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TEN THINGS I AM NOT THANKFUL FOR…


Everyone is blogging about what they are thankful for…This is my post from last year about what I am NOT thankful for…

I drove by two men riding their bikes in the middle of the road as though they were driving Range Rovers instead of ten-speed bikes today.  Whenever this happens I honk my horn and give them a finger while loudly screaming out the window “YOU ARE NOT A CAR!!! STOP PRETENDING YOU ARE A FUCKING CAR!!”

If it's girls on the bikes I yell "Get out of my way you fucking whores!!" But only if the kids aren't with me.

If it’s girls on the bikes I yell “Get out of my way you fucking whores!!” But only if the kids aren’t with me.

After that – it got me thinking…I think it’s high time someone blogged about what they are NOT thankful for…and who better to do it than Lady Goo Goo Gaga?

TEN THINGS I’M NOT THANKFUL FOR:

1 – See above about the people on the bikes…

2 -People that announce what they are thankful for: 

To me these people belong in the same category as the “blessed” people.  We know you are thankful and blessed.  We know that you have a great life..a great hubby…your cat is super awesome, you’re super awesome and your kids are on the honor roll, are black belts in karate and speak Japanese….

We don’t care.  Keep your blessings and thankfulness to yourself.

3 – People who live in the Northeast yet continually feel compelled to discuss the weather:

Ok, here’s the deal, if you live in Connecticut or anywhere in the Northeast portion of the country – I am fairly certain this isn’t your first rodeo.  You know that after Halloween things are pretty much all downhill in the weather department.

You also knowingly have made an educated choice to live here for some reason.  You received information at some point in your life about the four seasons, you have seen weathermen with yardsticks measuring several feet of snow and for some unthinkable reason at some point in your life you said to yourself, “I think I am going to reside in Connecticut!!”

So after all of that, please explain to me why on earth you insist on waking up everyday, putting on a puff jacket, and a hat and gloves and to every human being you see, you exclaim “Can you believe how cold it is? I can’t believe it!!!”

Why can’t you believe it?  Why not? You knew this would happen….you knew!!!  Please don’t wake up everyday from October to May and pretend you are shocked and surprised about what’s happening.

 4- People who read and enjoy 50 Shades of Grey:

I might be beating a dead “anal bead” with this one but I just cannot get over it.  Just the other day someone mentioned it and said she was thinking about reading it and I got angry all over again.  I just am not thankful for this book or for the author.  She has done women and readers across the land a huge disservice.

5 – People who can’t drive when the sun is setting:

I drive a lot for work.  I value my time and am usually already pretty annoyed that I am spending a lot of time on the road.  There are inevitably accidents, construction and other disturbances that can cause traffic jams.

Often there will be a huge backup of cars and my commute will be extended by 45 minutes to an hour.  I will honk my horn and curse and smash my head on the steering wheel…sometimes I cry.

When this happens, it only makes it so much worse to find out that it is all because the sun is setting.

GET A FUCKING PAIR OF RAYBANS AND DRIVE YOUR FUCKING VEHICLE EVERYBODY!

Did you ever hear the phrase “Driving off into the sunset?”  Ok it’s a phrase that we are familiar with because PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME! THEY DRIVE INTO the SUNSET.

Oh and do you know above your head there’s a little flap that you can fold down?

IT’S A SUN VISOR!.

USE IT YOU STUPID MORONS.

I cannot even begin to tell you how furious I become when this happens….not thankful for people who don’t have sunglasses…..not thankful at all.

6 – Moustaches:

I know that recently some clever person has fooled us all into thinking that moustaches are cool and trendy, but let’s be real. Nothing good has ever come from having a moustache.

Trust me as someone who has one…they are not fun or cute.  They are not trendy or clever or cool.

They are nothing but a nuisance.  To top things off it’s MOVEMBER – so Mr. Gaga is sporting a pretty nasty looking stache’ to raise money for prostate cancer and it’s just gross.  Who could argue the case to say that moustaches are cool??

This morning there were actual eggs stuck in Mr. Gaga’s moustache….I think that’s all that really needs to be said.

nails

earrings

I mean how did this even start??

And for the love of God ….when will it end?

lights

7 – The Kardashians

It’s enough.  I was all for watching their reality show 18 years ago when it all started….

Enough is enough.

Now we have to be subjected to looking at Kim and her huge ass trotting around with Kanye West every two seconds, Khloe chasing around Lamar in various crystal meth dens in L.A. and (in the latest instance of Kris Jenner selling her child down the river) little Kendall Jenner showing her boobs on Instagram.

kendall-jenner-gets-modeling-deal-after-showing-nipples-2

These people give me the kreeps!!!

When will this kalamity kome to a klose?

8 – Santa Ruiners:

This time of year we have to be on our toes.  There are many people in town who seem determined to scream from the rooftops that there is no Santa.

Of course there was the infamous woman in my mom’s group many years ago that wanted to inform her two- year-old that Santa didn’t exist.

And then there’s just dumb kids whose parents don’t instruct them to not talk about Santa inappropriately at school.

Then there’s dumb kids that literally just don’t know any better.

My son recently gave a pencil to each kid in his class because we had about 500 pencils in the kitchen drawer(remind me to blog about pencils another day by the way.)

He came home and told me that a little girl came up to him and held her pencil out with disgust.  She apparently didn’t like the pencil because she wasn’t familiar with the cartoon character on it.

“Who’s this?” she asked with disgust.

hand_carved_santa_pencils_0148e478

Really??

I get it…you don’t celebrate Christmas but really?? You don’t know who this guy is?

Have you entered a mall of any kind between November to January?

Have you watched the Macy’s Day Parade or Home Alone?

Do you see people with white beards and red hats everywhere??

What do you mean “Who’s this?”

9 – Stores that are open on Thanksgiving:

What has this world come to?

The American tradition is to eat as much food as is humanly possible.  When you are about to burst, take a nap.

Wake up from your nap.

Eat more.

Eat dessert…..for the second time that day.

Go back to bed.

Wake up early in the morning.  Drive to nearest Best Buy, Walmart or Target.  Trample as many human beings as it takes to get to the largest, widest screen television you can find.  Purchase said television along with some toys, an Ipad, an Ipod, a kindle and an XBox.

Go home, eat leftovers and take a nap.

I’m sorry – I just don’t know why we would mess with a perfectly good system.

These people seem perfectly happy shopping on Friday...I don't see why we need to change anything.

These people seem perfectly happy shopping on Friday…I don’t see why we need to change anything.

10 – People who write me hate mail:

Especially those of you who are going to send me messages and comments this week about what a horrible person I am and how I should be thankful and happy and blessed and blah blah blah.

I’m thankful for many things….it’s just that….

That’s not funny.

Lighten up people!!! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!  PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK...PEOPLE MIGHT BE SICK OF ALL THE THANKFULNESS!!!  XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Stuff I’m thankful for….the FROZEN edition.


Thanksgiving week is a time that we start to shit our pants because Christmas will be here in about 3 1/2 weeks and we have to spend all of our money on random people   appear festive at work parties   set the elf on fire    shop.

It is also a time that we all start to think about what we are thankful for.  It’s a great time to reflect on our year, our friends and family.

There’s a LOT that I am thankful for.

But this year more than ever there are few things that are the top of the list of “What I am Thankful For,” and it’s mostly to do with the fact that I have two little boys.

I love them because they are my children.

But I also especially love them because they are boys.

Yup.

There I said it.

I am thankful I don’t have girls.

#1 – I am thankful that I have boys instead of girls because they love me more than a girl would….

Boys just love their mother.  I wake up many mornings and stumble into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror and am very alarmed by what I see.

Most mornings I look in the mirror and say “Holy fucking shit – I look old.”

I actually used to be hot....

I actually used to be hot….

 

I stumble downstairs to make breakfasts and lunches and scream at my kids to brush their teeth.

And without fail…

No matter how puffy and wrinkled and hideous I am …

They tell me they love me and they tell my I’m the most beautiful woman in the world….

Girls would never do that.

I know.

I am one.

#2 I am thankful to have boys because they don’t speak.

They are fucking loud.

Don’t get it twisted.

The noise in the Gaga household is deafening.

My house is trashed.

Anything I care about has to be locked away for fear of destruction.

They destroy everything I own.

Cars…. furniture….. clothes…… my soul.

They never shut the fuck up.

But even though they are making a lot of NOISE.

They actually aren’t SAYING anything.

It’s all just drums, farts and yells.

If I ask them how their day was they say. “Fine.”

If I try to engage in any sort of actual conversation they get very hostile….

napoleon-dynamite-gif-whatever-i-feel-like-i-wanna-do-gosh

 

But the other side of that coin is that I don’t really have to listen to them “chat.”

Girls “chat.”

Girls whine.

Girls talk shit about their friends.

Girls cry.

Girls get their feelings hurt and want to talk about it.

I am just so happy to be the only girl in the house to chat, whine and talk shit about people.  I just basically drink wine and talk into the air because nobody here is listening or engaging in any conversation with me.

And that works.

So the moral to that story is….I drink a lot of wine by myself….

coxwine

 

Then I feel fat and guilty and drunk.

I can then actually announce to my household, “I am fat, guilty and drunk!” and nobody cares!!

Because they are watching football and playing video games and ignoring me!!

That’s how we roll.

#3 I am thankful to have two boys, because they aren’t girls who want to live and breathe FROZEN!!!

If I had to deal with little girls that want to play dress up every two seconds and all of this Frozen bullshit ….I would slit my throat.

But it’s actually such a cute movie! You should watch it!” (say millions of moms of girls.)

Fuck you.

I don’t care and I am not watching it.

NO!

I step on LEGOS every two seconds and you get to hear “Let it Go” every two seconds.

That’s how it works.

My local mall had the great idea to do something extra special this year for Santa visitors.

As you wait for Santa you get to travel through a FROZEN themed wonderland!!

I cannot imagine a worse nightmare.....

I cannot imagine a worse nightmare…..

As a result of this marketing miracle …the line for Santa as soon as November 9th was 3 1/2 to 4 hours!!!  Actual human adults stand in line for that amount of time!!!   With their little honeybooboo  lookalikes  princesses dressed up like Elsa!!

Because their little princesses need to experience the magic of Frozen!!

Also, apparently it is very important that little wanna-be princesses dress like their idols.

While I usually just let my children wear costumes to trick or treat at Halloween – apparently in today’s world if you have a little girl -it is perfectly acceptable to let her wear this out in public…

Disney-Frozen-Enchanting-Dress----pTRU1-15662515dt

 

Also we live in the Northeast – and although we don’t live in the icy world of Elsa – it does get pretty cold around here…

So obviously these little snow brats     need to wear a hat.

Disney-Frozen-Tiara---Elsas--pTRU1-15662474dt

 

Even though I do have boys – I also have a niece.  So I am not completely free from the Frozen nightmare….

Even I have succumbed to this icy hell on earth.

Even I have made a frantic early morning trip to Target to secure this…

This is so your little princess can be sure she's more beautiful than any of the other preschool princesses...

This is so your little princess can be sure she’s more beautiful than any of the other preschool princesses…

However in typical Disney style – when you look in the mirror you don’t actually see your own reflection.

Oh no, Disney would never allow a little girl to actually see her own face!!

The horror!

When a little girl is lucky enough to have the “Frozen Vanity” she will look in the mirror and have the joy of seeing Elsa and Anna singing to her!!

What the fuck is going to happen to all of these little girls?

What will happen when they ever grow up and look in the mirror and see their own plain old wrinkled ass self with no tiara?

What will happen when they realize that they are just mediocre?  That the chances of ever really becoming a princess are very slim and would require moving to Jordan or Nigeria?

They will probably drink their wine alone…and talk to themselves…and be super depressed….

 

 

335573-lindsay-lohan

This life is nothing like Elsa’s……

 

 

But none of that is my problem….

And for that…I am thankful.

EVEN IF YOU HAVE GIRLS YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THIS FROZEN SHIT IS TOO MUCH!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!

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Report cards (vague cards without reports)


When I was in fourth grade, I received my first bad grade.  It was on a science test that I was completely unprepared for and my grade was a 52 % or a “U” which stood for “unsatisfactory.”

Being a shining star that always got perfect grades without even trying, I almost fainted and shit my pants when I saw that letter “U.”  I couldn’t think straight for the remainder of the class and finally, doubled over I told the teacher that I had to go to the nurse because I had a horrible stomach-ache.

My mother picked me up from the nurse’s office after the teacher told her of my “illness,” and we had a chat about preparedness.

Obviously, being a genius, I never received a “U” again until my freshman year of college.

Today, none of that would have ever happened.  Children in Goopville never receive a grade let alone a percentage!

In September, Michael entered the fourth grade.  Soon thereafter he came home with a math paper that documented how many answers he got correct on a math quiz.

54

The first time even though I was highly alarmed, I didn’t go to crazy but inquired about why he had done so poorly.

The second time I almost fainted.

39

” Oh my God! Michael! – What did your teacher say about this?” I demanded as I pulled the paper from his folder.

“I don’t know…nothing.” he shrugged as he searched for a snack.

“Oh my God! This is very bad!” I yelled.  He looked at me nervously shrugging.

I pointed to the horrific score.  “In the real world – this is what is commonly referred to as “failing.” I said gravely.  “And you are bombing out of fourth grade…You’re failing!”

I had to warn Mr. Gaga about this problem before conference week.

“We have a problem,” I warned him as we got into bed.

“What?” he asked dismissively.

“I think Michael is like not good at math or something and now he’s failing fourth grade.” I explained.

“What do you mean?” Mr. Gaga demanded and when I explained about his series of bad grades he was also concerned about the apparent failing of fourth grade that Michael was experiencing.

Normally I would attend parent-teacher conferences alone, but history has proven that I have a hard time hiding my disdain for anything that the teacher is doing that I don’t approve of.  I asked Mr. Gaga to come to the conference to be sure that we communicate properly with the teacher.  Since the common core has come to be –  I often have no fucking clue what anyone’s talking about.…plus I have “bitchy resting face” as a rule and when the teacher shows me a report card that’s filled with smiley faces or meaningless codes, I usually cannot control my facial expressions.

Chelsea-Handler-eyebrows-GIF

 

 

When we arrived at Michael’s conference I addressed my concerns about his failing math grades.

“Oh no!!” the teacher replied cheerfully.  “Michael is right where he should be!”

“But if he’s only getting 39 percent or 54 percent correct, in my world that’s not where anyone should be….” I retorted.

“Oh no, that’s not what it means.” she replied cheerfully, and went on to try to explain to me how getting 39 out of 100 is not an “F.”

 

But it clearly is….right?

I mean just to be clear….If a person gets 39 answers correct out of 100 am I correct in thinking that this person is not doing well?

If a teacher thinks that getting 39 percent correct is okay – shouldn’t I be alarmed?

Has the common core made everyone stupid? Do the teachers think that failing is ok?

What’s happening?

Is this what happens in China?

She started droning on about the common core and the standardized tests and the timing of the answers and how to go about figuring out multiplication and carrying numbers and tens places and I totally almost blacked out…and finally she was all “so Michael is a math wizard!”

If only I could say what I wanted to say…..

askedyou

 

 

But instead I just smiled and stared at her and said “Ok- great!”

Because I actually didn’t even know what to say anymore.

We went on to discuss the “report card” which in “common core world” is a series of meaningless codes to make the teacher and school look as though they are doing a great job.

In order to show progress they put the letter “P” next to each heading on the report card which stands for “progressing.”  If they put the letter “M” for “mastered” in November then it would look as though they weren’t teaching anybody anything.

I chuckled as I looked through the list of “P’s.”  They were totally inaccurate.

Many line items Michael had “mastered” in first grade – but by this teacher’s standards he was still “progressing.”

For example, Michael who stays up every single night reading for approximately 1-2 hours a night long chapter books such as Harry Potter and Lord of the Flies, received a “P” for “Reads and Comprehends a Range of Texts.”

You-are-so-fucking-stupid

So the gist of the conference was that even though I thought that he was failing math – he was in fact “right where he should be” and he still needs to work on his reading.

Then my eyes hit the one area that seemed to need improvement.

Next to the line item that said “Exhibits self control” there was a skull and crossbones 

small print that said “I hate you.” 

a number “3” which signifies that improvement is needed.

“Um…what does this mean?” I asked pointing to the scandalous mark.

“Well Michael is very aggressive.” the teacher said gravely.

“Oh my God! Is he bullying people? Is he beating people up?” I inquired nervously.

“Oh no…he is perfectly respectful and polite in class.  He is very pleasant and cooperative with his classmates and the teachers….” she said calmly.

I exhaled a little, waiting for the punch line.

“But at recess….he likes to play soccer and he’s very, very aggressive.  He wants to win at all costs!” she said seriously.  “He gets very physical and will do anything to win!” she announced gravely.

 

giphy

I just stared at her blankly thinking about what possible reaction she was waiting for.

“So…he wants to win the soccer game that he’s playing in?” he asked calmly.

“Yes, but at any cost…he gets very physical….” she said expectantly.

“Um….we encourage winning.” I said neutrally.

I tried to pretend that I cared.

chelseashrug

I am totally going to speak to him about this!

 

She kept droning on about the importance of safety at recess.  She mentioned how sometimes Michael would be trying to get the soccer ball and someone would fall and that person’s head would be right near the soccer ball! and Michael would kick the ball anyways!! Right next to someone’s head!!

chelsea-lately

 

 

I am not quite sure if Michael is smart or a huge idiot or a kind child or a violent monster.

I guess I will have to find out on my own since no teacher is ever able to relay this information to me.

Once again I have lost an hour that I will never get back.

CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME!! EVERY VOTE COUNTS!! XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Birthday Elf Boycott


The other day I was just minding my own business helping my kids pick out books at Barnes and Noble.

As they perused the new Diary of a Wimpy Kid book and some Star Wars Origami books – I looked longingly at the picture book section.   Now that they are both great readers the days of cuddling and reading a stack of picture books to them are far and few between.

Beautiful hardcover books lined the shelves, I gazed wistfully at Don’t let the Pigeon Drive the Bus and The Little Engine that Could, and thought it seemed like just yesterday that we were reading those books.  I looked at the top of the wall where the newer selections were and realized there were a bunch of books that I didn’t even recognize.

And then.

I saw something that made my stomach clench.

I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and squeezed them shut and then opened them again -to be sure I was seeing properly.

You motherfuckers.

You greedy motherfuckers.

So a couple of years ago a mother and daughter team,Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell, came up with this great idea to market the ELF ON THE SHELF at Christmas time.  As a result, they have made millions from this idea while we all run around like fucking assholes hiding a doll in our flour and in our shaving cream.

But now!! These gluttonous bitches have decided that we should also have an elf visit when it’s our child’s birthday.

You don’t actually buy a new elf.  You buy this book (to the tune of $19.99.)  The description reads, “The Elf on the Shelf: A Birthday Tradition tells the little-known story of the North Pole birthday tradition.

Do you know why it’s a “little-known story?” Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell?

Because you made it up.

If you purchase this moronic book you can read about how your Christmas elf can pay you a visit to wish you “Happy birthday.”

No.  I don't want you to come, you dick.  Stay home and like make toys or something....

No. I don’t want you to come, you dick. Stay home and like make toys or something….

Apparently with the book you get an outfit for the elf as he is wearing a cone hat and a cupcake when he arrives.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and stay the hell out of here until December.

So it’s not enough that these bitches have single-handedly ruined the joys of preparing for Christmas.  It’s not enough that we have to wake up in a cold sweat night after December night – realizing that we forgot to hide the dumb elf.

We have played your reindeer games and you have made a fortune off of us.  You dangled that little carrot and said “Buy this elf at Christmas and watch the joy and magic that your children will enjoy!” And because we are a generation of parents that will do anything – ANYTHING to make these brats happy – we played along.

But that’s not enough for you money hungry twats.

Now they want to ruin birthdays too!!  You want a piece of the action on birthdays now?

Haha! We are rich and you are poor!! Have fun hiding that doll you imbeciles!!

Here are the authors at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  I think they are saying  “Haha! We are very rich and you are very poor and stupid. Have fun hiding that doll every night for the next month you imbeciles! “

I hope to God that nobody is buying this birthday book.

I hope to God that at some point that we will all come to our senses and say “enough is enough.”

We do too much for these kids as it is for birthdays, and I include myself in the category of excessive over-the-top birthday parties fueled by Pinterest overload.

We have to stop this overindulgence.

December is just around the corner.

One month is enough for this messy, annoying, pole-dancing, flour-angel making, lazy piece of shit.

Please join me in boycotting the “Birthday Elf.”

WHAT CAN I SAY? I DON’T LIKE GREEDY PEOPLE !!! PLEASE SHARE THIS LINK ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK SO WE CAN GET THIS BOYCOTT GOING!! XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

The Sleepover


Nothing good can come of this little tradition.

I remember my first sleepover like it was yesterday.  My best friend in fifth grade invited me.  We set up our sleeping bags in the basement, her Dad gave us bowls of Doritos and Cheetos and cups of soda, and then he pressed play on the VCR.

Nightmare on Elm Street played.  I tried to keep my composure while people’s bodies were ripped to shreds.

Watching Johnny Depp get murdered and turned into a bloody geyser was not really my cup of tea ...

Watching Johnny Depp get murdered and turned into a bloody geyser was not really my cup of tea …

When it was time to go to sleep I cried and my father had to come pick me up.

After a few tries I got the hang of it but I never really loved it.  People’s houses had litter boxes that smelled, and dog hair all over their couches, sometimes my friend would have a mean older sibling or a scary parent.  Sometimes dinner would be something disgusting that I couldn’t possibly eat and sometimes I forgot my pillow or needed a blanket and the choices presented were not to my standards.

Later, I learned to ignore all of that in order to enjoy the perks of the sleepover.  Most of my friend’s parents didn’t care what we did  were not home at the time    were out to dinner a lot    where the fuck were the parents? were not as strict as mine.  The perks of the sleepovers included drinking gin from my friend’s mother’s liquor cabinet, inviting boys over, sneaking out, and never sleeping because we were calling boys on a private phone line that was installed in mine and all of my friends’ bedrooms.

"You hang up..." "No - you hang up.."

“You hang up…”
“No – you hang up..”

One time I slept at a friend’s house and we ended up in a room over her garage drinking Purple Passion and calling boys to come over.  A boy who I had been in love with since he moved to my street in the fourth grade agreed to come with some of his friends. While we waited for their arrival we laughed so hard at something that I peed in my pants.

When he finally showed up ready to make out – I had to remain aloof and seated at all times for fear that he would realize that my pants were completely soaked.

Tastes like grape soda going down - but shortly thereafter your life will be ruined and you will be vomiting like never before....

DAMN YOU PURPLE PASSION! Tastes like grape soda going down – but shortly thereafter your life will be ruined and you will be vomiting and pissing your pants  like never before….

This weekend Sam’s friends (2nd graders) were having a Halloween night sleepover and didn’t invite him.  Although I was heartbroken for him while he tried to hold back tears, I was secretly relieved to not have the dilemma of having to send him or not.   “Well – we had plans to see your cousins after trick-treating,” I reasoned with him about the sleepover.

“I could have seen my cousins and you could have dropped me off for the sleepover!” he said.

“Well – you would be tired Sam – and probably nervous to sleep away from your mother! You don’t want to sleep away from your mother do you?”

I peered into his soul and willed him to agree that he could never lay his head down on a strange pillow miles away from his loving mother.

“Well…..I love you but……..I wouldn’t mind.” he answered softly.

It was as though someone had shot me with a gun directly into my heart....

It was as though someone had shot me with a gun directly into my heart….

He wouldn’t mind???

He must not know the perils of sleeping over someone’s house!!  There could be processed foods filled with red dye and high fructose corn syrup!! There could be soda!! There could be Freddy Krueger and old stale gin!

2luvyn5

He must not have seen the episode of Beverly Hills 90210 when sweet innocent Midwestern Brenda Walsh invited Kelly and Donna for a sleepover and and Kelly’s edgy friend Amanda was there and made everyone play “Skeletons in the Closet.” Kelly ended up talking about getting raped and by the end of the sleepover they all realized that Amanda was addicted to diet pills!

Does that sound fun?? I don’t think so.

Sam doesn’t know how easy it is to be mean at sleepovers. He wouldn’t feel comfortable being in an environment where everyone is trashing someone else. For some reason it’s just so easy to prey on a weak and helpless person at a sleepover and spend the night cruelly making fun of them.

grease

Sam must not realize that sometimes when you think there is going to be sleep involved at said “sleep-over” it’s just a cover for a secret adventure.

Sometimes when someone says “Bring a sleeping bag and we will sleep outside in my back yard.” in fact they don’t intend to let you sleep in their backyard at all.

Do these boys look like they are sleeping to you? Nope - they are searching through the woods for a dead body.

Do these boys look like they are sleeping to you? Nope – they are just carrying their sleeping bags while they search through the woods for a dead body.

I don’t want to let my children sleep without me!!

Really nothing important or good comes of sleeping in someone else’s home.  Let’s face it.

The sleepover is never really safe.  It will always be loaded with fears and anxieties.

Even as adults, there are drawers involved for your toothbrush and personal items and certain protocols that have to happen.  Going home after the sleepover can be akward and sad…..

They don’t call going home after an adult sleepover “The walk of shame” for nothing people.

bridesmaids

Let’s just nip this all in the bud right now.

I am not letting my children sleep away from me until they are 21 years old.

If anyone is looking for the Gaga’s – we will be home in our own beds....where we belong!!!

bev

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE MOST DEVOTED MOTHER AND FUNNIEST MOTHER IN AMERICA!! XOXO LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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MODERN DAY HALLOW’S EVE


I am guilty of falling prey to the pressures of Pinterest.

I clearly went overboard for Michael’s Halloween party.

But there were certainly a lot of Halloween crafts and ideas that I found that I DID NOT APPROVE OF!!!

This is a reblog from last season- Enjoy!!

 

I remember when I was little on Halloween night, my father coming home from work a little bit earlier than usual and diligently carving a jack o’lantern for us.

He would work very hard and he would set aside all of the pulp and the pumpkin seeds so that my mother could toast them for later.

When he was done we would turn off the lights and marvel at how amazing and cool our pumpkin looked.

No matter what...this is waht it looked like.... Every. Year.

No matter what…this is what it looked like….
Every.
Year.

We would then go trick or treating with an old pillowcase and that was the extent of it.

We were thrilled.

Nowadays (like everything else) Halloween has turned into something that we can agonize over.

My Dad’s jack o’lantern would never live up to today’s standards.

Imagine pinning a picture of that on Pinterest??

Ha!

No way!

A regular old Jack O’Lantern with triangle eyes and nose?

That’s for amateurs….

Today’s pumpkin designers have many different ways to show off their skills….

Of course there’s the obligatory moustache pumpkin…

Um, who was the genius that decided that everything with a moustache was cool??

Um, by the way who was the genius that decided that everything with a moustache was cool??

If you have actually experienced a moustache you would know that there is truly nothing cute or cool about it…..

Then of course since we let our children have pacifiers until they are 6, we might as well give them to our pumpkins as well….

babypaci

I realized today as I walked down the Target aisles and was on Pinterest…Halloween is the new competition sport for moms.

Today’s pumpkins have become the latest tool in a mother’s race to show off how crafty and superior she is.

pumpkinwords

Not only is this mother craftier than you, she has taken it upon herself to turn her pumpkin into a learning tool as well….beat that bitches.

And if that doesn’t take up enough time out of your day, you can start on your next project that will only require you to handpaint ten pumpkins….

caterpillarpumpkin

Once you have taken care of the outside pumpkins you can move indoors where you can design fancy indoor pumpkins that will take everyone’s breath away…

pumpkinwriting

Nowadays it is totally normal to spend your days writing cryptic messages with a calligraphy pen on a white pumpkin….

When you are done decorating all of your pumpkins, maybe then you can focus what little time and energy you have left to other Halloween festivities….like making your own candy corn!

Why would you just go out and a buy a bag of candy corn for 99 cents when you can spend two solid days making your own?

Why would you just go out and a buy a bag of candy corn for 99 cents when you can spend two solid days making your own?

I have said it many times and I will say it again.

Who the fuck has this kind of time?

I have tried to imagine how I would feel if I had endless time on my hands with nothing to do.

Would I actually want to make weird pumpkins and homemade candy corn??

Maybe someday it will happen.

Maybe someday Mr. Gaga will come home after a long day’s work and walk in the door and see lots of ornate pumpkins and Halloween decor.

Hanging from the door frame right at eye level when he enters the house will be….

tamponghost

This is a tampon fashioned into a ghost.

There’s nothing left to say, except that this tampon ghost is definitely by far the scariest Halloween decoration I could ever imagine.

What is this world coming to??

PLEASE CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!

THANKS! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Top Ways for Moms to Prevent Ebola in their Family


Let’s face it – we need to take this Ebola outbreak seriously.

It’s in NYC for God sakes…the ways this can spread are endless.

As a mother I have especially been noticing some precarious situations that we put ourselves in that could potentially find us in the local Ebola Ward.

I want to share – so we can all be a little more careful:

TOP WAYS FOR MOMS TO PREVENT EBOLA IN THEIR FAMILY:

 

#1 – STEP AWAY FROM THE LEGO TABLE:

Or the Thomas the Train table or any table that small children crowd around and touch and lick various objects on said table.  I remember when Michael and Sam were little every single time they even looked at one of those tables at the book store or library they would instantly come down with croup, “hand foot and mouth disease” or a stomach bug.

Apparently Ebola makes the stomach bug look like a walk in the park.

So apparently you will be bleeding from the inside and the outside while simultaneously vomiting and having diarhea....

So apparently you will be bleeding from the inside and the outside while simultaneously vomiting and having diarrhea and the hiccups – think about that before you let your kid reach for that Lego.

#2 – STAYCATION:

I am a big fan of the staycation – which many people fault me for.  People think that being well-traveled is important. People think it is very important to see the world and learn about other cultures and lands.

They feel it necessary to pack up their belongings into little teeny vials that are deemed acceptable by the TSA, get groped and endure cavity searches and whatever else it takes to get onto the plane, and then sit in an enclosed space that could potentially be filled with SARS, Bird Flu, Stomach Bug, and now EBOLA.

Jet-setters seem to believe that traveling to their various destinations and their adventures around the world are very important.

Do you know what I think is important?

Not bleeding from my eyeballs.

Stay home people.

#3 -REMAIN CELIBATE

This is where both housewives and working mothers across the nation will rejoice!!

If you are both working outside of the home, did you ever think that you or your husband could be contracting Ebola on business travels?  Did you ever think that if you are out in the world working and interacting with people, touching filthy desks and computers and trains that you could be contracting Ebola yourself?

What if you are a stay-at-home mom?  Are you taking the children out to filthy grocery stores and touching slimy germ-infested grocery carts?  Are you paying for things via credit or debit and touching the virus filled key pad on the credit card swiper thingy??  Or are you paying with cash that was just yesterday in someone else’s wallet or pocket or bra??

These scenarios are endless and because the best way to contract Ebola is through bodily fluids, I think it is an obvious choice when I say – It’s best to not have sex with your husband until this whole thing dies down.

I know a few of you  one person  zero women  many of you will be devastated by this!!!

But I have learned over time that women in America are very resourceful when it comes to this matter.  We saw that first hand with the widespread enjoyment of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY and the sexual fulfillment that you all were able to supply to yourself, minus your husband.

Bullet users rejoice!

#4 – STICK WITH THE WALKING DEAD AND TRUE BLOOD:

Speaking of weird fantasies – I never understood everyone’s fascination with zombies and vampires.

Apparently if you are going to have a crush on someone – this is finally when your bizarre obsession with a zombie will finally seem appropriate – because since they are already dead – I am fairly certain they cannot get or spread Ebola!!

Also this vampire obsession that women have between True Blood and the Twilight series finally makes sense!!

Once you determine his eyeballs are not bleeding from the Ebola virus and that he actually cannot be killed - he does seem pretty sexy!!

Once you determine his eyeballs are not bleeding from the Ebola virus and that he actually cannot be killed – he does seem pretty sexy!!

 

#5 – KEEP HALLOWEEN TRADITIONS TO A MINIMUM:

All the sticking hands into dirty bowls of candy and trying on each other’s sweaty masks and hats that are filled with steamy breathe and snots…..It’s enough to just hide inside in a HAZMAT suit.

The children have to be able to enjoy the Halloween traditions somewhat but definitely skip “bobbing for apples” and the “donut on a string” game we played at Michael’s party was a recipe for disaster now that I look back on it.

Regular trick-or-treating can be fine – as long as you go through the candy.  Be sure to throw out anything that looks as though it could have been homemade or that someone packaged themselves!!

If you get any of these "Ebola Balls" or loose candy corns .....throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

If you get any of these “Ebola Balls” or loose candy corns …..throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

 

#6 – STAY AWAY FROM PITS:

I thought of this today as I brought my children to the pumpkin patch and let them enjoy the “corn pit.” 

Ordinarily we enjoy the corn pit - but today all I could think of was the potential for us all to die.

Ordinarily we enjoy the corn pit – but today all I could think of was the potential for us all to die.

It’s obvious to me and most individuals that enjoy their health and wellness that one should stay away from pits of doom and despair that you would find at McDonald’s and Chuck E. Cheese.  The same goes for slimy bounce houses that besides potentially blowing away at any minute – are also filled with Ebola and Ebola-like viruses.

However, many mothers willingly bring their children to these filthy disgusting establishments.  When you go to Chuck E. Cheese or bouncy house facilities just know that they are filled to the brim with sweating, screaming rotten children that are bleeding from their eyeballs  that could potentially have a serious illness!!

Please remember that Ebola can fester in your body for up to 21 days before symptoms appear.

Think of that the next time you toss your kids into something like this:

ballpit

 

#7 – DO NOT SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION:

It’s not worth it.  These hospitals are just filled with diseases and Ebola-filled healthcare workers.

Whatever illness you think you have – (as long as you are sure it’s not Ebola of course) stay away from the hospital.

This is a place that used to be where you could safely go to be cured of ailments – now it has become a place filled with germ spreading.  You could go in with a papercut and come out with a fatal illness.

Take Airborne everyday and if you start to develop any respiratory issues just start chugging Robitussin.

Stomach issues? Take Pepto Bismal and Tums.

Most allergic reactions can be cured with Benadryl.

Migraine? Take some Advil and go to bed.

You broke your leg?  Eat boron tablets.

There’s a natural remedy for everything.

Your giving birth??  Grab your yoga mat and bring it to the nearest stream and squat.

Even though I have made fun of home births in the past – I think now I have to eat my words.

I think it is actually probably safer at this point to give birth on a rock somewhere.

 

Now this woman is clearly insane - but she might not be as dumb as she looks.  She surely won't catch ebola in a swamp filled with rocks.

Now this woman is clearly insane – but she might not be as dumb as she looks.                                                       She surely won’t catch Ebola in a swamp filled with rocks.

 

I hope this helps.

Maybe if we all think twice before we do germ-spreading activities we will be safe and healthy.

FOR GOD SAKES CAN’T WE ALL JUST STAY INSIDE AND DRINK UNTIL THIS THING BLOWS OVER???  PLEASE SHARE THIS POST ON FACEBOOK/TWITTER THIS WEEK TO SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT SAFETY DURING THE EBOLA CRISIS!!!  THANK YOU!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

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