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Jingle Hell


So – I signed up a while ago to a service in town – where moms could receive emails regarding pertinent information about children, parenting etc.  Some reasonable uses of the service would be say – “Does anyone know the best pediatric dentist in town?” or “Where is a good place to go for piano lessons?” or “Has anyone ever been to the indoor water park in Waterbury?”

Many people for one reason or another ask inappropriate questions and what I consider inappropriate requests to  a community of unknown mothers in town.  The constant stream of ridiculous emails is enough to send you off the deep end – see below for the latest offense this week (and for those of you who still think I make this stuff up – this is word-for-word!!:

Subject: Advice

>

> You all have been great in giving advice in the past that I thought I’d

run something by you. What do you tell a 2-yr old about Santa? I would like for him to believe in Santa but my husband says that there’s no reason for him to.  That he should know that we buy his gifts because we love him. Has anyone else made the decision to tell their kids that Santa isn’t real? What did you say and  what  was the outcome?

Also…does anyone know where I can get K-Cups (for a Keurig coffee maker)

for a cheaper price? At the grocery store they’re $8.99 for

a box of 12 and I was informed today that they’re going up.

Thanks in advance! You all are awesome! Love, Jenny

>

Hi Jenny – Thanks for calling us all awesome!!

You know who is not awesome?

You!

Just so you know – it’s September!!  And Christmas is not really top on everyone’s to-do list but since you asked……

Many families were grappling last week with remembering the loss of loved ones on September 11th, and probably
thinking about one day explaining this horrible day to their children. 

In this economy, I know many families who are struggling with telling their kids that they might not have any presents at Christmas because their mom or dad (or both) have lost their job. 

Nationwide – parents will be figuring out where Christmas will be this year because their home was washed away in a flood or hurricane or lost in a foreclosure. 

But your husband is right!!

You should totally shower your 2-year-old child with
“gifts of love” and then tell him they are all from you!!

We live in a nation that at the 10-year anniversary of September 11, 2001 is still at war, close to 10 percent of our nation is unemployed,  millions don’t have access to healthcare while facing deadly incurable diseases like cancer and AIDS, 1 out of 110 children are diagnosed with autism and global warming is destroying or ending people’s lives all over the world.

That being said – I can totally see why what little happiness your child might have before facing the harsh
realities of adulthood, should be ripped away from him – all so he can properly thank your husband for the $200 of Little Tykes crap he bought at the Toys R’ Us.

I mean really – why should Santa get all of the credit?

And by the way your husband sounds like a real peach!  Wherever did you find him? It’s so rare to find a good man who is not an ego-maniac!! Lucky!!

He also sounds super-intelligent and super in-touch with childhood development.  Does he have a PhD in this subject?  

I know that he is so looking forward to the day when he can announce to a group of people that he has chosen to ruin his child’s life  tell his child that there is no such thing as Santa  – so that everyone knows that he is “above” such silly rituals.

Oops – small problem – Jenny!  Your douche-bag super-awesome hubby – failed to read the chapter in his PhD textbook that discussed the fact that 2 -year- olds…..(and I quote from a real medical textbook on childhood development)

pg. 201- “Don’t give two flying fucks who gave them the Little Tykes crap.”

They don’t even get the concept of receiving a gift yet  – so when you have this all-important convo to break the bad news…..guess what?

You will have the same convo next Christmas when he’s three – and then probably again when he’s four.

He will not even remember your “love gifts”  – let alone who gave them to him.

Oh – and Jenny – one more thing – when you have this sit-down – could you do us a favor and let him know that you 2 are the only ass-hats that are doing this?

The rest of us quite enjoy lying to our kids and letting them experience little emotions called “joy” and “wonderment” and don’t need you and your tortured child ruining it.

Thanks!! That would be super-awesome!

In closing – I see you had a little question about coffee cups!  Who doesn’t right? LOL!

Well – I notice that you sent your email via Blackberry – which means that you’re savvy enough to use modern technology – but what you might not realize is that there is this little thing called a newspaper.

Inside it – usually once a week – you will find something called a circular! Each store actually lists their sale items using photos as well as extra-large bold text that will state the sale price – like
$1.99!!!!!

Oh - by the way - I had a sec - and I googled Keurig sale - and it said there were about 1,200,700 results you dumb bitch.......

It is super-easy to read and very user-friendly – maybe even more so than your Blackberry!

If you feel like you still cannot find a good price for your Keurig coffee cups – don’t hesitate to shoot us another email.  We will all stop what we are doing  (you know because we are all stupid morons that believe in Santa) and find the best price for your coffee!!

Hope this helps!

Your friend – LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PS – I sent a copy of your email to Santa – and this was his reply – ( he asked that I pass it along to you)
:

>

>Do you see how passionate I am about the happiness and welfare of children????  You should click this banner for me – just sayin…..

ALSO – IF YOU LIKE THIS -PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK BY CLICKING THE SHARE BUTTON AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE AND HIT FACEBOOK – LET’S GET THE WORD OUT THAT IT IS NOT OK TO TORTURE TWO-YEAR OLDS!!!!!!

Thank you!!!!!!

 

Linking to  Pour your Heart Out

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43 responses »

  1. This is your best one yet!

    Reply
  2. You are delightfully cranky. I love it

    Reply
  3. That was hilarious!!!!! loved it!

    Reply
  4. You are hysterical!

    Reply
  5. f-ing hyesterical!

    Reply
  6. They should totally hire you as their official responder.

    Reply
  7. Very funny. Where do these people come from? I know you probably didn’t send it, but someone like that deserves to read it.

    Reply
  8. Hilarious , still laughing!

    Reply
  9. What random questions for her to send to the group!

    Reply
  10. Wow! You tell her, Lady Goo Goo Ga Ga! Put that lady in her place! Ha!

    Reply
  11. Oh. No. You. Di’nt.

    I rarely literally laugh out loud, but just did. I want to marry you.

    Reply
  12. How funny. She wanted someone else to make those decisions for her.

    Reply
  13. you my friend are hilarious. You should totally reply to her by sending a link to this post.

    Reply
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  15. I couldn’t comment when I originally read this but let me tell you…it made my WHOLE morning!
    You cannot make this shit up it is so.good.

    Reply
  16. Definitely one of my all time favorites…. that post was freaking hilarious. What a dumbass.

    Reply
  17. Dear Lady Goo Goo Gaga,
    I know you answered the Santa question, but what about the Easter Bunny? Those Peeps I buy my kids every year set me back a whole dollar, and I want the credit. Not the Easter Bunny.

    Also? Can you tell me where I can find Hanes socks on sale?

    Thanks!

    Clare

    Reply
  18. Do you live in Pleasantville?

    Reply
  19. Enjoyed it!

    Reply
  20. Are you freaking kidding me??? I still believe in Santa !!!!! I want my future grand kids to believe in him, or else what’s left for us old folks to do with young kids? We always tell them lies, as parents and grand parents. That’s life honey!!!!!
    P.S. There is a place call BJ’s, you can totally get everything cheaper too!!!!!

    Reply
  21. Stopping over from LBS. I really like your attitude. Don’t stupid self-centered people just make you want to slip some arsenic into their cute little Keurig coffee makers. Make a whole pot…..loser !! Have a great weekend.

    Reply
  22. Visiting from LBS and loving your perspective – and rant! I’m nearly 46, and I believe in Santa more than I did when I was 6; not because of the gifts, either. ;-)

    Reply
  23. I laughed the whole time reading this!!!

    Reply
  24. I am pretty sure that you are my new girl crush. I LOVED the “quote” from the textbook. That had my guy looking at me like I was insane for having a snort-giggle at the computer.

    I really hope you responded to this asshole’s question.

    Reply
  25. What a hoot! Found you via the ladybloggersteaparty. I’ve stumbled you too

    Reply
  26. You are too fricken funny ladygoogoogaga!

    Reply
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  29. Hysterical post! Hey – and If any of you guys want to contact Jenny directly, I’ve got her number: 867-5309.

    Reply
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