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Baby mama (not)

Baby mama (not)

Even though I have been waiting almost 6 years for this…now that I am not going to have any children in the 3 and under category,  I feel a little bit like a slacker. 

I know – you think I am crazy – but I feel like maybe my life isn’t as torturous as it once was, and maybe I am not allowed to complain anymore.  I mean when I see Moms lugging strollers and diaper bags into the library or the store, with bags under the eyes, it seems like a million years ago that I was in their position.  But what I would like to know is – can I still say I’m tired? Because I really am!!   I truly don’t remember the last time I wasn’t tired. 

When I am out and about in town, I wear my sunglasses at all times to not make eye contact with people I don’t like, to hide the fact that I look like a bag of shit and have had chronic dark circles for 5 years. My sunglasses of choice have been an old pair of black Pradas that are the perfect shape to cover a good portion of my face and are really dark – so nobody can see my eyeballs.  They have been sat on, dropped, thrown in the sandbox, etc.  I can barely see out of them because of all the scratches.  It’s borderline insane that I wear them, if you look at me when I’m wearing them – you will just see crazy scratch marks all over both lenses.  When people ask about the situation I just say – “I know its horrible – I just haven’t had a minute to get new glasses.”  Which is true – but what now – do I have to throw them out?  What’s my excuse why I can’t do something so simple as get a new pair of sunglasses?

"Oh hi - I'm just here to pick up my son from preschool."

Even this past Christmas – I was arguing with my brother, who just had a baby, about where we would meet in the morning to open gifts. 

“I’m not lugging my kids – taking them in and out of all of their seats and straps and carrying them into your house in the freezing cold – only to get back in the car to go to NY like an hour later.” I argued.

“What are you talking about? They are grown men! The get in and out of their booster seats by themselves and walk to the door!” he replied.

“Oh right…..Damn it!!”

Also – can I still look like shit? Or do I need to start getting my act together?  For a long time after I had S – people would ask me how old he was and I would say the wrong age.  For example, if he was 7 months I would say 3 months – so people would think I looked good for having a 3 month old.  Or my favorite was when S was 6 MONTHS OLD!  and someone asked me when I was due.  I said “Next week!” And they were like – “Oh you look so good!”

How long can I call this “baby weight?”  I think when the last child is age 4, we have officially left the “baby-weight” stage and moved into the category of “Fat person.” 

Aside from the fact that I am morbidly obese – I also think that I have to try to look a little more presentable in the wardrobe department.  When I grab a shirt (from the pile of clothes in my room that I never seem to have time to put away) if there’s something on it, I don’t think I can say “Oh….the baby must have spit up on me!” when someone notices anymore. 

In general, I have pretty much let myself go.  I used to do weekly waxing appointments for lip,chin, brows, etc. color my hair every 2 weeks, cut every 8, manicure every week.  Now the best way I can describe my maintenance schedule is by showing you the picture below of my facial hair as of last week before I finally couldn’t take it anymore and waxed it.

If I don’t have babies keeping me up all night, who am I to have this kind of moustache? Or gray roots showing?  What’s my excuse to have my feet and toenails look like my grandfather’s?

For a long time having two baby boys 18 months apart, was something that got me off the hook.  I wore my weathered, ragged look like a badge of honor.   I was such a good mother – that I only could put all my energy towards raising these babies and had no time for frivolous matters like waxing my beard or putting together a matching outfit.   I mean how does Betty Draper do it?

I guess having these kids grow up has some disadvantages.  What’s next?  I’m expected to have a clean house?

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32 responses »

  1. This is awesome you once again made me laugh sine the other day i was just showing you my mustache and my million color different hair the things you say are so true i seriously love this i too used to be tan year round nails done toes done and above all skinny now id b lucky to not have a mustache like the one above i guess i have a couple more years of looking like shit sine my son A in only 16 mths and is my first one.. i guess its one or the other great mom or super model status well talk to you sooon keep it coming

    Reply
  2. Oh this is hilarious..a perfect reflection of the way I have become!!!

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  3. I think it should be a law that if you have had a baby, you are entitled to call it baby weight. just saying…

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  4. My baby turns 3 tomorrow- and I am still planning on using the kids excuse for a long time. LOL

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  5. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!!! It is sooo true! I’m going to insist that my husband read this, so that he can see that it’s NOT just me!

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  6. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Just ask your well- adjusted kids (because of you) who love you how you look. I bet I know what the answer will be. Their answer will put everything in perspective. Also, ever hear of Spanx?

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  7. In agreeance

    Once again I managed to pee my pants while reading your blog. Yes, another problem I encountered after having babies…no Kegels. Love the hitler hair!! You’re too talented.

    Reply
  8. Pingback: Baby mama (not) | Kids say :

  9. I was starting to feel this way as my youngest is turning 2 in a couple of weeks, but then I got pregnant and a big sigh of relief emitted from my mind. Oh good, I get another couple of years to relax about the baby weight, my appearance, the amount of chocolate I eat and the lack of exercise. I know it’s going to hit me even harder though a few years from now as I am not getting any younger :) Thanks for a great post! I get my morning laugh by coming to your blog!

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  10. PLEEEEZE! You have at least 10 more years until you are expected to look good and rested … there’s at least 5 more years of pta, room mom chaos, overcommitted calendars that will no doubt give us gray hair and stress (resulting in eye bags). They might be out of diapers but next there will be dating, prom, driving, broken curfews = all resulting in sleepless nights.
    See what we have to look forward to? Ugh. I think I’ll take the baby spit up.

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  11. Oh my GA GA! I am so happy I have found you! I found you through your comment on the Lady Blogger Society page, I wanted to see what a fellow rookie was up to!!!! LOVE IT, though I am far from the days of being without a constant trail of baby vomit on my clothing, I am looking forward to being a “slacker!” SPOILER ALERT: YOU AREN’T A SLACKER!

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    • Lol, thanks for your support!! I’m going to come check you out for sure after such a great comment!! Lol…I think I’m going to start saying “oh my gaga!!” love that!

      Reply
  12. You have me cracking up! I am so disheveled like 95% of the time. and of course my best friend is fabulous and has 3 kids 3 and under! gross! I’m a mess with just one!

    Found you on themomblogs.com

    I have a blog too: Real Housewife of New Haven County @ newhavenhousewife.blogspot.com

    Stop by, I will definitely be reading more of your blog!

    Reply
  13. My oldest is 10 and i am convinced that when they all reach 10, Life might be a little bit easier. Although he still bugs me when i am in the bathroom. As for the waxing and weight loss (for me)…I choose to look like a fat hairy beast because I give the money that I could use, to the kids. See so one way or another they suck the cool from us:)

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  14. Oh my god – I thought I was the only one who lied about the baby’s age so someone might think I actually look good. I wonder how many people have been on to me this whole time?

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  15. I’m in the same boat, except I have an 8 month old so I still can make excuses. =) but I was making them still when I didn’t have her yet and my son was already 3. And I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t still be wearing my maternity skirt to work, 8 months later.

    Reply
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