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Terrified by the Dashboard Lights


Where did I leave off ?……Oh right…I did a kind act for my child and was rewarded with my “mom car” blowing up. 

The “check engine” light is flashing, a dinging noise is chiming repeatedly and another symbol is lit up on the dashboard which (a quick perusal of my car manual tells me) means essentially “Run for your life!”

So what did I do?

I drove home.  I was so close – I had to do it.

I arrived home without the car blowing up.

I was near hyperventilation.  The kids were still crying about Superman.

The “mom car” had to go in the shop for repairs.  This hellish week of back-to-school and my husband’s crazy schedule, we couldn’t have only one car. My husband borrowed someone’s car and let me use his.

It was glorious.

His car is nothing fancy.   But for starters, it’s a car and it’s not red.  It’s pretty fast and it has a leather interior and heated seats.

He watched me as I was getting acclimated, adjusting the seat and changing the mirrors.  I looked up at the rearview mirror and remembered that I can possibly get some tanning done in this vehicle.  I started thinking I should just keep this as my car.

“Look you even have a skylight in here!! It’s not fair!” I said pouting.

He looked at me with disgust.

“Ok – at least get the lingo right – It’s a sunroof.”

“Oh right – apparently my “mom car” is making me stupid……I am keeping this for my car now, you can have mine.”  I said matter-of-factly.

I think he didn’t really take me seriously the first day.  But by the end of the 10- day period of time that my car was in the shop, I had a new lease on life and there was absolutely no way I was giving him his car back. 

I can feel my youth in his car.  I am lower to the ground than I have been in 6 years.  It’s not depressing and sad like my “mom-car.”   I don’t chug along dropping kids off at school or going to the store. 

I zip.

I zip to the store in my sporty little car.  I open the skylight and crank up the music. I don’t have room for more than 3 kids and a stroller can’t even fit in the trunk if I tried.

It’s wonderful.

Not to mention that I have paid my dues in the offensive automobile department.  My father gifted me with my first car which was a powder blue Chrysler Holiday.   It was mortifying and ruined my life for a short period until I totaled it on purpose  in a horrible accident – (but everyone was ok thank goodness.)

I actually couldn’t even find a picture of this ridiculous hunk of shit - but this is the closest image I could find – just to give you an idea of what my Dad thought would be appropriate for his daughter to drive to a New England prep school where all the children drove BMW’s.

Picture this in powder blue....

After that I used my father’s Ford Taurus station wagon to get around for a while until he replaced my “Holiday” with a Mercury Topaz from the 80′s. 

This is what it looked like - but don't worry I tinted the windows and got some bitchin' hubcaps to spif it up....

After that I spent a few years driving a red Ford Escort, and then finally got a little sporty car that I liked. 

Guess what happened when I paid off that car and was loving life?

I had a baby and spent the next 6 years rocking a “mom-car.”

One day when we were fist-pumping (through the sunroof!!!) to the music, with the wind from the open window blowing my hair – Michael asked “Mommy when are you getting your car back?”

I turned down the radio – “This is my car.” I answered.

“No it’s not!” he said. I stopped at a light and looked back at both kids.

“Yes it is – and do you seen how clean and luxurious it is?  Do you see how it seems as if the person who owns this car has no children?” I asked.

They both nodded their heads “yes.”

“Ok – it’s going to stay that way. No more eating in the car.  No more leaving Lego guys and itty-bitty GI Joe guns and loose crayons in the car.  I want this car to always seem like there are never any kids in it….Got it?”

They agreed to this. 

By the time my car came back from the shop – my husband had resigned himself to driving the “mom-car” full-time.

Next step – making the full swap of the cars.  Out came the shop-vac and garbage bags and my husband went to work cleaning out the “mom-car.” 

It didn’t go well.

“This is disgusting, how could you live like this?” he said several times throughout the day.

“This car has been with me for some rough years!!  Children have grown up in it!  They have eaten and barfed and pooped in it!   Your car is so nice because you only had children in it like twice.  Drive a mile in my mom-car shoes and then we will talk, and I am sorry I didn’t have time to “Armor-all” the car – because I was busy BREASTFEEDING!!!”

Whenever I need to defend myself – I usually try to work in the breastfeeding and then I automatically win the argument.  Even though I haven’t breastfed in 3 1/2 years – it actually is still effective!!

Finally I took my lipglosses and sunglasses and any other essentials and gave him his cologne and EZ PASS and we were swapped!  I felt such a weight off of my shoulders.

And really it is for the best.  If I don’t nip this in the bud right now – I could end up in one of those things for the rest of my life! I could be bringing them to college in a van!! I could be picking them up and 32 friends from the movies!!

That wouldn’t be good for my mental health.

If this "mom car" thing continues - this will be me picking up my kids when they are on a date .....and then nobody will be happy.

Why should I drive a “mom car?”  Haven’t I done enough?  

It’s not enough that I am permanently fat and unpleasant?

I have to wake up everyday and get into some sort of red mini-van that’s filled with smashed up goldfish, sand, and toys?

 I don’t have a dog. 

I don’t have 4 children.  

Why am I driving this thing again?

Oh right …..I’m not.

It was hurting my feelings – and I feel much better now.

I know it’s a bit of a pain – but if you have a minute please vote for me as one of PARENTS MAGAZINE’S FUNNIEST MOM BLOGS!!

AND IF YOU CAN’T DO THAT YOU CAN VOTE FOR ME AS ONE OF THE TOP  MOMMY BLOGS….I AM VERY POPULAR:)

Linking to Shell at Things I Can’t Say and Boobies, Babies and a Blog and

Seven Clown Circus

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30 responses »

  1. you had me at fist pumping through the sunroof

    Reply
  2. My husband doesn’t understand how much junk can possibly get on the bottom of our car either. I’m pretty sure it’s called “having young kids.”

    Reply
  3. When my kids were little my husband got me a car that had a hole on the passenger side floor. He told me not to worry and that I should make sure the kids only sat in the back. Kudos to your husband; sounds like a really nice guy.

    Reply
  4. Wait, you got the kids to agree to not eat in the car and pretend it was a car that didn’t commute kids AND you got your husband to give you the better car?? Please write this manual and I will buy it!

    Reply
  5. I’m still wondering how you managed to convince him to swap…

    Reply
  6. If this is true and he is in fact driving your car I would vote for you for so much more than Funniest Mom Blogger!

    Reply
    • Of course it’s true!!! Some people who read this blog have since seen my husband pull in somewhere in his new car and die laughing…nobody can believe it…but he is just a nice husband and I am just……..firm.

      Reply
  7. My first car was a silver 1985 Buick Park Avenue, that was about the length of the brown car you posted above. We called it The Love Boat, because it was about that big. Keep in mind I weighed all of 90 lbs in high school, and picture this tiny thing getting out of a tank each day. And I went to private school too, so all my friends had Beemers and other cool cars. It sucked.

    I’ve had mostly sensible cars in my day as a mom (no minivan though–I refused), but my newest car (just got it a month ago) is a 4-door Jeep Wrangler. I LOVE THIS THING. I highly recommend it if your kids are out of car seats (mine are 6 and 8). This car is *meant* to look dirty–the more “used” or “broken in” the better. So all the trash and school papers and mashed up cookies in the back seat only make it look cooler. :) Get one!

    Reply
  8. Popped in from SITS! This cracks me up!

    Reply
  9. My mom car(the minivan) is truly gross. And I have ZERO desire to clean it. I like to drive my husband’s car whenever I can. It’s so clean. I want to steal it.

    Though, my boys would probably have it destroyed in a week or less.

    Reply
  10. Not sure what made me laugh the most but I do know I had to change my underwear! See that is one thing you didn’t mention about the mom car? The sneezes you had while driving and wooooops you sprinkle in your undies and on your car… HAHAHA
    I do however LOVE the fist pumping and the breastfeeding! I always always ALWAYS use that LMAO… And I havent in 3 years either! LMAO…
    You are amazing and my new favorite blog!!!! I seriously will walk away feeling compelled to be half as funny as you!!!!

    Reply
    • Omg, this the best comment ever!!! Thanks so much!! And one time right after I had a baby I went on a date with my husband and laughed at something he said. I peed so much that I had to sit on a garbage bag on the car seat so I wouldn’t ruin the leather…..

      Reply
  11. Holy shit! The first 3 on your list of cars is EXACTLY the same as my first 3 cars. Also I can’t believe I never thought to use breastfeeding to win an argument or to get something I want. It’s so simple it’s brilliant!

    Reply
  12. hahaha. fist pumping through the sunroof. I would have loved to have seen that.

    Reply
  13. Ha ha! I had four kids and I never, repeat never, drove a mini van. It would have killed my image. Now I drive an SUV with a sunroof. And it’s even 4WD! I fully understand.

    Reply
  14. I have 6 children and we are a one-car family. We have a SUV with rear a/c and tinted rear windows (a must here, where inside car temperatures can reach 140º (my mom even took a thermostat in her car to see how hot hers got; hers was 135º last month!).

    The children have never been allowed to eat in the car. We allow water for drinks, but that is all. My husband and I don’t eat in the car. Toys and crayons are not allowed in the car. Books are allowed, but they have to come out when everyone gets out.

    So, even for a one-car family with 6 children 9 and under, it’s possible to keep the car clean.

    Reply
  15. I’m laughing out loud right now because my husband just got back from a business trip and I informed him I am stealing his car. Unfortunately, my story does not have your same happy ending…. my mom-chariot awaits.

    Reply
  16. Well at Least You Didn’t Have To walk. following From Friends Blog Hop. My Site http://www.Couponanna.com. Anna

    Reply
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