the back of the pickup – wiping everything down and the man was unloading it all and bringing it into the store. 

They finally got everything in while I was waiting in line.  The woman was hunched over the high chair out of breath and sweating while her husband spoke with the woman at the counter. 

Do you know they said they already had too much of all the items and to bring them back in a couple of months??

I thought the lady was going to cry.

Then I left – and the other woman who had been so focused on getting her “stuff” out of the car had locked her keys in the car with her baby!!!!

She was now crying and looking into the window at her crying baby while a policeman tried to jimmy the lock.  Don’t worry – she got all her baby crap out ready to be consigned!!

When I saw that – I realized.  We are all insane!!

Why do we do it? Why are we baby hoarders?

It’s just not worth it. 

Now in the interest of not being a hoarder …..I am going to give something away for free!!!!

Remember last week I spoke about the LEGO KidsFest which will be coming to Hartford, CT from December 2nd to December 4th??

Well it’s time for my LEGO KIDS FEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

To enter you must leave me a comment (preferably about how funny I am and how much you love me;)) – and then share or like me on Facebook!!

The winner will be chosen randomly and win 2 tickets to the:

Lego Kids Fest -Sunday Session 2 (December 4th – 3:00 PM to 7:30 PM) (worth $20 a piece)

Good Luck Lady Goo Goo Gaga fans!!!

Power back on!! House still a mess :(


If  you are like me you still have a rotten pumpkin on your front steps and cob webs in your bushes. 

If you have ventured out to the world of retail – you would find that not only is Halloween over – but we have skipped right over Thanksgiving and started the Christmas cheer earlier than ever!! 

Apparently now the shelves of Milky Ways and candy corn are wiped clean and immediately replaced with stocking holders and candy canes!

This gives me anxiety.

I mentioned that I sometimes fall behind on housework and get overwhelmed with my hectic schedule…right?

So – my house was a shit-hole and the laundry was to the ceiling
and the dishwasher was filled with dirty dishes and then ……the power went out for 10 days!! 

So when it finally came on – it was basically a vile disgusting ice-box filled with dust and soot from the fireplace. 

Oh yeah – and the laundry went to the ceiling at this point.

Oh yeah – and the refrigerator was stone-cold empty – like we just moved in.

And add to this that apparently it’s Christmas.

Not only do I have to remove my Halloween decor and start decorating for Christmas – but I have start throwing out all my kids toys!!!

You heard me correctly – In order to maintain some sort of order around here – I like to throw out the kids toys a little bit everyday.  This way we have more room for new stuff they get for Christmas.

Nothing crazy – I’m not a horrible person….just McDonald’s toys, games and puzzles with missing pieces, any Nerf items, etc.

This was much easier when the kids were little and they didn’t
really know what they had.  Also - toys were on the larger side – so I could easily make room by throwing out stuffed animals or blocks.

I remember before I had kids watching “Everybody loves Raymond” and thinking this mother is a total asshole – her house is disgusting filled with hideous junk and toys…and her stairs were always filled with stuff.  I couldn’t watch it.

I vowed I would never have a house that looked like that.

Yeah right.

Can you believe that weird little pile of toys behind them used to irk me - and now I can only dream of having a house this nice and clean.......Sorry for judging you Deb

When the kids were little I felt like the walls of my already small house were closing in on me.  As rooms became filled with swings and jumpers and high chairs – I would dream of the day I could throw it all out and my home would go back to normal.

Instead what actually happened is that all that “stuff” got replaced by more “stuff,” but it just got a lot smaller and smaller.

And just when you thought little itty-bitty pieces couldn’t get any
smaller……enter the LEGO.

As a girl – I was never a big fan of the LEGO.

Just looking at the LEGO “map” of directions is enough to make me have a stomachache and break out into a cold sweat.

I make Mr. Gaga do all LEGO building – and I just frantically try to keep things in order by putting all the pieces in the correct labeled Tupperware container.

Inevitably they make their way out of the containers and ALL OVER THE HOUSE.

[/caption

I step on at least one sharp piece a day in my bare feet. 

I find them everywhere.

I found this pirate and his capsized boat in my coffee last week....

This is what I want to see when I get my period......

They are in my UGGS, in the shower, camouflaged in every rug, on the back of the toilet, under every bed…..

And magically – both kids actually know where each piece
belongs.

The other day I was vacuuming on our first day of power and I actually said,

“Who’s wig and handcuffs are these?”

So now we have pirates, Star Wars and S&M LEGOS........

Sam said “Oh that’s my LEGO police hair and cuffs,” matter-of-factly as he plucked them out of my hand.

I don’t know where he put them.

I will probably step on them tomorrow.

So this whole story is leading up to how excited my kids are going to be to go to the LEGO KidsFest in Hartford, December 2nd through the 4th. 

What’s even more exciting is that next week I am going to give away a pair of tickets to the LEGO KidsFest to one of my loyal fans!!!

Stay tuned!!

In the meantime – can you please click on the banner below!! You won’t win anything except my love:) XOXO LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

Linking to shell at http://www.thingsicantsay.com

Storm Alfred is a M$#*f*&^er and other lessons learned this week…..


I have learned some important lessons while living in Connecticut this week without power. This is DAY 9!!!!  Tomorrow will be DAY 6 of no school!!!!

Can you believe it??

Thank Jesus – my mother had power – so as a result there have been anywhere from 6 to 10 people living with her all week. 

Here are some Life Lessons learned throughout this trying time:

LIFE LESSON #1 – NOBODY CARES ABOUT CONNECTICUT:

I know people from NY and NJ who think Connecticut is just one big Greenwich.  If that’s what people in the tri-state area think – I can only imagine what people from Kansas think. 

Is that why nobody cares that we are basically in complete and utter devastation and have no hot water and no heat and the temperature has been in the 20′s some nights?

Is it because you all think of us as people wearing Lily Pulitzer cardigans, wearing a headband and UGGS sitting by the fire with our Burberry blanket and our lap-dog?

This is me with some of the gals from my book club during the summer when we had power.....

 

Rest assured that we are not all “Greenwich.” – Not even close.

We are tired, cold, filthy and hungry  fat (because Halloween got cancelled so we ate all of the candy because we are depressed!!!)

So there is nothing more offensive than when you wake up from your “bed” (AKA – couch at your mother’s house or sleeping bag on the cold floor) to see Kris Kardashian discussing the breaking news of her daughter’s 72 hour marriage or her new book about her life.

Listen – I have been known to “keep up with” a Kardashian or two – but really????

We are in utter devastation and I have to look at this??

And by the way - what the fuck is she wearing??? Is she like rubbing it in that we are Amish now???

LIFE LESSON #2 -  A CARBON MONOXIDE ALARM CAN ACTUALLY SAVE YOUR LIFE:

Upon sleeping in front of a fire for night #1  – we decided it would be good to hook up the generator and plug-in a space heater and a couple of other things.  Well apparently you cannot start a generator in your driveway and keep the window open a crack for the wire to plug-in your fridge.  I found this out when my trusty carbon monoxide alarm went off and I ran screaming from the house and threw my kids outside into the snow in their pajamas.

“Oh my god – we almost just all fell asleep and died!!” I said to my husband in disbelief.   Several people have died or become ill in Connecticut due to this exact problem – I cannot believe I was smart enough (ok – it was probably Mr. Gaga) to install a carbon monoxide alarm and it actually saved our lives!!!  If you don’t have one – get one ASAP.

3- LIFE LESSON #3 – CHARGE YOUR SHIT.

Charge your devices people.  There’s nothing more disturbing than the power going out and when your kids want to talk,  read a book,  use the IPAD, use their Leapster, or use the Nintendo DS, all of said devices need to be charged.

I know what you are thinking – “Oh -  I would let them play with my phone.”

Um, make sure those are charged too.

And if your phone is charged use it sparingly.  In the cold, dark hours I became quite particular about who I could speak to and for how long.  Most conversations have gone as follows:

“Do you have power?”

“No. Do you?”

“No.”

“When do you think we will get it back on?”

“I don’t know – I haven’t seen any workers, have you?”

“No.”

“I am going to go to the mental institution now.”

“Ok – tell me when you get power.”

“Ok – you too.”

“Bye.”

You can’t be talking in circles like this with every neighbor or friend – when you have one bar left on your phone!!!

After a couple of days – we were tired and had negative bars – we were down to texting….

“P?”

“N.”

WTF!!!!

LIFE LESSON #4 – KERATIN IS MY FRIEND:

I have gotten the  Brazilian blowout version of the Keratin treatment necessary to have sleek smooth hair.  I have not invested the money or time to get the full treatment – and my blowout from JUNE! is long-gone.  As a result my hair is frizzy and disgusting without serums, blowdryers, and flat-irons.

When my husband hooked up the generator the fact that he didn’t even question me when I plugged in the coffee pot and the flat-iron first – indicates to me that it was a dire situation.  I looked like a lunatic.

This is me waiting for my husband to hook up the generator.....

 
 
LIFE LESSON #5 – MOTHERHOOD IN 2011 ISN’T THAT BAD AFTERALL…..
 
Now that my friends and I have experienced motherhood – Ma Ingalls-style – I have realized that things are not so bad for us after all….
 
Our children get to do luxurious things like go to sleep in a bed away from a fire, and not wearing a coat and 50 blankets.
 
They get to play video games and watch movies and television all day!! 
Is that so bad???
 
Now that we have lived without it – I have realized that the television is a beautiful and wonderful device that is nothing but a help in our plight as mothers. 
 
We should stop talking about how bad it is. 
 
We should embrace it and love it. 
 
Personally – when I get power back – I am going to french-kiss mine.
 
Now – on that note – I am off to drink alcoholic beverages.   This is what I do now.  Next time I go to the doctor and fill out one of those questionnaires I won’t be able to fill out the bubble for moderate drinking….I am going to have to go ahead and fill in the “one or more a day” bubble……Great.
 
 I AM NOW SCHEDULED TO GET POWER SOMETIME BETWEEN TOMORROW AND WEDNESDAY….THAT WILL BE A TOTAL OF 10-12 DAYS!!!!   FOR THE LOVE OF GOD -THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS CLICK THE BANNER BELOW FOR ME…..
 
 
 
 

Guest host at Haute Mom!


I am the guest host today at Haute Mom with Mackey’s Moments.

This little mid-week fun will help me while I wait for my power to go back on - WHICH HAS BEEN OFF SINCE SATURDAY and has been reported to be restored BY SUNDAY!!!

Come check out the Welcome Wednesday blog hop by clicking the button below!

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